Son's partner has BPD

[Lasmo]

Hi,
My son's partner has BPD. It has been a nightmare since the beginning. They have been together for 4 years. Got engaged and had a child very quickly! My son is a kind, compassionate, loving and highly intelligent young man. He definitely has his faults, like we all do but generally has been a good man! From the moment they got together she pressured him to be everything she demanded. He had to be with her 24/7. She was open about her diagnosis with him. He clearly thought he could save her. I remember when he first told me about her. They had been on one date and she was pressuring him to make their relationship 'official'. He rang to seek my advice. I now wish I had told him to run for the hills, except he does have a beautiful little girl who is the apple of everyone's eye. She is a delight. From that conversation I suspected she likely have BPD. Her pressure was full on! I told him to be clear in his boundaries and not do anything he didn't want to do. He did the opposite and she moved in within a week and never left.

His partner has tried hard to create a rift between me and my son. I think she almost achieved this in the early days. Fortunately we are still connected. In some respects we are now closer than ever. He is seeking my advice and has recently put some boundaries down. They are living separately. He has care of my 3.5 year old grandchild.

My son's mental health has declined significantly since he has been with her. He has a tendency towards depression but it escalated to the point of suicidal ideation. She, of course made it all about her. It was a terrible time.

I have tried hard to be empathic and understand she has a mental illness and, this, to some extent limits her culpability. At the end of the day though he is my son and I can see her dragging him down - she has already dragged him down. She does nothing around the house, expects him to provide for everything. She lives in the most chaotic way, generating mess and filth. I am not exaggerating! She says she doesn't know how to clean. I've offered to help but she says no. I've offered to assist with so many things but she says no and then uses her so called lack of skill as an excuse for the house being really filthy and not suitable for my grandchild who has been injured more than once as a result of the unhygienic and unsafe household. I have cleaned it too many times! I am aware my son is also responsible for this but is out working long hours six days a week. When he is home he prioritizes his time with his daughter. I've offered to go an help with the cleaning once a week to make sure it is maintained to at least some standard. But she says no. I think she enjoys living in filth, or doesn't notice it.

This woman lies, manipulates and expects our whole world to revolve around her. There are a multitude of stories I could tell of what she has done and how she has treated my son, granddaughter and me. I am worried if I put too much detail in she might read it. This is the depth of her manipulation. It's probably irrational for me to be worried but she is so conniving. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and looking over my shoulder. It's exhausting.

I am a mental health professional so have a good understanding of BPD and other MH issues. This woman is next level. She is all talk about what she is going to do to make things better - this always comes after a huge crisis/drama she creates and drags everyone into. it forms part of her manipulative strategy. My son buys it every time. She uses her diagnosis as an excuse for all her abusive, manipulative behaviours. My son does this too. He says he believes she has less responsibility for her actions and it's not her fault because of the BPD. He is way smarter than that! His thinking regarding her is irrational. There was a time he started to present with similar characteristics to her. It was very bizarre but that seems to have largely stopped now. Mostly the self victimizing language. Meanwhile, I'm trying to be Switzerland while maintaining good boundaries.

I have maintained very clear boundaries with her - my son understands and respects my need to do this. I have offered to support her but if I don't engage in the drama and catastrophize everything she gets angry and tells me I'm controlling and don't understand. She spends money like she's royalty - they are very low income earners - well she isn't an income earner, my son is. For a period of time I was handing out thousands of dollars to bail my son out. In the end I had to stop. She used to ask me for money all the time. This began within weeks of the relationship starting. She has asked other members of my family for money as well. It's completely unacceptable.

I do understand she has an awful childhood. I have empathy for her as a child but she is now the parent of two children - her eldest child does not live with her. This child is a very messed up kid with wild behaviours and probably is developing BPD herself. I am so worried for my son and grandchild.

My son and his partner are currently living separately. This is somewhat of a relief. But, she's still in his life and spends time at the home. They plan to live together in the future again, once she's "better". I do not believe she will get better. I am honestly at the point, I don't know which of her behaviours are related to BPD and which are just because she is a terrible person. I don't even know if it matters. I feel she has no redeeming qualities. If everything is not about her she will not engage. She turns the conversation around and makes it about her. Even when I had a family tragedy she wouldn't stop talking about her own hardships and how hard her life is. She created a drama which made my son miss a funeral for a much loved person. She was took herself to hospital when she didn't need to be. She is profoundly selfish and not very smart. The latter is a blessing because you can see her manipulation and lies a mile off! I actually think she probably has a mild intellectual disability.

She is not attentive to my granddaughter. My son has had to leave work so he can care for his daughter. He has care of her while they live separately. He has a little spark back since she's gone but is sad which I understand because he is grieving. I want to shake him and tell him to end the relationship and get this toxic woman out of his life. I know I can't, he's an adult, obviously it's his decision. I also know if I say this it will damage my relationship with him. So to a large extent I keep my opinions to myself unless I'm asked. He is making silly choices and I don't know how to best support him, other than what I'm doing. I'm also aware of the impact of the potential impact on my granddaughter of being parented by someone with BPD.

Does anyone have any good news stories? What are the chances of this woman bettering herself and being a better mother? Regardless of my son's decision about the relationship she will always be my granddaughters mother. I want her to have a positive influence and impact on her. I feel very powerless. Is anyone aware of any information about the particular characteristics of people who recover from BPD and how to nurture and encourage these qualities. In my experience it usually takes a good amount of intelligence with a lot of support. Sadly, her family is pretty messed up but she does have one or two people in her life who are, in my opinion, superhuman as they know all her faults and support her anyway. I don't feel like the outcomes are likely to be good and am scared for my son and granddaughters future health, happiness and wellbeing. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and thanks for writing us.  Are you able to visit with your grandchild?   It is heartbreaking to see anyone caught up in BPD drama.   Does she realize and accept her behavior and needing help for it? I think you are supporting your son as best as you are able. 

You also need to support you though.  Coming here is a good first step.  However, it is so easy for us ( I am including myself) to go down the rabbit hole of worry and grief over what our loved ones are going through .  Unfortunately,  We can't hang our hope on when or if the BPD person will get better.  Even if the BPD person is on board with getting help, it takes time to learn new coping skills and put them into practice.  Patience is the key along with self care on your part.  I would suggest maybe reading some of the suggested books in the library on this site as well to learn more about BPD . Everyone's story is so vastly different with BPD.  I am sure others will chime in, but what has helped me with my son is me putting focus on myself, including joining free 12 step programs for families such as Codependent's anonymous.  These help with me with detaching with love and keeping focus on me.  I am sure others will chime in.  Thanks for writing and know you are not alone here.

[Sancho]

I agree with Swimmy. I can hear the urgency in your writing: you want your son to move on, away from this awful person.

I think you express really well the dilemma that people have when dealing with someone with BPD: on the one hand there is sympathy for the serious mental health issue, but there is also that part that says they are a terrible person.

All the points you make I think are part of BPD. For some people with BPD, they are able to manage usual life things, while for others they are not able to cope with much at all.

I have been raising my BPD dd's child now for 11 years while dd comes and goes. She can't manage a house (co-existing OCD and other anxieties make it hard for her to touch things); she can't manage money - if she has some $ left two days after she gets money she thinks she is doing a good job.

As you can imagine it has been a long journey.

But things turned around once I started to let go. I came across something written by a group of relatives and friends of the mentally ill called 'Letting Go'. 

It was a series of statements such 'Letting go means I can't do it for another' etc.

I read them over and over again.

You are there for your son and grandchild. They are apart for the moment and perhaps this will give your son time to step back a bit.

I hope you are able to find ways to lessen the stress on you, while you are going on this journey. This is a place where people understand the chaos of being close to BPD, so glad you found us.

[Lasmo]

Thank you for your comments. I will look into getting some books. It is lovely to get some support from others who know and understand. I will look into getting some books and maybe something for my son. He, understandably focusses on material that shows his ex is likely to get better. He has blinkers on where she is concerned and I just don't understand. Their values are so different. i usually wind up feeling like we've taken a step forward and then she does something slightly good and he's back there like a cheer squad for her and believes it is a sign things will be okay. It never lasts and I've heard him say the same things over and over again about bottom lines and this is the last time etc. It's hard to accept she is in our lives for good. It is what it is and I suppose we just have to keep going. Thanks again.