I just got back from breakfast with my lady friend… And I’m a bit perplexed.

[Mr. Kelly]

Crap… I completely goofed. The fireworks I was talking about are a week from tomorrow, not tomorrow. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Now, I have to reach out and figure out a different plan. One that will probably not have nearly the same kind of outcome, or the same kind of fun.  Likely more anxiety, and more possibility of talking about drama.

Probably another walk. Boring. Maybe I’ll have to try to think of something else for tomorrow night.

No… No fireworks this week, I blew it and misunderstood the date.

So, we are going back and forth now, and are considering getting her grandkids and my daughter together and may be going out for pizza later.

I suggested a visit to a nice local park, but that may not fly.

She seems to be on board… So I think I am feeling relatively confident that I’m going to just go try to have fun. The restaurant idea isn’t my favorite, but I don’t really have anything else in my back pocket to offer.

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[Mr. Kelly]

I will think out loud here a bit…

I just got off the phone with her to try to shore up plans for later… And I tried to be fun and upbeat, which I usually am anyway…

I ended up telling her that I went into town to see fireworks with my kid last night and I felt somewhat awkward, wondering if she would pick up on the fact that we didn’t invite her… The logistics just weren’t there, and she had originally said she was going to be busy with her kids that day… So by the time I texted with her last night, she had already said she was in for The night… And we were already halfway to where we were going, so it wouldn’t have worked out.

I’m already wondering if she is starting to internalize the fact that we didn’t invite her, even though she had told me by text later that she was at home not doing anything…

The whole conversation went OK, but she seemed a little down, but we both seemed on board about getting together later, probably for pizza with her grandkids, which isn’t the best of things to do, but that may be all we can get around to.

So, should I even bring last nights fireworks opportunity up in conversation, and maybe say… “Hey, we would’ve loved to have you there last night, but by the time I knew you were home and not doing anything we were already pretty much en route.“

Or, should I not even bring it up again and just take the evening as it is and just try to have fun without bringing up any explanations or validation of what we did last night?

[Mr. Kelly]

There is also the notion of how to manage this relationship moving forward.

It’s almost hard to imagine that this lady isn’t seeing that there’s a pattern to these cycles. It’s pretty much every month and a half that she crashes like this. Of course, she explains it to me as if it is something that I am doing that causes her to fall into these cycles. Do you really think she believes that?

At any point, is it going to be useful or prudent for me to point out that there may be something else going on that could be triggering these cycles… And maybe start talking about the potential for therapy…, or the possibility of the existence of BPD or even bipolar?

I suspect that this is a no go… But how do I proceed moving forward?

[once removed]

Or, should I not even bring it up again

dont dwell.

There is also the notion of how to manage this relationship moving forward.

slowly. differently. as it concerns her, lots of deposits in the "fun account".

Do you really think she believes that?

of course. just like you believe its her.

At any point, is it going to be useful or prudent for me to point out that there may be something else going on that could be triggering these cycles… And maybe start talking about the potential for therapy…, or the possibility of the existence of BPD or even bipolar?

i cannot imagine how any of this would be useful or prudent.

But how do I proceed moving forward?

you determine what is broken about this relationship (the answer is not "her"), whether its fixable, and what its going to take to fix it if it is.

[Mr. Kelly]

i cannot imagine how any of this would be useful or prudent.

you determine what is broken about this relationship (the answer is not "her"), whether its fixable, and what its going to take to fix it if it is.

Thank you for the useful input…

I hear what you are saying… But I suspect that without her coming to some sort of epiphany, the same cycles are just going to continue. I’m not sure that there is anything I can do or not do to prevent that from happening.

I do see that I can be better at navigating them when they are happening.  I think I have been definitely getting better at those things, and I hope that is evidenced by the fact that I didn’t get a nasty break up text this time around, although there wasn’t really anything I truly did that deserved one (not that I ever think there was in the past, either…).

I guess I get it. It pretty much has to be up to me how to handle things.  It feels like such an uphill battle. And one that’s going to have negative consequences about every six or eight weeks. As you said previously, I have to understand that this cycle will continue, and learn to understand that this is just who she is. That’s just so hard for my soul, given how much I care for this girl. Or, how much I am trauma bonded or codependent, depending on how you want to look at it.

[once removed]

i know that this is vague, but youre laying a new foundation for the relationship.

there have been lots of makeup/breakup cycles, and they successively damage a relationship each time. you will want to consider how to approach nipping that in the bud.

it might be a good idea to open a new thread discussing in detail all of the past breakups.

[once removed]

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