Talking of divorce and it’s breaking my heart

[Cr500rider]

I met my current wife 5 years ago.  I truly love the lady but it’s been a living hell the whole time.  I’ve lost count how many times we split or she moved out.  I’ve moved enough furniture to start a moving company.  We’ve had some nasty fights verbally.  I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck and have lost 10 years of my life.  She’s killing me and I can’t let go and absolutely no idea why!  I’m exhausted, hurt, confused, and just plain don’t understand what just happened!

[kells76]

Hey, welcome Cr500 rider -- glad you found us. This is a group that gets it -- that you can say in the same sentence that you love someone and it's been a living he11.

5 years is a chunk of time. Do you guys have any kids?

Keep posting whenever works for you;

kells76

[Cr500rider]

We have no kids together thankfully!  The crazy thing is that she used to walk out on me on a regular basis and I’d walk on fire to get her back and literally beg her back.  Now, I’m doing everything I CAN  to walk out and move on and now she’s bending over backwards to get ME back..! I told her 2 days ago in our last argument that I’m completely numb and have no energy for it anymore…

[formflier]

I want to join kells76 in welcoming you and also assuring you that we can help.

I'm curious if this is the first "argument" where she is trying to get you back, instead of the other way around.  That sounds like a big shift. 

What do you think caused the shift?

Best,

FF

[Cr500rider]

She’s been doing this in the last several arguments.  We’ve been house hunting and she’s been blazing to get one to, so call, give her stability.  She always thinks there’s a magic pill.  It often feels she’s just using me to get a house.

[formflier]

  She always thinks there’s a magic pill.  

This is a VERY VERY astute observation. 

How many "magic pills" has she taken?  How many of those "worked"?

I'm curious to hear a "magic pill" story or two..whenever you have time.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

We’ve been house hunting and she’s been blazing to get one to, so call, give her stability.  She always thinks there’s a magic pill.  It often feels she’s just using me to get a house.

Danger, Will Robinson!*  Listen to your gut!  Do you really want to be co-owners with someone you worry you'll end up divorcing?  Frankly, keep your commingled assets and debts as minimal as possible.  Separate finances, asset and debts is being proactive and future-proofed.

However, if you really want to Gift her a house, pick a nice expensive one, make sure she gets listed on the deed with or without you, and then experience what happens to you in a divorce.  For even more Gifting, you sign the mortgage, though be aware that even though a court may order her to refinance to get you off the mortgage contract, family courts are known to make orders without providing enforcement.  (so, um, please say No!)

Do not buy her anything major.  (Unless you are independently wealthy...)  If it must be a house, then RENT one.  A rental always has a termination date.  That's your "escape" clause.

* Reference to Lost in Space when the robot would warn every episode that Mr. Smith was getting them into trouble again and again.

[Lifehasitsups]

Buying a new house doesn’t fix anything. I just heard my uBPDw promise to do anything if we bought this new house and it’s just more of the same…or worse. I hope you are able to move on before kids.

[alleyesonme]

Welcome, but sorry that you're here under these circumstances. There are so many smart, caring and helpful people who really get it on this site. Unless someone has experienced life with a BP, there's no way they can truly understand what it's like.

Since you don't have kids, one piece of advice I'd toss in the ring (feel free to disregard it) is to give her an ultimatum. If you're truly at your wits end and are ready to be done, you don't have any kids, and you still love her, this may be a perfect opportunity to tell her that she needs to begin Dialectical Behavioral Therapy immediately and commit to it for a certain period of time (1-2 years), or else it's over. Just make sure that you're at peace with leaving immediately if she refuses.

As many of us have experienced, it's extremely unlikely that she'll ever change on her own. She may very well turn down your ultimatum and force you to "put up or shut up," but if that happens, then I think you've got your answer as to what you should do. If she realizes how special you are, wants to avoid losing you and agrees to give therapy a genuine effort, then I don't think it hurts anything to take a wait and see approach. In the meantime, just make sure you don't conceive any kids with her.

[GaGrl]

You are describing your life with your wife as 5 years of living he!.

My husband was married (legally) to his ex for 30 years -- from 18 months to 20 years, he would have described it as living he! -- the last ten years he waited for her to divorce him, which she did not.

What is your internal timeline here?