How did your BPD ex react after being served with divorce papers?

[shopgirl26]

Hi everyone,

I'm waiting on the court to serve my BPD ex with divorce papers. The court is backed up due to covid 19, but it should be happening this month.

She will be served at her work since I did not have a residential address. Her work is very important to her, and unfortunately being served will be embarrassing to her, but I didn't have another choice. I'd offered her a generous settlement, which she refused just to be vengeful, and she's only harassed and annoyed my lawyers since (she's self represented because...of course she is.)

In a nutshell, messy breakup. She was violent to me in the end. Police told her not to contact me. She did in May despite the warning. She broke in and stole my emotional support dog and is refusing to return him to me despite a generous (and unnecessary) cash offer.

How did your BPD ex respond to being served with papers?

I'm trying to brace myself. Some people say the BPD will flip out, launch into rage and harass their ex. Some people say to expect no reaction at all, she will just drag her feet and not respond within the deadline.

I'd love to hear your experience with this so I can best prepare.

[kells76]

Am I remembering correctly that you guys live in different cities?

Is her work in your city?

[ForeverDad]

We had been separated for about 4 months.  She had a temp order gifting her temp custody and temp majority time, meanwhile she was facing a Threat of DV case.  We both had temp protections cases against each other.  When the protection cases were dismissed and she was soon to be pronounced Not Guilty (no weapons in her hands) I decided to file for divorce.  She filed in juvenile court for child support and the notices crossed in the mail.

Her response?  I didn't see my son for 3 months.  Police wouldn't help me, they said I had to show them a court order.  However they confirmed that if I did try to see him and she called emergency services, they'd come rushing to her aid.  Since I didn't want to get carted off to jail, I stayed away and waiting 3 months for the initial divorce temp order hearing.

Her sense of entitlement was not deflated until years later.  Though you don't share children, but instead a support dog, likely there will be no reasoning with her.  Do you know she still has your dog?

[shopgirl26]

Am I remembering correctly that you guys live in different cities?

Is her work in your city?

Hi kells,

No, her work is in another city.

I'm not worried she will do something physical to me because she can't find me. I'm expecting written vitriol via email, etc. Hoping the bad behaviour amounts to something I can show the judge to establish a pattern of intimidation.

[kells76]

I'm expecting written vitriol via email, etc

How do you do (emotionally, physically, etc) with getting those emails?

...

Do you know she still has your dog?

good question...

[shopgirl26]

I've rerouted her emails into a specific folder. I won't be able to see the content, but I'll get notified that there's a new email. I will have a friend forward any emails to my lawyer so I don't have to read them.

I know for a fact she still has the dog. Being an animal person is her identity. I am not worried she will harm the dog. She has been posing with him on social media. No social media activity for months, then she steals him, and now she's posing with him. I only know this because friends told me. I've blocked her. But it just shows the entitlement and lack of empathy.

Anyway, because she can't emotionally regulate, she will be served at work and probably flip. Serving her at work will be viewed as an act of aggression/hostility and fit into this narrative she's spun about me being an abuser. I know her reaction is her responsibility. I'm working through my own codependence to release the guilt I feel about having her served.

[I Am Redeemed]

Her being served at work is a consequence of her own actions.

Sometimes we feel guilty initiating things that result in the BPD experiencing consequences because we want to be good people and not hurt anyone. We also may have believed certain viewpoints imposed on by us by others that taking certain kinds of actions (calling authorities, using means of the legal system, etc.) were vindictive and not indicative of a mature and stable personality.

When drastic behaviors leave us no good option other than hard boundaries, it's a decision that is necessary...not born out of vindictive nature or pettiness.

She took your dog by force, violated your personal safe space, and refuses to give the dog back even though you are the rightful owner and have an emotional need that the dog fulfills.

If she has to be served publicly because she cannot behave reasonably, it is not because you have not tried or considered less distressing measures.

Good move having someone filter contact. You don't need the pressure of viewing her communication right now. It will harm more than help while you are going through this.

Put as many strong boundaries 8place as you can so if she does "flip" when she is served, you don't have to be emotionally affected.

[shopgirl26]

She is being served today!

I just got an email from my lawyer asking for a photo so  the bailiff will know what she looks like.

We will see what happens. But this is real now. She’s spent four months smugly believing that she could perpetrate this violence and get away with it. And now there will be consequences to that kind of intimidating behaviour.

[ForeverDad]

Prepare yourself for the mother of all extinctions bursts.  She may rage, she may try to lure you back, she may decide to file allegations, she may go silent, anything is possible.

You probably didn't think you had the will power to start and follow through.  Well, the first step is the hardest but once you're on the right path, each step forward will result in you being more and more confident going forward.