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[ckee1999]

My son hasn't yet been formally diagnosed, as he's only been seeing his therapist for about a month, but his therapist believes there are strong indicators that he has Borderline Personality Disorder.  After reading up on it, I'm inclined to agree. He is 19 and transgender, and right now it's the topic of being transgender that causes the most conflict in our lives.  Not because his Dad and I don't want him to be, but because we feel like he's rushing the transition.  He gets obsessed about taking a step and then as soon as he's taken it, he's obsessed about the next step - never happy where he is.  If we disagree with him in any way it leads to rages with constant cries of "I need to die" and "I want to kill myself."

I could (and probably will) go on and on - things came to a head this past weekend when I told him I wouldn't make an appointment for him and he drank a huge amount of alcohol and nearly passed out.  We found him and thought it was a suicide attempt.  He was also ranting about how evil his Dad and I are and how we should die.  We called the ambulance and they took him for a Mental Health evaluation and to sober up (we realized it was alcohol only after the ambulance was called).  We later found two knives under his bed and a reminder in his calendar to "kill yourself" and another set at the time of the event that said "finish the fight".  Yet despite this the hospital discharged him within 14 hours saying he wasn't a threat to himself or others and put the blame fully on us saying we weren't supportive of him being transgender - because that's what he told her.

We have him on close watch right now - and I don't see how we can trust to send him back to college in another state in a month's time.  I just don't know what to do.  He has an appointment with his therapist tomorrow but we definitely need something else.  I just don't know if I can convince him to do a program since he's 19 and doesn't think he has any issues  because his therapist hasn't 'diagnosed' him yet. 

My daughter (age 15) is terrified and doesn't feel safe.  My husband and I nearly divorced last winter because I was letting our son manipulate me, and we are constantly on eggshells.  I have no faith in our mental health system after the way we were treated and I don't know what to do.  I'm really hoping to find a place for compassion and advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi ckee1999, welcome. Your post stood out to me, and I wanted to make sure you knew you were in the right place.

This is a group that has compassion for your struggles and won't judge you for doing the best you can, no matter whether it looks like "what everyone knows you should do" or not. You know your child, your family, and yourself the best, and you do the best you can with the information you have.

Often, people with personality disorders (pwPD's) believe that something outside themselves will bring them the feelings inside themselves that they want. They have an external locus of control and don't perceive themselves as in control of their lives, choices, and the things that happen to them. For some pwPDs, that can look like "if we just lived in a bigger house" they'd "finally be happy", or if they just had a different romantic partner who was more giving, or... if they had a different body, or body part, or appearance on the outside, they'd finally be "their real self" on the inside.

PD's impact one's very sense of being a self that can make decisions and choices. pwPD's may often have a mindset of "things just happen to me", versus "I can make choices that can put me on a better trajectory".

All that being said doesn't change the agony your family is going through, trying to support someone who is desperately looking for peace coming from external sources. Plus, there's the added level of "ansognosia" (which I'm using in a layman's fashion here, not technical or diagnostic). This really summed it up for me:

rages with constant cries of "I need to die" and "I want to kill myself."

he's 19 and doesn't think he has any issues

That your child can both say "I need to die" and have weapons and a date on the calendar, and (probably almost in the same breath) say "There's nothing wrong with me" speaks to a profound lack of insight that is so challenging to deal with. As I'm sure you're aware, trying to convince someone like that that Yes, there IS something going on... well, it probably doesn't go smoothly.

I also want to comment that I understand how transgender issues can be pretty hot-button. My personal perspective is that there's no "one right way" to deal with a child who identifies as trans, and there can be a lot of "parent shaming" if you're not "doing it" in the mainstream way. As an individual I welcome you to be real, be you, have your own values, and love your child in your own way, even if it "looks wrong" or "people don't agree". Because it has to do with identity, and pwPD's lack a developed sense of individual self, I do have my suspicions that exploring identity in that profound way beyond just "well I'm a goth now" can happen with people who don't understand boundaries, have porous boundaries, lack a defined sense of self, etc. Just my 2cents as an individual.

OK, again, all that being said, you are really in the right place. There are members here who have learned and implemented some new tools and skills for managing these most-challenging relationships. The skills may not be intuitive, but can change the dynamic between you and your child and bring some more peace and space to your family.

That was a lot about me...

Whenever you're ready, feel free to share more about your situation -- I'm curious if your 19 year old targets your daughter? You're right to notice that she feels scared and unsafe, and to think that that's not acceptable.

I also commend you for working to stay together with your husband. A united parental front, and support between you and your H for each other, will be huge in this process. Do either or both of you have a therapist?

Warmest welcome;

kells76

[ckee1999]

Wow.  Thank you.  You said all the right things.  I spent a lot of time blaming my husband for being too harsh or not being supportive, but in truth he was showing proper caution and I was just trying to reduce conflict, which I realize now is not the right thing for any of us.  It was after we separated and I started therapy that I was made to realize how manipulative my son is and that he's trying to drive my husband and I apart because he sees me as the 'weak link' in getting what he wants.

I do have an amazing therapist - I also have a great relationship with my son's therapist and my son has signed a consent form so his therapist and I can speak freely.

The more I read about BPD, the more I feel like it explains so much.  We've gotten many diagnoses over the years, but this one seems to speak to most of our ongoing issues.  It's terrifying because it's so bleak - "why therapists hate treating people with BPD" and "BPD can be untreatable".  But just in reading through some of the info on this site I feel like I understand a bit better.

Thank you - THANK YOU - for saying what you did about transgender as a hot button.  If our son is truly transgender, that's just fine.  He's already transitioned in every way except surgical - it's the surgical aspect that we are standing firm on and that is causing all the rage in our son.  But I firmly believe that even if he went through with surgery, he still wouldn't be happy.  I want him to find peace inside before he finishes changing the outside.  He thinks I'm transphobic and want my 'girl' back.  In truth, he's not that girl anymore and that's okay.  But he's also not the kid I raised anymore.  This disorder has taken over and he's just miserable all the time.  I want to find out who he is apart from the disorder - whomever that is I will love them.

Our son doesn't really 'target' our daughter.  He actually puts her on a pedestal. He sees her as the 'good kid' and does anything he can to support her.  This weekend I had him speaking with a crisis counselor and he became enraged at my husband and I and was telling the counselor that we were abusive and should be locked up because he was certain we were abusing and traumatizing our daughter as much as he was hurt.  I was shocked, but didn't react - it's so ludicrous.  Our daughter IS amazing - she's good at everything she does, beautiful, talented, but SO IS MY SON.  I'm just glad he's not outwardly jealous or taking things out on her.  He sometimes makes dark jokes which scare her, but it's not really a threat.  She's afraid for us - her parents.  She's growing to hate him because of what he does to us and the fact that he almost drove us to divorce.  I can't say I blame her and we're trying to support her as best we can.  She's not comfortable eating at the table with him, so we eat in shifts (she's often working or has practice in the evenings anyway).  She avoids him as much as possible, which is hard because I want to spend time with her but as we have to watch our son so closely right now she often stays in her room when she's home.

It's nice to get this off my chest, but obviously I've run on.  I'm going to keep looking at info and keep learning and asking questions.  I really want to connect with people because I feel really, really alone.  Thank you for your kind words.