14 yo DD bipolar, ADHD, BPD...XYZ. I'm the target, am I the one to help0?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DD was diagnosed bipolar and adhd 4 years ago. Suicidal ideation with a plan, two weeks of inpatient.  I gathered the team.  The school, psychiatrist, counselors, medications, the whole nine yards.

I divorced her dad 7 years ago, we adopted her at birth.  He is SMI.  There was trauma (violence on his part).

Fast forward.  Medications,  therapy.  Things have been hard but we have managed...

Six months ago it just flipped.  Her Dad has been able to see her more (thankfully I thought).  I have become the target.  I don't have to tell you all, destructive, yelling, horrible name calling...a week ago she walked out and walked down a busy street, I followed her with my hazards on...

Here is my real issue:

Am I even able to help her anymore?  I have been able to provide her with a wonderful team.  IEP, school on board, weekly counselor, great psychiatrist, a pretty open dialog...but I have not reacted well to the latest, I admit it.

I feel like I would not take this abuse from any other person.  I would not allow anyone else to (at this point) threaten to destroy my home, last night she removed all the face plates from the electrical outlets then told me she just wanted to destroy things.  Her counselor believes BPD.

The walking on eggshells is not helping her or me.

Last night her counselor suggested I put cameras in my home.

I am considering residential boarding school- which I probably cannot afford or at least treatment for as long as my insurance will last.

She is 14.  I love her, of course we love them...just not sure not if I can help her anymore.

Sorry for the long post, thank you for listening.

[Mominpines]

My DD was diagnosed bipolar and adhd 4 years ago. Suicidal ideation with a plan, two weeks of inpatient.  I gathered the team.  The school, psychiatrist, counselors, medications, the whole nine yards.

I divorced her dad 7 years ago, we adopted her at birth.  He is SMI.  There was trauma (violence on his part).

Fast forward.  Medications,  therapy.  Things have been hard but we have managed...

Six months ago it just flipped.  Her Dad has been able to see her more (thankfully I thought).  I have become the target.  I don't have to tell you all, destructive, yelling, horrible name calling...a week ago she walked out and walked down a busy street, I followed her with my hazards on...

Here is my real issue:

Am I even able to help her anymore?  I have been able to provide her with a wonderful team.  IEP, school on board, weekly counselor, great psychiatrist, a pretty open dialog...but I have not reacted well to the latest, I admit it.

I feel like I would not take this abuse from any other person.  I would not allow anyone else to (at this point) threaten to destroy my home, last night she removed all the face plates from the electrical outlets then told me she just wanted to destroy things.  Her counselor believes BPD.

The walking on eggshells is not helping her or me.

Last night her counselor suggested I put cameras in my home.

I am considering residential boarding school- which I probably cannot afford or at least treatment for as long as my insurance will last.

She is 14.  I love her, of course we love them...just not sure not if I can help her anymore.

Sorry for the long post, thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Really sorry to hear what you are going through. You have done well to have put in place such a supportive team. I tried to do this but without much success.

I am glad you have come here; at least you know there are so many others who are going through the same thing and know how you feel.

Fourteen is still so very young, it is hard to step back. But in many ways I think you are right  - that have the responsibility, but are often not the ones to help our loved ones. And BPD is a tricky and complex illness.

I am not sure why one person becomes the focus of the BPD's blaming. I would like to understand this much better. But I have come to a place where most of the time I can let the blaming, awful verbal abuse, foul language etc go over the top of my head. But it still takes its toll.

In the early days - dd is 31 now - I used to focus on one thing at a time. So it could be 'this year I will try to make sure she keeps appointments'.

I don't know if you are still able to get your daughter to appointments etc? If so, perhaps focusing on something like that might help.

The residential school is a difficult decision. Many people here have spent lots of money with things like this, and they don't seem to have much success.

The key I think is that the child has to want to be involved and is able to follow up with whatever they are advised to try.

Without knowing details eg whether your daughter attends school etc it is hard to know what options might be helpful. You sound as though you have put so much in place - amazing!

I think the way we help is by being there; by holding onto some boundaries to protect our own health and wellbeing; by realising this is a serious mental health issue and the abuse etc seems to be part of it and by trying to help our BPD child to engage with some form of professional help.

Thinking of you . . .