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Topic: How to respond to verbal abuse from autistic kid? (Read 433 times)
sheepdreaming
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How to respond to verbal abuse from autistic kid?
«
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July 21, 2021, 09:41:20 PM »
Hi I’m new. My trans son was recently diagnosed with autism but has been displaying behaviors of BPD for the last 4 years. We’ve all gone through DBT IOP (twice) and they continue with therapy 2x weekly. DBT has helped them regulate but hasn’t fixed the underlying problem of intense anger toward me and my husband. The dbt coaching we got didn’t really help. They are brilliant and extremely rigid and angry so they don’t try to do anything to help strengthen our relationship. This leads me to the fact that they say they want to hurt us the way they’ve been hurt- that we gaslit, abused and traumatized them for the past 4 years. We do have another son who is neurotypical and with whom we have a great relationship, btw and we consider ourselves a loving, kind family with little strife between me and my husband. The problem is that anytime I say something they don’t think is right, they say I’m gaslighting them again and go on a rant about how much I’ve traumatized them. If I leave to protect myself, that seems to traumatize them more and the go into attack mode. They don’t respect my boundaries and have physically blocked me from going to another room (fear of abandonment). I feel stuck what to do. If I sit and listen to the verbal abuse, I feel that empowers them to hurt me. If I leave it triggers them to get angry and say that’s what I always do. I’m really not sure if staying and listening will help but am willing to do so. They do try to get me to say that I abused them but when I try to tell them whatever I did was not intentional. They are super sensitive so typical discipline like taking things away from kids as a consequence feels traumatizing to them. No one ever suspected they were autistic until I figured it out. Thanks for any input.
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Re: How to respond to verbal abuse from autistic kid?
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Reply #1 on:
July 23, 2021, 07:34:00 AM »
It does sound as though you are dealing with BPD. People here would identify with the dilemma of wondering whether to be there taking the abuse etc or walking away - resulting in outrage.
Many years ago I tried the 'leaving' option whenever BPD dd started raging. I think it triggered the intense abandonment side of BPD. So I gave up that option.
A few years ago I started to respond to the rage with just a few words: 'I can't reply now because doing that makes you more angry' or something like that. I was just trying to let her know that when I was silent, it was because I was giving her space for her emotions to 'come down'.
Reading lots of posts here I see many people apologise to their BPD child for the things that the child says they have done. I have never done this and I am not sure it is helpful unless it is true. BPD people can make you feel so guilty, you are the one responsible for everything and responsible for making it all better.
There is so much about BPD that I don't understand, but it has been helpful for me to read others' posts and step back from my own situation.
The rages continue and I either don't say anything or just repeat that my speaking will not be helpful.
Can I ask if you have access to any counselling yourself? If you could work with someone to make a response plan that you could use in these situations. You are really great in saying you are happy to sit there if it would help, but it is hard in these situations to know just what will be helpful.
I am sorry that I am not really very helpful. But I do understand the awful situation you are in, and the feeling of powerlessness to find a pathway through for yourself, your husband and your child.
The biggest help for me coming here, was just knowing that others completely understood and were experiencing the same thing. This is my place to go to when the going is tough!
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formflier
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Re: How to respond to verbal abuse from autistic kid?
«
Reply #2 on:
August 03, 2021, 07:42:04 PM »
Do you have counselors and professionals involved that understand autism. My understanding is there are great degrees of variation underneath that autism label.
The one thing I would encourage you to challenge and examine was your statement about them being angry at you.
Would it be more helpful to consider them angry...and the parents are just convenient targets?
This seems like a very complex situation, I wish you strength as you wade through these deep waters.
Best,
FF
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