It's hard...

[truthdevotee]

Hi Notwendy, thanks for the deep insights. It really helps.

I left the house twice this morning, and on my return she continued. I was too exhausted to leave again (it's 35 degrees celcius). She wouldn't respect my boundary to stop discussion. In the end, I refused to talk and lay on the bed. I could have stayed out for longer the times I left. First time was about for 15 minutes, second for about 25 minutes. On my mind is always the boys.

[Notwendy]

Just keep in mind, you don't have to say yes or no to anything, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.

"I" statements are better than "you" statements. " I am feeling exhausted and need some time to think about this" is better than getting into circular arguments.

It's also OK to repeat when pushed. "I need to think about this" with each request. If being criticized " I understand you feel this way" validates that yes, you understand that she feels the way she does without validating or refuting it.

[ForeverDad]

There's truth to her words that these are things that I should not have done, but to compare them with the frequency and intensity of the things she does and CONTINUES to do, is not truthful...

In her perspective, her perceptions — and her need to maintain a self-image — may not distinguish between your rare reactions and her frequent outbursts.  She may equate one or two incidents as equivalent to all of hers.  Your one or two events loom large in her blaming — and excusing herself — perspective.  (Likely she demands, as mine did, repeated apologies for incidents of which she never never lets go and brings up over and over.)  That also is part of her skewed mental reasoning and memory.

You have a right to decide how much conflict or negativity to allow in your life.  In addition to that excellent Stages of Change link, I'm reminded of an old post made soon after I found this site.

This has been said many times so I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember on Star Trek the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

[ForeverDad]

You are correct to distinguish between two very different patterns:

• Misleading pattern:  A person claims to be "working on issues" but it turns out to be minimizing them or making a show change mostly only when under scrutiny, after a while the old behaviors return, again and again.  Back to the same old, same old.
• Recovery pattern:  The person seriously tackles the issues, willing to seek the aid of professionals and commit to real changes.  Of course there are sometimes setbacks where the person "falls off the wagon", so to speak, but the person then gets back on track.  Long term improvements are clear to see, after all, real recovery is a process and not an event.

You are also experiencing the FOG — Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Ponder how each aspect has been used to sabotage you over the years and continuing until now.  While each of those three can be positive qualities, they can also be misused and twisted negatively.

[truthdevotee]

In her perspective, her perceptions — and her need to maintain a self-image — may not distinguish between your rare reactions and her frequent outbursts.  She may equate one or two incidents as equivalent to all of hers.  Your one or two events loom large in her blaming — and excusing herself — perspective.  (Likely she demands, as mine did, repeated apologies for incidents of which she never never lets go and brings up over and over.)  That also is part of her skewed mental reasoning and memory.

You have a right to decide how much conflict or negativity to allow in your life.  In addition to that excellent Stages of Change link, I'm reminded of an old post made soon after I found this site.

This is truly insightful.

I realise reading your post that it is real to her. It is real, it occurred in her mind's eye.

It's so hard to keep this in mind on a day to day basis. That the things that are so inherently frustrating are actually normal for her. That she actually believed my family of origin hated her, when all I saw were their efforts to love her. That the incidents I mentioned above are the equivalent of all of hers, etc.

Most of time I just figure she's outright lying. But that's not the case, maybe not always, at least.

[truthdevotee]

You are correct to distinguish between two very different patterns:

• Misleading pattern:  A person claims to be "working on issues" but it turns out to be minimizing them or making a show change mostly only when under scrutiny, after a while the old behaviors return, again and again.  Back to the same old, same old.
• Recovery pattern:  The person seriously tackles the issues, willing to seek the aid of professionals and commit to real changes.  Of course there are sometimes setbacks where the person "falls off the wagon", so to speak, but the person then gets back on track.  Long term improvements are clear to see, after all, real recovery is a process and not an event.

You are also experiencing the FOG — Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Ponder how each aspect has been used to sabotage you over the years and continuing until now.  While each of those three can be positive qualities, they can also be misused and twisted negatively.

Thank you for this insightful post. It makes me see things more clearly.

Regarding the recovery pattern, she has made changes based on the fear that I would leave if she continued certain behaviour. However, she doesn't believe she has a problem. She thinks she is fine! Therefore, she appears to have little intrinsic drive to "recover."

For me, forcing change by making it known I'm close to leaving isn't something I can do anymore. It's never a mutually empathetic relationship that way. It's stressful and decreases the zest for life.

[yeeter]

For me, forcing change by making it known I'm close to leaving isn't something I can do anymore. It's never a mutually empathetic relationship that way. It's stressful and decreases the zest for life.

Such dynamic really doesnt work for either side.  It is a form of emotional blackmail - an ongoing threat of emotional hurt (leaving) if she doesnt do what you want her to.  The same thing might happen to you in reverse. 

Although it can be useful to trigger change (I can not remain the relationship unless true ownership of taking on recovery) - as you say if she doesnt believe she has any problems to work on, it is simply a short term lip service to pacify you.  And you burn a bunch more of your life holding out hope and waiting for change that never comes.

[truthdevotee]

Such dynamic really doesnt work for either side.  It is a form of emotional blackmail - an ongoing threat of emotional hurt (leaving) if she doesnt do what you want her to.  The same thing might happen to you in reverse. 

Although it can be useful to trigger change (I can not remain the relationship unless true ownership of taking on recovery) - as you say if she doesnt believe she has any problems to work on, it is simply a short term lip service to pacify you.  And you burn a bunch more of your life holding out hope and waiting for change that never comes.

Thanks, yeeter. That gives me deeper insight. Tremendously helpful.
Yeah, I see the emotional blackmail I'm engaging in through this approach. Not what I want. My intention has been the possibility of me moving out, but since she sees it as a real possibility, she suddenly shows more humility and openness. Over time, that fades away. I'm now ready to actually take the step to change my life and increase my well being. I believe that will be best for the boys too.

[truthdevotee]

I suppose the learning for me here is -

Never hope for change. Create it.

[Notwendy]

Maybe it would help to look at this through extrinsic and intrinsic motivation.

All of us are motivated by both. Few of us would continue working at our jobs if we did not get a paycheck. We do a good job so we can keep the paycheck but in addition, we are intrinsically motivated to do a good job through our sense of self- to be in alliance with who we think we are. ie- I do a good job because I am a competent and reliable person.

Take away that sense of self that is uncertain for a pwBPD and one can see a lot of extrinsically motivated behavior. It is possible to be extrinsically motivated by fear, or immediate reward. When extremely motivated a person can be on their best behavior. Once the external motivation is diminished, there's no reason for the behavior. Rather than judge someone for this, realize we are all motivated by external motivations to some extent.

We can see this transition from extrinsic to intrinsic motivation in children. Where once I could get the kids to clean their rooms with the motivation of earning a toy, they now clean them due to their own wish for order. Personal change takes continuous work. I think that requires intrinsic motivation and it takes time. It's not the instant " I am good now" due to fear or wanting something.

Sadly, the tendency towards projection and denial makes it hard for someone with BPD to realize the impact of their behavior on others. How capable a person is to have insight and make personal change might vary. I think you have to make your own assessment of that through observation of the person- are the changes long term or situational?

The lying and manipulation may be intentional ( in terms of deliberately wanting to be hurtful) or a result of them wanting what they want in the moment. I think it's hard to know. Rather than try to figure out what someone else is thinking, or manipulate their behavior through fear or reward, focus on your behavior.

If you are ending the relationship, I hope you have consulted a lawyer about custody issues and any financial obligations to her. I am not a lawyer, but there could be issues about abandonment if you left, custody disputes.

[truthdevotee]

Hi Notwendy, thanks a lot for looking at this through that lens. It's super helpful.

How intrinsically motivated is my EXPWBPD? I would say, a little. There's a spark of motivation, but it's rather passive rather than active and committed. It's more like, "I learn through life experience" rather than actively taking moral inventory. I think that's why it feels so one-sided between us - I feel I'm not meeting anybody "there." There's a lack of self-ownership and presence. Hence, I feel like I'm with a person who's primarily running conditioned responses. I do notice her efforts at self-improvement, but they're not enough for me to feel satisfied in a mutually committed relationship.

So, how much can I handle it, for how much longer? Do I want to be with her? The answer is more and more "no." I don't feel to have any physical contact now.

I've seen a lawyer over the years. One thing to mention is that I am not formally married to her. I proposed to her many years ago on a vacation, mainly to inspire her to feel that I love her, rather than coming from a sincere desire in my heart. However, we never did marry, although we had our two boys.

I've learned that everything if possible, should be done away from lawyers and courts and as much as possible the organization of co-parenting should be done between us. Only time will tell if that's possible, and if I would need to get a lawyer involved to create a formal agreement on co-parenting rules. I've heard that in the country I'm in, matters would only go to court in case either of us were to fight for full custody. By default, we'd have joint custody. And, over the last few days, I've gotten recorded evidence that she'd like me to take the children and be the primary caretaker, which I will surely do.

However, although I'm pretty sure - 95% sure - I'll get my own rented home close by, I'm not sure exactly how to work it out with the children. It might be that the rented house is my work from home space, as well as a place to sleep and get downtime for myself, as well as nanny support. My boys could become accustomed to me having that space, but for the time being, continue to sleep at their current home. My EXPWBPD still sleep in one room each with each of the boys, so that would take some time to step away from i.e. get them in the habit of being the two of them in the same room. My EXPWBPD knows not to touch me anymore and that I prefer not to have a physical or emotional relationship. It's just gone too far... I think her calling me "evil" the other day was the last straw, as I had already been contemplating leaving. I just don't want to be emotionally open with her now as it is so unsafe.

[truthdevotee]

Deep down, very deep down, I have lied to myself and her all these years.

This wasn't a conscious lie. It was simply a lack of understanding and ignorance about how life works.

You see, I felt the alarm bells only 4 months or so into our relationship. But I couldn't listen to my intuition and trust myself. I relied on outer guidance rather than the feelings in my own heart. It has taken me up until today, that's around 8 or 9 years, to realize that feelings matter, and that just because outer guides say XYZ or that I have a belief system running in my head e.g. "I can CHOOSE to love her and that is enough," the feelings of the heart eventually catch up.

That's what is happening now. Nearly ten years later, I'm listening to my heart, trusting it, going where it takes me. Sad, but true. I just didn't have the grown up in my life to teach me the value of listening inwardly. The youngest child of 3 with a dominant father, noone ever told me to listen to my heart, to guard my heart, and to follow my heart.

[truthdevotee]

I described tonight why I plan to leave.

She's not happy, and her responses range from apathy and defeat "so just go if you go" and anger and gaslighting. She wants me to stick around.

I am hesitant to discuss why I'm leaving with her again. I've been really clear tonight, kind but ruthlessly honest about my wants, needs, likes and dislikes. It's not been easy for her to hear.

The reason why I'm hesitant is because although she is asking for tranparency, getting into "discussion" with her pulls me into the FOG. Listening to the feelings in my heart isn't something that comes naturally, so I'm easily manipulated.

She's fighting to get me to stay. The problem is, in expressing my likes and dislikes, needs and wants, I naturally am setting a sort of rationale regarding what I need to stick around. This can easily feel manipulative for her, and if I'm not careful, I can get into the command and control mindset, which is exactly what I dislike about my relationship with her, and why I'm leaving it.

The problem is that there are so many things I'd need to change, she wouldn't be able to change everything. In essence, I'm only reinforcing that she's "not enough" for me because I don't want to stay with her as she is. This is of course hurtful for her and not what I want.

I want to support her and will do so. But she's at the point now where she's telling me I take the boys and wants to completely cut contact with all of us.

[truthdevotee]

I described tonight why I plan to leave.

She's not happy, and her responses range from apathy and defeat "so just go if you go" and anger and gaslighting. She wants me to stick around.

I am hesitant to discuss why I'm leaving with her again. I've been really clear tonight, kind but ruthlessly honest about my wants, needs, likes and dislikes. It's not been easy for her to hear.

The reason why I'm hesitant is because although she is asking for tranparency, getting into "discussion" with her pulls me into the FOG. Listening to the feelings in my heart isn't something that comes naturally, so I'm easily manipulated.

She's fighting to get me to stay. The problem is, in expressing my likes and dislikes, needs and wants, I naturally am setting a sort of rationale regarding what I need to stick around. This can easily feel manipulative for her, and if I'm not careful, I can get into the command and control mindset, which is exactly what I dislike about my relationship with her, and why I'm leaving it.

The problem is that there are so many things I'd need to change, she wouldn't be able to change everything. In essence, I'm only reinforcing that she's "not enough" for me because I don't want to stay with her as she is. This is of course hurtful for her and not what I want.

I want to support her and will do so. But she's at the point now where she's telling me I take the boys and wants to completely cut contact with all of us.

Note: tonight she is sleeping in the living room rather than next to our youngest son, where she normally sleeps. She says she needs to get used to not being around him, therefore I should sleep there.

It's scary that she would do this... how should I take it?

[Notwendy]

You have had your say. Stop the circular discussions. They aren't helping. Once you have said what you need to say you don't have to revisit it over and over.

Don't make your decisions based on her emotions. Emotions can be all over the place. If she truly wants to leave all of you, that is her decisions. She may change her mind or not.

Your job is to protect and care for your boys. Children do need to learn to sleep by themselves but I know some parents and cultures do co-sleeping. If the 2 year old has been used to sleeping with his mother, this is a disruption for him. You all need your sleep and he may stay up crying as this is an abrupt change for him. Sleeping next to him might be the best solution for now.

[GaGrl]

NotWendy is so right. You have had a clear and blunt conversation about your relationship and what is lacking. Any further conversations will serve only to ramp up her emotions and perhaps her manipulations.

Your focus right now needs to be on finding a new place to live and getting a nanny/childcare set up. Be practical.

[ForeverDad]

She might leave you with the kids?  Don't protest.  You can handle the parenting, no problem.

Your youngest might not be used to sleeping by himself?  That's no big deal either.  I recall that in the final months before separation my then-spouse was so rejecting that she slept with our three year old, locking herself in his room.  Here's all that happened when the separation started...

I recall my own separation.  (My spouse was removed by the police for Threat of DV charge.)  I had my 3 year old son that first week.  Twice he woke up and asked about his mother, I simply said she's not here.  That was it.  Nothing more.  He was just fine with that.  In fact, in those early days I was freaking out, tried to be overly-fair and so I mentioned her, but he immediately changed the subject.  I didn't block her but realized I could just let it go.

Just be prepared for whatever happens, or not.

And that time I mentioned her, trying to be oh so fair?  We were mixing cookie batter and he immediately redirected me to keep mixing.  He was the one changing the subject!  Lesson learned... this is not the time to be "fair", just be right.

[truthdevotee]

You have had your say. Stop the circular discussions. They aren't helping. Once you have said what you need to say you don't have to revisit it over and over.

Don't make your decisions based on her emotions. Emotions can be all over the place. If she truly wants to leave all of you, that is her decisions. She may change her mind or not.

Your job is to protect and care for your boys. Children do need to learn to sleep by themselves but I know some parents and cultures do co-sleeping. If the 2 year old has been used to sleeping with his mother, this is a disruption for him. You all need your sleep and he may stay up crying as this is an abrupt change for him. Sleeping next to him might be the best solution for now.

Thanks so much. I will stop the discussions now and simply move in the right direction.

Today I have a flat viewing but the place isn't available until Sept. 15th so not sure if it's suitable. I will line up an Airbnb if it seems I should leave asap with the boys.

Thank you for clarifying what is on my side of the road and what's hers. That I'm not responsible for her decisions. It's super helpful.

[truthdevotee]

NotWendy is so right. You have had a clear and blunt conversation about your relationship and what is lacking. Any further conversations will serve only to ramp up her emotions and perhaps her manipulations.

Your focus right now needs to be on finding a new place to live and getting a nanny/childcare set up. Be practical.

Thanks GaGrl. I'll be practical now and focus on next steps -
1. Choice of a flat to rent
2. Lining up an Airbnb sooner if needed
3. Getting a private kindergarten organized for my youngest (2 year old), at least 2 days per week
4. Organizing nanny support

Probably lining up the Airbnb is a good idea now as I can already start introducing the boys to a nanny and giving my EXPWBPD space. Today she's locked herself in her room.

[truthdevotee]

She might leave you with the kids?  Don't protest.  You can handle the parenting, no problem.

Your youngest might not be used to sleeping by himself?  That's no big deal either.  I recall that in the final months before separation my then-spouse was so rejecting that she slept with our three year old, locking herself in his room.  Here's all that happened when the separation started...

And that time I mentioned her, trying to be oh so fair?  We were mixing cookie batter and he immediately redirected me to keep mixing.  He was the one changing the subject!  Lesson learned... this is not the time to be "fair", just be right.

Thank you ForeverDad. I'm going to be a Forever Dad like you.
Thanks for your experience strength and hope.
I will look after these children and ensure they're safe. They can start connecting with my family of origin in my country of origin - they have Aunties and Uncles and cousins there...
I will not focus on "fair." I will focus on doing what's right and taking the next right step.
She'll be going through her process now. I've been transparent about everything. Now I take action and make it all happen.

[truthdevotee]

I love you and wish for you and us the best

Honey

try to see me differently than the woman from past.

I changed a lot. Still in process though...

I learnt to love you as you are sometimes still slipping. Than realizing what has happened and improving.

I love your friends from meeting and love your family of origin.

I want for everyone the best!

She's really trying to make things stay the same. "Love your family of origin" - I have never heard that in my life.

It's hard to read the words because I don't want to be duped. I want to stay close to ME and follow MY HEART, because the mind is full of doubt.

Yesterday she told me in essence she would abandon the boys if I left. 2 weeks I got called evil.
The frequency of these incidents has only decreased the more she's seen me willing to leave.

It's sad that it would have to be this way, that in order to achieve some semblance of love, I would have to threaten to leave.

[truthdevotee]

She's really trying to make things stay the same. "Love your family of origin" - I have never heard that in my life.

It's hard to read the words because I don't want to be duped. I want to stay close to ME and follow MY HEART, because the mind is full of doubt.

Yesterday she told me in essence she would abandon the boys if I left. 2 weeks I got called evil.
The frequency of these incidents has only decreased the more she's seen me willing to leave.

It's sad that it would have to be this way, that in order to achieve some semblance of love, I would have to threaten to leave.

Is it common for people with borderline traits to do this? To fight to keep the relationship together when they see their partner is just about to leave? I just fear that when the situation is forgotten, I'll again be subject to all the pain and sadness and anguish.

[ForeverDad]

Yesterday she told me in essence she would abandon the boys if I left.

Document this.  As an adult she can do what she wishes with her life.  It has been observed that pwBPD have an attachment disorder, fear of abandonment is huge to them, so strange that their actions end up doing that to their relationships.

(1) Is it common for people with borderline traits to do this? (2) To fight to keep the relationship together when they see their partner is just about to leave? (3) I just fear that when the situation is forgotten, I'll again be subject to all the pain and sadness and anguish.

(1) Yes, there is a wide range of responses, but essentially it is all about them and the abnormal which is normal to them, as long as they control the dynamic.
(2) Together at any cost to you and others, to get things back to the dynamic they prefer and in their perceived comfort zone.
(3) Yes.  Which is why, when there is no or insufficient improvement, that relationships so unbalanced and dysfunctional cannot continue.

[truthdevotee]

Document this.  As an adult she can do what she wishes with her life.  It has been observed that pwBPD have an attachment disorder, fear of abandonment is huge to them, so strange that their actions end up doing that to their relationships.

I thought the same too regarding the paradox of them triggering abandonment.

(1) Yes, there is a wide range of responses, but essentially it is all about them and the abnormal which is normal to them, as long as they control the dynamic.
(2) Together at any cost to you and others, to get things back to the dynamic they prefer and in their perceived comfort zone.
(3) Yes.  Which is why, when there is no or insufficient improvement, that relationships so unbalanced and dysfunctional cannot continue.

Thank you... This insight is tremendous. Grateful for your awareness. It makes complete sense. This makes me feel more steady in the face of her sweetness. In fact, I have never ever seen her so sweet. It's sad and I feel compassion for her, but I'm keeping those feelings carefully.

I think she is high functioning bpd. So called quiet? She never has idolised me. I have been the target of only criticism and rage. She has no addictions, to the outside world she is normal, she would never engage in self harm or suicidal ideation. She's calculated, highly controlled. She cries so I do see her genuine pain, but she's unaware of herself.

The sweetness is scary to me because it's not her and it's bigger now than ever. She's trying to get me to stay implicitly.

[Notwendy]

I think your best answer for whether or not this is common with your wife is your past history with her over conflicts or anger episodes. If you see a pattern then you know this is a common pattern for your wife.

I see these patterns as having some different causes. There is the push-pull of these relationships - the "I hate you don't leave me".  There is the fear of abandonment that kicks in when the person pulls away and that can result in the pulling them back behavior. Then I think the rage episodes serve as a sort of release valve for negative emotions, and after one of them, they feel better and assume you do too. Feeling better, they behave differently.

From my own perspective, real change takes time. Saying " Look I have changed now, everything is different" doesn't happen that fast. Behavior is also influenced by motivation. We are all influenced by motivation. If her fear of you leaving is high, then she is motivated to behave well in hopes of getting you to stay. Once you stay, the fear is diminished and there's less motivation.

It's very sad that pwBPD tend to behave worse around the people they are most intimate with. Intimacy requires vulnerability and that is scary.  They are less vulnerable with acquaintances and seem to hold it together with them for short periods of time. I don't think this would be the case if they were with them all the time like they are with their families.

The sweet side is hard because it's the side we want to see, the one we hope to see.

Your assessment of your situation is your answer.

[truthdevotee]

I think your best answer for whether or not this is common with your wife is your past history with her over conflicts or anger episodes. If you see a pattern then you know this is a common pattern for your wife.

I see these patterns as having some different causes. There is the push-pull of these relationships - the "I hate you don't leave me".  There is the fear of abandonment that kicks in when the person pulls away and that can result in the pulling them back behavior. Then I think the rage episodes serve as a sort of release valve for negative emotions, and after one of them, they feel better and assume you do too. Feeling better, they behave differently.

From my own perspective, real change takes time. Saying " Look I have changed now, everything is different" doesn't happen that fast. Behavior is also influenced by motivation. We are all influenced by motivation. If her fear of you leaving is high, then she is motivated to behave well in hopes of getting you to stay. Once you stay, the fear is diminished and there's less motivation.

It's very sad that pwBPD tend to behave worse around the people they are most intimate with. Intimacy requires vulnerability and that is scary.  They are less vulnerable with acquaintances and seem to hold it together with them for short periods of time. I don't think this would be the case if they were with them all the time like they are with their families.

The sweet side is hard because it's the side we want to see, the one we hope to see.

Your assessment of your situation is your answer.

This is an extremely enlightening post. Thanks so so much. I just can't see this clearly on my own, reading the posts you and others write brings much needed clarity.

In particular, I now understand the different possible elements impacting her current behaviour much more clearly. It's insightful to recognise that in truth change just doesn't happen that fast.


Yes, I see, ultimately, my assessment is the answer. Our history, our potential, what I can handle currently.

She has improved since I have become more self confident, since she can't gaslight me as much anymore, and since I'm strong about getting my needs met. She has improved. But, things are still pretty awful, and I'm at the end of my tether. I'm exhausted, and my own inner work beckons me to create a life that I can't complain about. To complain about any aspect of life is to be in a victim mentality. My inner work has brought me to a place where I see I'm creating everything, and if I'm displeased, if I feel stuck and resentful, I have the power to change that, and the power to create the life of my dreams. I feel like I'm wading through mud next to her, unable to feel free and happy internally.

Ill have another flat viewing tomorrow and one on Monday next week.

[truthdevotee]

Been studying childhood attachment styles and their impact on adult behaviour.

I believe my EXPWBPD is the Disorganized type. Interesting that the page even mentions BPD.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/disorganized-attachment/

[truthdevotee]

It was a bit awkward tonight as my expwbpd was talking about celebrating my birthday tomorrow. She said do I want to video call my family of origin.

I said no. I said I don't want a big fuss, just that we can give a little gift to our children and eat a cake.

This is the circumstance as I'm still living in her flat with them, which she says is my flat.

The status is that she doesn't know I'm searching for flats. She knows I don't want any physical contact and limit all conversation to a minimum.

I probably sounded very gloomy and cold but it just feels strange to encourage her to celebrate my birthday, considering what I'm planning.

I have another flat viewing on Saturday and another on Sunday.

She's been very kind last few days, overall. The more distant I am, the sweeter she is.

This makes sense through the lens of the Disorganised attachment style, which I think she has. She's has a simultaneous attraction and aversion to intimacy, which is why her behaviour is so inconsistent. As I've pulled away completely, she's now calmer and kinder. It's so bizarre but I'm now in a place where it's not confusing. I have come to the conclusion that she is making genuine efforts to get healthy, but it's not enough for a mutual loving relationship, and the real big actions are completely missing, such as going to therapy. Therefore I'm continuing to move in the direction of getting my own flat.

I suppose I felt a bit guilty for being cold when she was showing interest in my birthday. I just feel my heart is completely closed now towards her, because opening it will again likely result in her acting out with BPD behaviour eventually. It's this up and down that I don't want anymore.

So yeah, I was cold and distant, but not unkind at all. Given the context, I suppose this was needed

[truthdevotee]

She came to me again and rested her arm in my shoulder. I kindly reminded her of the boundary no physical touch. She came to me as she wanted to know why I don't want to call my family of origin with her on my birthday.

We conversed for a while. I felt plenty of anger. I told some truths such as that I don't have the energy to continue through the ups and downs. The name calling, inconsistency, etc. I'm not sure if any of this talk from my side was worthwhile, I would have preferred to stay silent and not talk to her. The conversation took me by surprise.

I felt frustrated as I spoke as I have come to feel so frustrated with her in general. I didn't get out of hand but the energy was very fiery inside me. I would have preferred to operate more calmly internally and in my tone, but alas, that's my human side. At some point I reminded myself to breath consciously.

In the conversation I let her know I'm in the process of looking for apartments.

She was calm and composed and even owned that she should learn to stop name calling.

My frustration levels are so high with her =(

And she says these calm sounding things so I reminded her that two days ago she was telling me that she will cut off her children if leave.

At one point I mentioned that I can't trust her not to cheat on me in the future. This wasn't really necessary.

So, a bit of a messy conversation, where I also felt anxious about being pulled back in.

Is my anger and frustration a lack of forgiveness on my part? Or is it inner wisdom which is pushing me to distance myself, due to things being so bad still with not enough hope and happiness to continue living alongside her?

[Cat Familiar]

Perhaps it’s just a sign of the dam starting to crack. You’ve been holding back so many feelings for years to maintain a more peaceful equilibrium and now you are beginning to be more authentic with her.