Tentative Introduction

[BewilderedandFee]

This is my first post.

  I've known this person around 10 years.  Things have always been complicated (intense emotion, both negative and positive, where the fragility of those moments was almost frightening).  They have a significant trauma history and I have become their 'favorite person.'  Things are rapidly spiraling downward.  I never would have believed we could be where we are now, neither one of us recognizing the other. 

I'm so scared for them and so unsure of what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[adeliagard]

First of all, contact a specialist. Trying to find solutions to the problem

[BewilderedandFee]

I am trying to connect them with clinicians,  with mixed results.  I am reading everything I can get my hands on, watching countless videos and trying to connect with people who understand ... like what I thought I would find here.  Here, of all places, I had hoped for support.

[fernleaf]

Hi, BewilderedandFree--

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but you sound like someone just learning of a loved one's diagnosis and totally at sea about what to do. BPD is a real challenge when you are a favorite person or caretaker because dealing with it runs counter to so much folk wisdom and traditional parenting. For me there has been a steep learning curve. Can you be more specific about what you are seeing and what you need help with?

[BewilderedandFee]

Thank you for the empathy, fernleaf.  It is new.  There have always been challenges, but as things have become more critical, this person was willing to look into certain potential diagnoses.  And, given that lack of identity has always been an issue, traits they have learned about are manifesting constantly (walking on eggsgells ALL of the time and not just some days, splitting to the point of being absolutely cruel, instead of a once every few weeks 'What was that?' interaction.  This person has always had a tendency to threaten suicide, but it is constant now.  'If this happens, if this doesn't happen, if you do or don't do, I'll kill myself.   I appreciate any advice.  Thank you.

[fernleaf]

There are a few therapies that have been provenen effective for BPD: dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), mentalization, and schema therapy. These are structured therapies and DBT is very skills-based. They work but conventional talk therapy does not. They require a lot of commitment. Make sure you find someone who uses one of these therapies. Also, you cannot treat BPD with medication except to lessen some specific symptoms, so avoid overmedicating. I highly recommend looking at the videos about BPD on the Maclean web site. There's a recent one ("Ask Me Anything" with Lois Choi-Kain) that is quite good, though I found the first 20 minutes or so slow. Also, if this is a minor you should read Blaise Aguirre's book on BPD and adolescents. As you are looking for the right therapist these might help you with some basic interpersonal strategies and safety issues.

[fernleaf]

Also, FWIW--it has taken me a very very very long time to realize that it is better for everyone, including my person with BPD, if I 1) try to maintain boundaries and have things in my life away from them, 2) do not react with anger or anxiety, and 3) try to practice radical acceptance, which is freaking hard if you are caring for someone with this disorder because every instinct tells you you are giving up when you do. But it really just helps take the temperature way down and keep you with adequate emotional reserves so you can be okay for yourself and the other person. Reactivity does not work. You might also find this family guidelines document helpful: https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Family-Guidelines-standard.pdf

[BewilderedandFee]

Thank you so much, fernleaf.

You have given me much to think about and some paths to follow..

I am working on not allowing myself to be hurt by the cruelty.  Only partially successful.   Perhaps your guidance with radical acceptance will help me progress and find more balance.