Daughter with BPD

[Poppy’s Mom]

My daughter is 25 years old and just shared with me that she thinks she has BPD. My therapist has mentioned this several times to me about her over the last 2 years. My daughter in law has brought it up as well. My daughter just started with a new therapist in May and my daughter shared her self diagnosis with her therapist and she didn’t agree with Emily’s thoughts. Now that I have looked into it, my daughter clearly has BPD. Through my therapy I know I can’t fix her, but need guidance for myself and the rest of the family. I am through chapter 1 of Stop Walking on Egg Shells(I can’t tell you how many times I have used that term when talking about my daughter), so I am feeling hopeful for our situation. She moved back in with us last November and it has been really hard on all of us. Our oldest son feels she is manipulating us and is anger at her for it. I can see how this disorder can tear a family apart. I am hopeful that I will gain some knowledge to help me cope with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Poppy’s Mom - and welcome!
    We can relate to the repercussions on the rest of the siblings. I think it’s impressive that your daughter has been willing to recognize her diagnosis.
    Can you tell us more about your daughter’s level of independence? Does she have viable income? Is there a plan for her to find her own place, in the near future?
   
   

[SaltyMiMi]

Hi and Good Morning. I just read your post and it almost mirrors my situation exactly. My daughter was recently dx with BPD . She moved back in with us after losing her own apartment. She is 24 . She does have other siblings . Her older brother sees the manipulation and isn’t very happy either .
For the past 8 months we have been learning about BPD and how to help her AND ourselves . As of last Thursday we have had to fast forward and speed things up a bit as far as getting help . She wrecked her car and then took our vehicle and had a roll over accident not wearing her seatbelt. She ended up with bruises and broken ribs and whiplash . She was not wearing her seatbelt which is not like her. God was with her , she is home with us .
Bless you and us and all the other families who are newly going through the same thing . I do feel good about all the resources available and have high hopes for her to live a normal and fulfilling life .

[Mum of 5]

Hello to you,   I am new here as well, with a 28 yr old daughter with BPD, her name Emily as well.  We have just realized she has BPD in the last month, because I have been reading and what I've read is a script from our lives.  She too has recently returned to our home after a fail at independence.  Cannot hold a job.  We have been dealing with her 'behaviour' since early teens always believing/hoping maturity would bring some changes.  It has not, only getting farther away from normal.  I cannot help you in your quest for help, because I too am just learning and understanding.  What I have been told tho, is that a 'certified DBT' therapist is what is required, where traditional therapists will not. Our daughter begins with one today, so we have hope.  I will pass along any helpful information to you, if it comes our way thru therapy.   Reading has been a godsend in understanding this, and I have found more empathy/patience/renewed strength in dealing with her. I have read excerpts of the books to my husband, (who had zero tolerance with her behaviour), but now I see he has a change in his reactions.   Our Emily has ADHD as well, so always believed her behaviour was that.   She too has alienated some of her siblings, in particular her twin.  Very sad.   But hope, today we have hope.   I will be back to you as I too learn.   KH

[SaltyMiMi]

Good Morning Mum of 5 -
I would definitely like to hear your daughter’s experience with DBT . I tried to set up a DBT therapy for my daughter and she didn’t want to have anything to do with it . I think therapy such as DBT or something of the like would work well in combination with her meds .
It is good I think when they do start talking about their diagnosis . It’s acknowledgement.
As I have learned more about BPD , my mental health has improved as boundaries are set up .

[Mum of 5]

Hello SaltyMimi,

Daughter has not actually acknowledged outwardly she has BPD.  What she knows is, that she needs help to make her life work better and that is the force behind her seeking the help..   She isn't strong cognitively with anything.  I believe her inability to negotiate the easier things in life ie: is her frustration due to ADD, and likely the reason for the BPD, since parental and siblings reactions to her from a young age was different than between ourselves. 

Reading thru some of these threads has me being somewhat more hopeful, for better days, bc she has no addictions, or children. 
Not having a job is a daily obsession, along with a very skewed sense of self/body image/how she appears to others, and yet is a beautiful girl. As you know, any attempt by anyone to instill reason to her thinking, is met with argument.

She went to the first session w/ DBT therapist and came out smiling, but of course that lasted all of an hour.
She is booked for 2 sessions/wk for the next 6 weeks and will continue with that until together they decide for less frequency.   I'll report back at the end of the initial weeks to say whether there is any real improvement.

All of us are struggling in so many ways with our family members with this.  Both my husband and I too, have had improved thinking about her, and how to deal with it, with the reading. (I read excerpts to him)  Glad you are finding some peace as well.   KH

[SaltyMiMi]

Thank you for the update on DBT . Please do keep us informed.
I am feeling emotionally drained today .
I dont know if I already wrote this or not but my daughter went to her first TMS appt and she said she couldn’t do it because it hurt her head . She said the therapist will be in touch for the next step . She was involved in a car accident last week and I don’t know if that has anything to do with the hurting .
I just want her to start something, anything! Meds alone are not helping a whole lot . Maybe just taking the edge off . It’s Prozac and Seroquel right now .
She quit her job this week . Maybe too much stress .
Can ADHD and BPD coexist ? I have heard my daughter say she thinks she’s misdiagnosed. She thinks she has ADHD . I know it’s definitely BPD also , checks all the boxes for that .
Don’t forget to pray and get some self care in

[Mum of 5]

I was told by a psychologist that ADD with BPD is a co-morbidity.  At a young age of 7 she checked the boxes for ADD, and in my opinion, BPD cannot exist that way at that age but from what I've read, the BPD potential is there at birth, the hyper emotionality, sensitivity... Ie:  daughter at age 6/7,while sitting in a restaurant, would say, "mum, that girl is looking at me"  I would respond that she was only looking bc Em was looking at her.  That happened often.  Today at 28, she feels people are looking, watching, after her.  So yes, it's there.   

About the seroquil..   I was told by a Doc, that was not the one, but daughter is not bi polar.  Depressed and high anxiety.
 Daughter just started, in fact, 1.5 weeks ago, 2mgs then 5mgs started last friday, of Abilify.   A new generation antipsychotic.   It is working...  her mood is majorly improved already, and she is more like her old self, with a level of happiness.   I do realize our loved ones affected, are all different with different needs, but may be worth the consideration. 
If you are in the US, it may be called something different..  Canada here.   

How old is your daughter?  Is she the one that wears you out? or a combination of things?  I know when Em is on a roll, I am blitzed.   Do take care of yourself.  yes.
 

[SaltyMiMi]

Hello-
My daughter is 24 . As I’m writing this we are sitting in the ER waiting for her to go back . She had a high impact roll over vehicle accident last Thursday and cracked ribs . Her oxycodone ran out yesterday or day before and she said the Ibuprofen is not helping . She was in so much pain at home that she couldn’t breath and she had so much anxiety . But on the way she wanted a strawberry smoothie and turned the radio on .I’m not understanding or I’m in denial and don’t want to understand . I know her ribs have got to hurt .
She has 2 beautiful boys age 2 and 7 and being a parent to them plus when daughter is rolling I’m  taking care of 3 children . I think she wears me out more because it’s emotional, that just drains me .
As I’m reading your story and others and reflecting back when she was growing up there are some things that resonate with me . Having her tested for ADD early age . She was more dramatic than the other kids .
She attached to boys at an early age . She had her first baby at 17 .
I’m guessing she has ADD and BPD as well .
I have improved on how I respond to her . I’ve learned how to validate . I’ve learned how to tell myself I choose to ….. fill in the blank . I dont want to be held hostage by this dx but want to support her and help her get help .
The DBT sounds promising. Don’t know if my daughter will go back to the TMS for her second appt . As of today she said she won’t go but that’s today . Come Monday might be a different story .
I sure hope they don’t give her any opioids in the ER tonight . I think she has a prescription problem .
I look forward to sharing more . And reading more from youall.

[SaltyMiMi]

Good Morning-
I will take my daughter to her second TMS appt today .
Yesterday after the first appt , I did hear a “ thank you” from her and she did spend time outside of her room . 
I am thinking that TMS therapy is just making its way to being recognized as helping those with BPD . It triggers parts of the brain that control the rational thought process and the emotion control area .
I will give updates as we get farther along in the treatments . I believe she has to go 5 days a week for weeks , maybe months .
The TMS is what she is participating in as well as Seroquel and Prozac at this time.
My husband and I are also talking with a counselor who is making sure we take time for self care . It’s so easy to fall in to the self blaming when it’s a child that is suffering .
Also making clear boundaries for our daughter has helped alot .

[SaltyMiMi]

Good Morning-
Daughter finished 1 week of treatment of TMS therapy . About 5 more weeks to go ! I have seen her up and about more . She is not closing herself off in her room as much . The hi and low cycle doesn’t seem to be as severe. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[adoptmom2]

What is TMS therapy? Thanks, newbie here

[SaltyMiMi]

Transcranial magnetic stimulation. Not officially approved for treating BPD but I believe it is being looked at for treatment of BPD . My daughter went through 2 weeks and has stopped for now . She said it wasn’t helping but I have noticed a closing gap on her high and low cycle. I talked with the TMS tech about her not wanting to continue and she told me that for some people it can be pretty intense . She said it’s possible my daughter needs to rest for a while. She compared it to someone doing an intense workout with weight training for muscles and you need recovery time for the muscles afterwards . Any other information on it I would love to hear about .

[nervous mom]

My daughter has TMS treatment late last year and completed the entire 36 consecutive day treatment and the doctor had her stop all her anti-depressant meds during that process.  She thinks it worked.  Unfortunately, for me she treats me worse than when she was on anti-depressants.  She is 55 years old and lost her job when she had covid19, which was before she started TMS treatment.  I don't know what the psychiatrist diagnosed her with because she doesn't share that with me.  I just recently has some phone sessions with a psychologist who suspects from my description of her that she may have BPD.

After reading other people's stories, I realize my problems aren't as severe.  Nonetheless, I feel she needs help and I don't know how to get it for her.  She has never married even though she has lived with 2 partners when she was young.  I hate that she may never experience the joy of loving someone.  All of her relationship, with friends come and go.  My husband and I helped her find her birth mother and she had a good relationship for her for a while but even that didn't last (she passed away last year).  She had a half sister and brother but they rejected her right away.  About a year ago she found information about her deceased birth father who had 2 daughters.  She met them and flew across the country to meet them and all went well until they both recently rejected her.  She won't admit to any problem with any of them.  She just says they 'ghosted' her, like everyone does. 

Sorry to go on and on. 

[Poppy’s Mom]

UPDATE:
I am at the end of my rope with my daughter. I almost kicked her out two weeks ago in a fit of rage, but gave it 48 hrs to calm down. When I was discussing my frustrations with my 26 year old son and that I have given my husband(their dad) an ultimatum that it is either me or our daughter( I will move to Minnesota to live with our oldest, his wife and granddaughter) I think our daughter over heard the conversation because she has  been a pleasant person to be around. However, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My frustration is with my husband. He is very forgiving and thinks helping is the answer and grabs onto any little progress she makes. She has made some big steps-purchasing a car and car insurance and has held a job for 9 mos., but that is what a 25 year old should do. We both need to go to a coda meeting, so he can understand our roles in this disfunction.  I want her on her own by 10/31/21.  After reading 5 hours of the site’s posts, it is clear to me that should be the next step and pray for a miracle. Any suggestions on how to go about it? TIA