responding to blame

[Dahlia2020]

My adult daughter with BPD/BP2 blames everything on me.  How do I validate her feelings without validating the blame?  For example, "Well I did not get the job I  wanted.  Know why? I couldn't spend enough time on my resume because I had to be on the phone with my insurance company coordinating my own care.  So thanks a lot!"

My response.  "I'm sorry you didn't get the job you wanted.  I am sure you are disappointed.  That really stinks."

Her response:  "You know what really stinks?  Being misunderstood.  Being lied to.  Being abused (which she was not)... then the whole script she stores in her mind spills out.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Dahlia 2020, welcome!
This is so hurtful and difficult, when we are charged with terrible things.
 Does she live with you?
 It sounds like your empathEric response was spot-on.
 Perhaps we can only keep repeating and rephrasing our empathy for their feelings, without taking the bait to JADE: justify, argue, defend, explain - which just accelerates their anger.

[Sancho]

Golly those words 'Thanks a lot'  rang a lot of bells for me! I hear that so often, whenever a tiny thing even goes wrong, off it starts and ends with 'Thanks a lot'.

One of these days I would like to have the time to find out why BPD folk have to blame. I am sure it is a symptom of the way the BPD mind works - or malfunctions - like a young child who falls over, feels the pain, gets angry and blames mum for (a) the fact that it happened in the first place and (b) the fact that mum is not making it instantly better.

The example of the response you gave seems really appropriate. Yet I understand where it goes from there, because it is exactly how it would be in my case.

I don't have any answers - I just do keep a response as short as possible. The other thing I suppose is that I let the blame go over my head as much as possible. I think of it as a kind of tantrum: the emotions have to scale down and until they have, anything I say is like pouring fuel on the fire to keep them heightened.

The biggest step for me was realising the outpouring of blame and abuse is part of the illness. Before I used to listen to it all, feel guilty, try to 'fix' things.

I hope you can find a way to wrap a protective layer around yourself, so that the impact of the blaming and abuse is less painful and destructive for you.