Daughter in law with BPD, new baby, chaos.

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm not sure how to start. My son has been married to M. for 2 years. We all knew about her having BPD and bi polar. They went through a lot of fights, and we tried to stay out of it. I know it was hard for them. M got pregnant, and that was great! We were all happy. She went off her medication. Little stressful, but all was pretty good. Had a beautiful girl. That little girl is now 4 months old, and M. is like a person I've never met. Everything was fine, but all of a sudden, she stopped coming over. When she did come over a few times, she was sullen, not talkative, just not herself. You could tell she did not want to be there. My husband and her got along great! That changed. When my son would come over, it was always by himself for a few hours, once a week. We live about 2 miles from them. Anyway, my husband had to much to drink one night, (I know, no excuse) and made a reference to her being so controlling, like a past old girlfriend used to be. BIG mistake! She sent a text saying We weren't good grandparents, and we never call and see how Ava is doing and that is why she wouldn't ALLOW our son to bring her over here. I thought, WHAT? Now, was I calling her once or twice a week? nope. I didn't do that with my other two grandkids, which my other daughter in law told her. On top of all that we never felt very welcomed at their house. (Which was ours, we sold them and gave them a few thousands from our profits) She always called it a junky house, etc.. And, in my mind, an infant that is a few months old, what am I going to call about? They don't do a lot at that stage. At least in my mind. My husband and I don't go out much, AT ALL. They both know this. Her parents, who, she used to rant and rave about how she couldn't stand them, do. She has a better relationship with them now, and I'm truly glad. I'm glad she is closer to her family. BUT, all of a sudden, she is attacking me/us and EVERYTHING we have ever said and did. She has put up on FB, that people who "choose" not to be in my granddaughters' life are missing out. I'm not choosing to, she kicked me out of it. Of course she has blocked me on it too, but it's FB, I don't care. I have always walked on eggshells around her. I never knew what would set her off. Truthfully, she seemed like a spoiled brat at times. But, I love her. I don't know how to repair this relationship. My son is not speaking to us, because he is "standing by her", but I don't know what I/we did that causes her to act the way she does. OH, AND, she has a 2 year degree to be a therapist and going on for a 4 year degree!  But, she doesn't see what she is doing wrong? My husband and I have no problem accepting blame, but how do we talk to her and tell her, the things that has happened that bothered us?

[lindalou62]

I'm not sure how to start. My son has been married to M. for 2 years. We all knew about her having BPD and bi polar. They went through a lot of fights, and we tried to stay out of it. I know it was hard for them. M got pregnant, and that was great! We were all happy. She went off her medication. Little stressful, but all was pretty good. Had a beautiful girl. That little girl is now 4 months old, and M. is like a person I've never met. Everything was fine, but all of a sudden, she stopped coming over. When she did come over a few times, she was sullen, not talkative, just not herself. You could tell she did not want to be there. My husband and her got along great! That changed. When my son would come over, it was always by himself for a few hours, once a week. We live about 2 miles from them. Anyway, my husband had to much to drink one night, (I know, no excuse) and made a reference to her being so controlling, like a past old girlfriend used to be. BIG mistake! She sent a text saying We weren't good grandparents, and we never call and see how Ava is doing and that is why she wouldn't ALLOW our son to bring her over here. I thought, WHAT? Now, was I calling her once or twice a week? nope. I didn't do that with my other two grandkids, which my other daughter in law told her. On top of all that we never felt very welcomed at their house. (Which was ours, we sold them and gave them a few thousands from our profits) She always called it a junky house, etc.. And, in my mind, an infant that is a few months old, what am I going to call about? They don't do a lot at that stage. At least in my mind. My husband and I don't go out much, AT ALL. They both know this. Her parents, who, she used to rant and rave about how she couldn't stand them, do. She has a better relationship with them now, and I'm truly glad. I'm glad she is closer to her family. BUT, all of a sudden, she is attacking me/us and EVERYTHING we have ever said and did. She has put up on FB, that people who "choose" not to be in my granddaughters' life are missing out. I'm not choosing to, she kicked me out of it. Of course she has blocked me on it too, but it's FB, I don't care. I have always walked on eggshells around her. I never knew what would set her off. Truthfully, she seemed like a spoiled brat at times. But, I love her. I don't know how to repair this relationship. My son is not speaking to us, because he is "standing by her", but I don't know what I/we did that causes her to act the way she does. OH, AND, she has a 2 year degree to be a therapist and going on for a 4 year degree!  But, she doesn't see what she is doing wrong? My husband and I have no problem accepting blame, but how do we talk to her and tell her, the things that has happened that bothered us?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi lindalou,
Relationships are two way streets and it's hard when only one side is using the traffic controls... 

I can really understand the post where she says you are awful grandparents, yet she is the one not allowing you to see the kids!  This is crazy making.  I suspect that is what my step daughter is also doing, as well.  I have not gone searching to know it for sure, but what else could she possibly be telling people?  I do know that my step daughter is insulting people on social media, because her aunt (my husband's sister) told us she had to unfollow her because she was so mean to people.

She cut her bio mom off, then she cut her dad and I off (we have been together for about 7 years, since my step daughter was 19).  Many times I think it's for attention from others and her husband's parents have got to suspect it now that Both of her parents are pegged as "bad people."  I also wonder when she'll turn on them, her in laws?  I am really grateful that I got to know my step daughter's mother in law a little before she cut us off.  Went to both baby showers, which the mother in law hosted, once with her best friend.  I made the rounds and talked to everyone, they were mostly old ladies who had knitted quilts from her church.  I brought good gifts, bought off the registry. I brought gifts from my people who couldn't make the shower. I wanted everyone to know, that her Dad and I support her.  I wanted her to know it.  BTW, my step daughter's bio mom did not show up to either baby shower.

Guess that backfired.     Guess I cannot buy her love.  Kinda funny cause that was what she always implied, that we could.  She had the grandma nickname picked out for me (Nan) and she said that "I would always have a place in her kid's lives."  It was kind of like over the top, sugary sweet, now that I think about it.  Anyway, she pulled that rug out from under me, because those girls never got to call me Nan.  She also implied her bio mom would Not have any sort of status, I didn't really agree with that, but was honoring her decision to not talk to her bio mom.  At the time, she seemed intent on making me the favorite whilst shedding her own bio mom.  ick

BTW, your husband did nothing wrong.  I'm sure he knows that, but these people are so easily triggered, you only have to look at them wrong...or breathe...or you know, exist.

b

[lindalou62]

We were the wonderful parents. Before they got married she used to come over and complain about her family all the time, she told my son how much she enjoyed coming over. Even bragged about how I seemed more excited about the pregnancy then her family. I think her family knew waayyy more about dealing with her than we ever did . I now know why her mom asked her every day if she took her meds, why her dad said (kidding?) "Your son took a bullet, by marrying her" My son and I are/were so close and now...  He tells me he is sticking up for her, but for why or what? I am so confused. I can't blame just her, he claims he is sticking up for her, but when her dad would mouth off to her or call her names, he literally would say, I'm staying out of it, or push her to reconcile with him, if she stopped speaking to him for awhile. I am so confused about how they both are acting. And, it's only been 2 years into their marriage. IF, they do start talking to us again, I'm fearful of what the coming years will be like...

[beatricex]

Hi again lindalou,
Well fear is just something we do to occupy the time.  We get anxious or fear the worst.  I can tell you (my Mom is also BPD), that fearing what a BPD person will do gets you no where.  Might give you an ulcer, you may feel like you're having a nervous breakdown even...but you don't actually go anywhere.  I know, I went through all the stages of grief letting go of my step daughter.  I think it was worse because I was triggered by memories of my own mother, and what she did to us (my siblings and I), and I did start fearing the worst that was to come. 

I can tell you that focusing on yourself, you and your husband, and not letting this other couple with a baby (that's what they are) dictate your moods is a good starting point.

Of course it's hard, I have had to avoid the topic with my friends and coworkers.  My husband and I had to explain the whole thing to his siblings.  It's messy and not nice and I really don't like discussing it, except with my husband.  I feel judged by all those who will think but not say "oh, I guess she's one of Those stepmoms."

If nothing else, dealing with a BPD builds character and you will find out who your real friends are.

I know this isn't very consoling.  But you do have to look at this as one of those life growth moments, and I have to think of it as just one more test of my ability to endure the worst.  Cause I really haven't gotten many breaks. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, and you always have this place to come to if you need it.
 
b

[not poppie]

Dear Lindalou62,

I'm so very sorry you and your family are experiencing this with you DIL.  I'm just writing in solidarity.  Everything you say she has done, mine has also done.  It is going on 10 years here and there is not a thing that has changed no matter how much I try to love her or try to keep from stepping on her toes and distance myself from her drama and out right cruelty when she is spinning out.  I just try to remember that she is the reason for the upheaval.  Of course that is not a consolation.

On the worst side of it is that my only child is married to her and and I only get to be part of their children's lives in spurts.  As you say, everything is good and fine and then she starts to pull away and then starts in with I am the one causing the problems.  There is no peace.

Also, Beatricex is exactly right in all she says.  It's like a mirror ladies.  So sad.

I'm here in solidarity and prayers for us all.

Not poppie

[lindalou62]

At least I don't feel so alone. My son and I had been so close, since the day he was born. He was a mama's boy. I think that is why it hurts so much, he complained about her, and how she acted, but since his daughter was born, he seems see things differently? I'm slowly understanding, doesn't make it hurt any less though. Even though things should get "worked out", I will NEVER fully trust her again. Or my son, for that matter. I now know, she will twist things to fit her narrative. I miss my son and granddaughter everyday, but I don't miss the unknowing. It's been over 4 weeks, since I have seen my son and granddaughter, it sure seems longer. Thanks guys for the support..

[beatricex]

anytime lindalou and not poppy