First Post: Just Checking In

[wideout04071]

My wife exhibits both BPD and NPD traits. We have two beautiful, sensitive children (8 and 10). I found out in December she was/is having an affair with someone she describes as her "Twin Flame." She hasn't shown much remorse and doesn't seem to be doing anything to rebuild trust. At times says she wants marriage to work and at others says she wants to divorce. 10 year old saw texts and is aware of affair. He said, "Maybe if I'd told you, it wouldn't have happened." W has said in front of him that he's sabotaging our marriage and that we spend too much time on him and he's "the reason for the problems in our family." This has got to be traumatic for him. I thought 8yo was happily unaware of problems, but he recently told me he says yes to his brother (about playing) when he'd like to say "no." but he doesn't want brother to have a tantrum, because then Mom gets really scary and mean. W is sometimes super fun mom and at other times acts like what I've described. She rages. I'm stuck with the question of whether kids are better off with me in marriage as buffer or out of marriage providing a stable, loving environment with unconditional love 50% of the time. As I'm sure you all know, it's really difficult. Thanks for having this safe and supportive place - I need more sanity in my life!

[Turkish]

Hi wideout04071,

Since December is a long time to deal with this painful revalation, and it's sad that your oldest son knows. What do you think her means by what he said?

Kids shouldn't be in the middle of adult struggles and it gets harder to shield them the older they are (I wasin a similar situation, but our kids were 1 and 3, and my son had just turned 4 when she finally moved out).

What do you mean when your wife "rages?" Is It yelling, or is she violent towards you and in front of the kids?

[ForeverDad]

Kids shouldn't be in the middle of adult struggles and it gets harder to shield them the older they are.

As the saying goes, the walls have ears.

Take to heart that you should reassure your kids that it is NOT their fault.  They may still feel that way and perhaps as kids not be able to voice their feelings.  So they will need repeated assurances over time.

[EyesUp]

@wideout

Sorry you're going through this.  You will find support here.  

While this site is primarily about learning about PDs and not about legal advice, and I am not a lawyer, I strongly encourage you to get an attorney sooner rather than later.  This does not mean that I am advocating divorce - only you (or your spouse) can make that decision.

Now is the time to identify an atty who practices in your area, with experience in high conflict divorce, who can help you decide how to proceed. If your question for this board is how to decide to stay vs. leave, you need to understand with the D process entails - to do this, you need to speak with an atty.  You should interview several candidates, find out who has been practicing the longest, how they approach cases with an undiagnosed PD, and what other local resources they recommend for you and your kids.

You need to be proactive.  Get into individual counseling immediately, and look for resources for your kids, too.  Your counselor may have advice re: individual vs. family counseling in your situation.  

It's good that you're here and looking for answers.

When I discovered my W was having an affair, it took almost a year for me to get past the trauma and to begin to get focused.  This board has been an important resource for me in this process.

You will get through this.

[ForeverDad]

I'll add two points.

First, you have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  Contacting lawyers and ascertaining which would be lifesavers in a high conflict divorce is a sensitive task.  Sharing that level of information - TMI - would be quite triggering to your spouse and give her an unfair opportunity to sabotage you and your parenting.  So don't disclose such matters, not even if she manipulatively demands it.

On the other hand, if you saw the marriage was in the process of being repaired, sharing is optimal.  But as it appears now, lacking improvement, you must keep some things confidential, including what you learn in legal consultations and peer support such as here.  (Do not share this site with a problem spouse.)  The skills you can generally share, not the time-tested strategies.

Second, proactive is a good stance.  I recall the many times I was caught off guard and in the moment I had no response to my now-ex's demands and proclamations.  Then minutes or hours later I came up with possibly better responses.  Little by little I learned how to deal with these crisis moments.  One way was to take a few moments (or hours or longer) to ponder what had happened, what alternatives you have and then voice them more confidently or firmly.  There's nothing wrong with stating you need some time to ponder the matter.  (It's just hard when you have a ranting and raging spouse demanding whatever Right Now.)