Husband's domestic violence class assignment...kind of scary - 2

[Rose409]

He's been in this weekly class for a month now and they want him to ask the people he loves (so me and the kids) what about him pisses them off. Whoa. The kids and I don't want to answer because of his explosive rage. If I answered truthfully, the rage would be unstoppable. Should I just write some "little" things like mixing colors in the wash? ;) I think it's way too soon for this to be an assignment for him and the other guys in this class

[GaGrl]

How comfortable are you giving him exactly that message -- that it is too early in the class for that kind of assignment?

Do you have access to the class leader?

[Rose409]

I did this morning. I don't know who the leader is. Spouses aren't allowed in the group.

[GaGrl]

I think you let him take that back to the class. I agree that it's too soon for the class to be pushing that kind of assignment.

[Couper]

That is crazy.  That might work with mentally healthy and introspective people, but I would have to imagine that most of the people are in that class because they are not.  I agree with the suggestion to tell him it is too early and let him go back to the class with that.  It makes me wonder how often those in the class even go back with the honest answers they are given. 

[Selfishsally]

Oh no! That is scary! So sorry Rose...would you mind sharing with me the name of the program? Or is it just a local support group?

[Rose409]

It is a state-run program for those convicted of various crimes. He was charged and convicted of harassment (misdemeanor) back in April and while that time it was not really harassment, he's been harassing me for years. It is 36 weeks. I believe it is called batterers intervention. I read some of it and think it's good. I have been asking him for years to do anger management but of course I AM the problem. Of course most of the men in there don't think they have done anything wrong.

[Rose409]

Btw I spoke with two of my three kids this morning and they said they won't do it. I agree. That's too loaded right now.

[Rose409]

I just had a thought. I think most of these guys are no contact. However I live with my H. While I feel mostly safe, it could be more of a problem than for those who have no contact. Thoughts?

[zachira]

Maybe you could ask your husband to write down what he thinks you might say while making it clear you are not comfortable answering that question right now.

[Selfishsally]

Oh yes, the no contact would make sense. Even if you were not living in the same house it would be safer to answer. If you have any other option I would use it because even if he feels safe right now, most likely it will be used against you later. Unless, of course he really does get better, which would be awesome! But, if you are not there yet, be cautious!

[ForeverDad]

You literally have no way of knowing precisely what he reports back to them.  Surely there is some contact number where you can reach out to the program.

I view this similar to the therapist for a disordered person.  If you have concerns to share then usually the T, although usually limited in what to share with you, probably will listen to your input.