How to tell my husband I got my own apartment

[Koaly]

Hi forum! I’m new here but here goes: I’ve been with my uBPDh for 10 years, married for 4. We have a two-year-old daughter we both love very much. From reading the Internet and being in therapy,  I’ve come to realize that he is “high functioning /invisible” borderline, I’m super codependent/enmeshed with him; so much of our interactions involve around my avoiding his anger; and I wind up  tolerating a lot of emotional abuse. Other key facts: he never hit me. He has been through two individual therapists and two couples therapists, considers himself over it. No frickin way is he over it. Also, he really wants to have another kid and so do I, but I have said I don’t want to until our relationship is better. We are both 37 so we kind of should get on that. My therapist thinks I need to get out.
We live in an apartment that his parents used to live in, that is kind of tangled up with the fact that his mom killed herself (not there) and he misses her and is messed up from that. I have never liked living there, for the ghosty reasons above, and also it’s a fancier, more soul-sucking “luxury” lifestyle than I would choose. He knows this and it has fueled many a fight. He’s much wealthier than I am and I never paid a dime to live there. It has always felt like the place is under his control. I kind of feel like my moving in there was the first major boundary domino to fall.
But now I’m making more money from my job (I own my own business and it did well in lockdown) and I’ve gone and done what I dreamed of doing for so long: I found a little apartment in the exact neighborhood and specs that I wanted, and I signed a lease so it’s mine now! I love it. I have been going there while I’m theoretically at the office but at work they think I’m working from home. I feel like I’m having an affair but a very chaste affair with a quaint garden apartment. I’m happier already, for example I stopped compulsively picking my cuticles so much which I thought I never could. But  I feel kind of like a cat that’s gotten stuck up a tree, like, where do I go from here? I hate keeping a secret but maybe it’s kind of great.
My dream would be that I tell him about this place and then I start living there and having my own space, but we stay married and  each of us stays with the other one sometimes and our daughter can stay in either place, so no one gets too lonely but we all have some time to ourselves. I learn to be my own person and set boundaries, and maybe some day we can move in somewhere together with enough space for all of us.
My worst nightmare would be that I tell him about this place and he immediately accuses me of trying to take our daughter away, he goes full nuclear high conflict divorce, and with superior lawyer money he wins custody of our daughter and proceeds to mess her up with his craziness.
A couple months ago I mentioned that I wanted to get a place like this and he didn’t react very well. We left it at a plan to run it by a couples therapist (a new one, I guess; we have to find one) and take their advice. I guess he was hoping the therapist would say I shouldn’t move out.
Ugh I’m not even sure what I’m asking. I guess, where should I turn for advice about how to play this? It feels important exactly how I tell him I got this apartment. But maybe I’m just thinking I can fix something I can’t fix and he’s just gonna be crazy. Maybe this is a terrible thing to tell anyone and it would make anyone crazy. Maybe I’m quite gaslit. What say you, forum?

[ForeverDad]

Also, he really wants to have another kid and so do I, but I have said I don’t want to until our relationship is better. We are both 37 so we kind of should get on that. My therapist thinks I need to get out.

I was concerned about the first part of this quote.  You've been with him for 10 years, married for 4 years, and an assortment of 4 therapists.  Things aren't better after all your efforts and the efforts of 4 professionals.  What basis do you have to realistically believe things will get better?  This might be better termed magical thinking?

Then I read what your therapist told you.  Probably nicely stated but the blunt message was... Get Out.

If you want another child, find a (mentally) healthier partner.  Please.

Maybe I shouldn't say it that way.  My personal beliefs are that marriage should be honored unless the other person is unfaithful.  In my case, I had to divorce anyway because my parenting was being actively obstructed in addition to all the blaming and discord.  But I was prepared to remain single if there was no infidelity.  Though I could remarry now, I happen to still be single.

He’s much wealthier than I am and I never paid a dime to live there. It has always felt like the place is under his control. I kind of feel like my moving in there was the first major boundary domino to fall.

So you are feeling the heavy hand of disordered FOG:  Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  We all felt that to some extent, that's because at heart we're all reasonably normal people caught in a dilemma not of our choosing.

My dream would be that I tell him about this place and then I start living there and having my own space, but we stay married and  each of us stays with the other one sometimes and our daughter can stay in either place, so no one gets too lonely but we all have some time to ourselves. I learn to be my own person and set boundaries, and maybe some day we can move in somewhere together with enough space for all of us.
My worst nightmare would be that I tell him about this place and he immediately accuses me of trying to take our daughter away, he goes full nuclear high conflict divorce, and with superior lawyer money he wins custody of our daughter and proceeds to mess her up with his craziness.

Do you need us to tell you which would happen, a dream or a nightmare?  You know deep down.  Now is the time to start preparing for a better future.  Accept that your plans and strategies going forward cannot be shared lest he sabotage them.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  What to share?  Usually sharing is only about parenting matters but you're not separated yet but still, keep the future plans and strategies private.  Beware of the inclination to share TMI - too much information.  Now is not the time to be "fair" since you already know that it will get you sabotaged.

[truthdevotee]

Hi Koaly
Just want to say I find your situation really inspiring. How you listened to your dream of the apartment and you had the courage to get it.
It's taken me years to learn I need to listen to my wants and needs. In the past couple of weeks, I've started feeling a pull to get my own place.
My EXPWBPD owns the place we're in now. She used to threaten me to get out as a way to control me, until she saw that it might actually happen that I leave. The house has always felt 'not mine'.
We have 2 boys, 4 and 2 years old. I think now is the time I trial separate, whilst they're little.
Would you frame your move to your new place as a trial separation?

[Selfishsally]

Koaly- I am kinda in the midst of these things right now. I was trying to work towards a safe conversation about a seperation and then I basically had to run out with my kids because he was getting in a rage and packing my 5S stuff to go with him since he was going to leave me. I am currently NC until next week. But, I like everything Foreverdad is saying and really encourage you to think on these things.
I know you dread having this conversation with the pwbpd but you have a safe space now. Maybe get your own therapist to help you with a safe transition?
It sounds like you are still trying to please him and keep him happy though. I totally understand that! But instead maybe you can really bring into focus what is best for you and your healing time right now?
I am really trying to learn all this as well but getting out I feel like I can breathe and feel for the first time in awhile.