I could use some advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm looking for some tips from you all. I'm over a year into the divorce process with a uBPDex. We're currently under a temporary parenting time order where I have about 33% of the time.

During a deposition two months ago, my ex was asked point blank if there was any reason for me to have less than equal parenting time immediately, and she said no. After the deposition, I asked my L if we could file a motion to modify the existing order on the basis of my ex's testimony, and he said yes. Three weeks passed, and he still hadn't done anything, so I followed up and he said he was waiting for the deposition transcript to be finalized so he could pull quotes from it and include them in the motion. That approach made sense to me.

However, the transcript was released 4-5 weeks ago, and my L still hasn't filed the motion because he "hasn't had a chance to" yet. As you can imagine, I'm furious right now and don't know what else to say. The entire exchange in the deposition about this topic was three sentences, and L's have templates with these motions already prepared, so the entire act of putting this motion together would take less than 10 minutes total.

He knows how hard this has been for me, knows how much this means to me to get more time with our D, and can't be bothered to do this. And it's not like he's representing me for free. I have no idea what to say or do at this point. It's hard enough battling a biased court system and a disordered ex, but when your own L doesn't even fight for you, that adds insult to injury.

Any tips you guys can share about handling this conflict with my L?

[alleyesonme]

I'm looking for some tips from you all. I'm over a year into the divorce process with a uBPDex. We're currently under a temporary parenting time order where I have about 33% of the time.

During a deposition two months ago, my ex was asked point blank if there was any reason for me to have less than equal parenting time immediately, and she said no. After the deposition, I asked my L if we could file a motion to modify the existing order on the basis of my ex's testimony, and he said yes. Three weeks passed, and he still hadn't done anything, so I followed up and he said he was waiting for the deposition transcript to be finalized so he could pull quotes from it and include them in the motion. That approach made sense to me.

However, the transcript was released 4-5 weeks ago, and my L still hasn't filed the motion because he "hasn't had a chance to" yet. As you can imagine, I'm furious right now and don't know what else to say. The entire exchange in the deposition about this topic was three sentences, and L's have templates with these motions already prepared, so the entire act of putting this motion together would take less than 10 minutes total.

He knows how hard this has been for me, knows how much this means to me to get more time with our D, and can't be bothered to do this. And it's not like he's representing me for free. I have no idea what to say or do at this point. It's hard enough battling a biased court system and a disordered ex, but when your own L doesn't even fight for you, that adds insult to injury.

Any tips you guys can share about handling this conflict with my L?

[EyesUp]

I would be furious. 

Without a bit more context, it's hard to offer advice, other than to say - what is your overall feeling about your atty?  Is this a pattern?  Have there been other reasons for concern? 

If you're thinking about changing representation, interview other candidates and have a new atty lined up before giving your current atty notice that you intend to make a change (probably a bit like managing communications with your stbx - don't over communicate).

If you're not at that point, then a good old-fashioned direct message could save time and get things in motion - consider asking your atty to commit to a schedule for a specific action item, and with a specific outcome in mind.  You might also consider doing this via email to ensure you capture the detail and eliminate room for the atty shift scope or commitment later...

FWIW, I'm dealing with some similar issues with my atty - "I can relate"

Good luck!

[GaGrl]

Of you keep in mind that your attorney works for you, i.e., you are the employer -- this becomes a performance management isdue. So handle it just the way you would in the workplace. I assume you've had a verbal conversation (step 1). Step 2 is a documented conversation -- he clear about your expectation for action, then follow up with an email. Includes deadline/timeline.

If no action by the expected deadline, that is when you are clear that the client/attorney relationship can be severed. You might give one more chance, but you wouldn't need to at that point.

The move to 50-50 doesn't appear to be important to your lawyer. It's actually a very important milestone to achieve prior to a final settlement.

[Skip]

Family court attorney's are poor time managers in general. The reason is that the divorce process has a wildly unpredictable work schedule and at any time, they can be called to drop everything to attend to the needs of a motion or hearing. The practice is always chasing deadlines.

I'm not making an excuse, rather I'm explaining a typical dynamic to help you think of how to get things moving.

One suggestion is to schedule a meeting to review the draft motion and sign it. In other words, create a deadline.

[yeeter]

My lawyers tend to do whatever they want on their own timetable.

At least, it 'seems' that way at times.  In fairness I hired them in part to provide expertise - sometimes this is counter to what I would like.

But with my current lawyer a face to face meeting is much more productive.  Emails at times go with zero response (I think there is an aversion with lawyers to put anything in writing) and phone calls are quite short (he tries to save money and not drone on).

I share your frustration about the lawyer not really fighting for what you want, or in the way you want.  I have heard others with similar complaints.  A spectrum.

I did change lawyers a little under a year into my divorce (23 mo and counting).  It was a complete reset and like starting over.  The new lawyer is 'different' but I can say any better (much cheaper though!).

Have a direct discussion with your lawyer, f2f, and ask if they really want to represent you or not.  Maybe there are reasons not being shared.  If not, then it may be time for a different lawyer and maybe they can provide recommendations.

[ForeverDad]

This is why William Eddy in his handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (just revised July 2021) devotes a chapter on how to select an experienced and proactive lawyer that can handle a difficult divorce case like ours.

I had a similar problem with my lawyer, though in the end it all worked out, just took two years.  My lawyer had told me we'd fix the temp order.  Looking back, I didn't understand that his perspective was to fix the poor temp order with a better final decree.  He had estimated my divorce would be 7-9 months, it turned out to be nearly 2 years!  It seemed neither he nor the court was inclined to "fix" the temp order.

Maybe my county never adjusted temp orders?  Or my view of what constituted "big issues" wasn't a concern for the professionals?  So if you can get your temp order modified based on new testimony (which more or less is what depositions provide) then you'd be getting a better response than I got.

[alleyesonme]

Thank you all for the advice. This is inexcusable, but I've already changed lawyers twice, so I'm extra hesitant to do so again at this point out of concern for the perception it may create with the judge.

I would imagine other people have had similar experiences, but it's as if an attorney will give you the full-court press so you'll hire them, and then as soon as you do, they no longer care about you or your case. Seems like an incredibly phony industry and I hope I never have to deal with these people again once this thing is over.

I've tried to communicate every way I know how, but it just hasn't gotten through. Fortunately, he did call and leave a message for my ex's L today, so I'm hoping that that gets us headed in the right direction. It's inexcusable that it took so long just to place that phone call, but I don't know what else I can do about it since I don't have the leverage of possibly firing him.

[GaGrl]

Sounds like it's time for a conversation that includes the expressions "inexcusable."

[alleyesonme]

Sounds like it's time for a conversation that includes the expressions "inexcusable."

Trust me, I've been wanting to do that for a long time. But I'm trying to walk that fine line between staying on his good side but still making sure he does what needs to be done. I haven't figured out yet where that line is.

[GaGrl]

Maybe a conversation that starts out, "As a client paying for your expertise, I want to clarify my expectations of your services..."

 I know it's a fine line. Just remember, you are the client paying the bill, and he/she is the service-provider.

[Skip]

I'm trying to walk that fine line between staying on his good side but still making sure he does what needs to be done. I haven't figured out yet where that line is.

This makes sense. 2.5 months to followup on the outcome of a hearing is too long, for sure.

Maybe a conversation that starts out, "As a client paying for your expertise, I want to clarify my expectations of your services..."

I would be cautious with this unless, of course, you are OK for his engagement to end. It feels powerful and in control, but is it? The implication is "or else". The "or else" is you fire the attorney, or he resigns. If he says "you're right , I'll file a motion of withdrawal of representation", are you ready for that? Or will you be apoligizing and asking him not to quit.

One suggestion is to schedule a meeting to review/approve the draft motion and sign it. In other words, create a deadline.

Is this not an option? It's a "work with me" push and he is obligated to meet with you if you request.

[alleyesonme]

Sorry for the delay in responding to the recent posts. As you all know, this process can be emotionally exhausting, so sometimes I just don't have it in me to post.

I ended up getting an attorney friend to help me pull the quotes and draft the motion, and sent it to my L, so all he had to do was sign and submit it. Two weeks after that, he actually filed it, so now we're just waiting.

I'm too deep into the process right now to consider changing L's, so I've been trying to avoid doing anything to rock the boat and cause him to withdraw.