Trying to survive parenting 2 teen daughters with BPD

[Mimsol]

I hope it’s ok that I am going to start off with a vent, as I have felt so alone in this for so long. I am the mom of a 16 year old and an 18 year old, both of whom have BPD which manifests differently in each. Both experienced sexual abuse by the teen son of a friend when they were 5 and 7, which began while I was sick in the hospital. My husband and I were not aware of this until 3 years ago, by which time their acting out had already reached a crisis point. Both have had suicide attempts and acute hospitalizations. My 16 year old spent 3 months in an out of town DBT residential facility last Oct-Jan, and came out seemingly doing better. We felt very hopeful, but she soon stopped practicing her skills, ditched her DBT therapist and started sliding back to old ways: lots of social upheaval, lying, stealing, using substances, ganging up with her sister against mostly me and sometimes my husband whenever I/we would try to set limits, which has been an ongoing battle for some time. If they don’t get what they want, they escalate and pushback for hours, sometimes, saying that we are mean and insensitive, even ‘abusive’ for ‘not listening to them’ (and giving in to whatever they want). They then go badmouth us to their friends and friends’ parents, which has made me several enemies. I never had discord like this before having teens! They used to be able to play me and my husband against each other, but not anymore. Since she did almost none of the assigned virtual schoolwork, my 16 yr old failed 10th grade and then failed summer school. My 18 year old almost didn’t graduate but pulled through by cheating/having friends help her do the work. She’s about to go off to college, and currently battles us so that she can contribute as little financially as possible (while spending $ on nicotine, alcohol & saving for tattoos once she’s away.) Big battles about NEEDING to bring one of our cars to school ‘for her mental well being’ and so she can get a job off campus. We would save enough $ taking by her off our insurance/not buying her gas, we’d rather give her a little more spending $ each month than add juggling car and job to the mix while adjusting to college /developing study habits without the distraction of a car - after barely doing school work these past 2 years. The level of hostility directed at us is intolerable. They both blame me for most of their troubles, saying that I’m controlling and manipulative and make them feel like crap. My youngest has recently been insisting that I leave, go away somewhere so I can get perspective and change. I started seeing a DBT therapist after my 16 year old came out of residential, so I could learn the skills, speak the same language and make whatever changes I could make on my end to improve things. My husband does not agree with this. DBT therapist doesn’t think I need this or advise this. He says I am the lightning rod, not the lightning. He feels that the best thing I can do for myself is try to get my life back, go back to full time work, find support, etc while navigating this rough terrain and getting better at not getting sucked into the chaos, not making things worse by reacting in unhelpful ways, which has been my greatest weakness.  I recognize that I have tried too hard to control what I can not control, that my efforts to set limits/reign them in have backfired - that my simply holding them accountable feels to them as if I’m screaming at them, that they hear it that way because they already loathe themselves snd know that they are living against their values - however little they may be aware of what those are. Our ‘family’ as a unit feels like it’s in ruins, they stay up all night and sleep all day to avoid interacting with us until time for work or friends, refuse to eat or do things with us - I am incredibly sad about this reality. Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FindElaine]

I am so sorry that you are living this. I too have tried anything and everything and my daughter now does not talk to me and believes my husband and I are the cause of her issues.  She went to college, dropped out and moved to be with an older man.  I really hope she can find peace and be happy.  I want to "do" something but I have finally resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can "do".  I am going to have to let her make her own mistakes and live with the consequences.  All I know is that I lost myself along the way and almost the rest of the family also.  My son started to use weed and my husband is super frustrated.  I moved my focus to my son to the point where I became so frustrated with him.  I finally realized that I just need to let go and focus on myself.  I said to my son - I need a break and I need to focus on myself.  You know the boundaries and the consequences so you make your own decisions.  "You do you and I will do me" (to use his words).  It is harder to let go of my BPD daughter as I am so sad but in walking on eggshells there was a lighthouse analogy that talked about how you cant make a boat that is on a destructive course come to the lighthouse that you can only be the best lighthouse you can be.  So that is what I am trying to work on.  Get myself back to healthy while being there for my daughter if she chooses to come back.  I hope you can take some time for yourself as only your daughters can choose to fix themselves - you can't do it for them.