New to the group-how do you stop rescuing or enabling?

[fit-happens]

I am new to the group and wanted to say hi.  I am really struggling with my adult daughter (24 years old).  Specifically I have a difficult time not rescuing her from her bad decisions.  I am in therapy which has helped tremendously. I was not this way when she was growing up.  Her mental illness reared its ugly head when she went away to college and especially after she was sexually assaulted.  After that, my "Momma Bear" instinct kicked in.  5 years later I realize that I have been enabling her and can't anymore if she is to grow.  Anyone else feel this way?  How have you handled this?  Thank you all!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ILMBPDC]

Look into codependent's anonymous or other codependency specific therapy to help set boundaries and detach.
I am lucky that my daughter wBPD and I are in a very good place and I have learned to detach from her emotional swings. On the other hand, with my exBF wBPD I was the epitome of codependency and have been working on that. (I'm actually really codependent in romantic relationships but not in familial ones, go figure.)

[pursuingJoy]

Be gentle with yourself. A child breaking away from the mom and the family system is something that happens over time. It's not linear, or immediate, nor is it the same for each child and parent. You endured trauma with her and it's understandable that there were setbacks. You're getting back on the right track now.

I've not pursued codependents anonymous but I hear it's incredible!

Pick one thing to focus on at a time. Is there something you're currently working on? An incident that came up, and you're wrestling with your response?

[fit-happens]

Thank you for responding.  I do go to CODA however the recover in my area isn't that good.  I actually started going to Naranon (she smoke weed heavily) and found it to be incredibly helpful.  I also just found a book Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.  I hope that it will help.   

[Only Human]

I also just found a book Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children by Allison Bottke.  I hope that it will help.   

Thanks for this. My area is also pretty lame when it comes to CODA meetings. Like, the first Monday of every month in a remote area kind of thing. I find that meetings that are held so infrequently have difficulty in retaining membership so it's a different group every time.

I did Al-Anon when my kids were small as their dad was an addict and I found it very helpful. That's where I learned about my codependency.

Anyone else feel this way?  How have you handled this?

Yep! I'm still trying to figure out how to "handle it." When my DD and I were in therapy together, we agreed that I would resist rescuing and wait for my DD to ask for help. I did my best and rescued way less frequently. My DD never asked for help in a way that I interpreted it as asking for help. For example, she wouldn't say, "Can you help me figure out how to find a therapist?" She would say, "I can't find a therapist who isn't a hater of BPD people..." and then go on and on. I would validate, "Oh man, that's gotta be tough. Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to work with that person after they said that," etc. A week later, she would rage at me for not responding to her request for help. This is despite our therapist explaining that a request must be explicit and that I was to butt out unless asked specifically.

I tried a different tactic..."Oh man, that's hard. Let me know if there's any way I can help." Nothing.

Another tactic, "Oh man, that's hard. Do you want me to help?" Sometimes she'd say, "No! I just want to vent/complain! There you go again, ugh." Sometimes she'd say, "Yes, please!" and I'd ask what I can do. The response, "I DON'T KNOW! Never mind, bye!"

Most recently, I thought we were getting somewhere. She called and said she didn't know how to go about getting her son registered for school. She actually said, "I'm asking you for help." Instead of asking, "how can I help?" I asked, "Would you like me to look it up on the internet?" I don't know how that's different from rescuing, maybe because I didn't just send her a link or whatever. But I felt like she asked for help and I helped.

Anyway, this has been my experience.

What does rescuing your daughter look like in your experience?

I'm glad you're here. I find little nuggets of things in everyone's posts that help me.

~ OH