My daughter withholds the grandkids

[Wind Wind]

Hello
I was on here before and forgot my password and user name.. So Im wind wind today and hope to be able to get some help.. Or perhaps an ear. My daughter is withholding my grandkids. I have not seem them all summer.. Supposed to see hem week 20th. She wont talk to me and frankly i dont want any more drama. wHEN i SEE T HE  kids on facetime with my ex son in law they are so afraid.. This is breaking myheart. I want to be a safe place for them.. I do not want to get into anything with my daughter. She is unkind and rude to me infront of the children.. i do pray it will change. I asked the Lord to change me last yr and I am.. I dont care to be around her when she says something i dont like i just say ok. Ive lost any desire to fight to be with her for holidays but so so want to be in th e kids lives..
Help. tu for listening
Wind wind

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi Wind Wind,
My husband and I are also cut off from the grandkids (my stepgrandkids).  There are lots of threads on this topic, it is actually discussed like once a week here.  Search around if you don't get a reply to your thread, you might feel better reading the others and knowing that you're not alone.

I think this should actually be in the DSM as one criteria.  Does your suspected BPD withold their children from others, aka using kids as a weapon?  If they have children.  Second question: is this a pattern with more than one person in their life not getting to see their kid(s)?

I would score this higher on the BPD criteria list than say "do they threaten suicide" because personally, the two people in my family I know with BPD or suspected BPD have never threatened suicide but both have withheld the grandkids.  I was actually one of those grandkids (mom is BPD) that didn't see my grandma for many years, ending when I was around 8.  BTW, I turned out fine and my mom never did brainwash me against her.  My grandma was my favorite relative, so maybe she made up for the crappy way my BPD mom treated me.
b

[Only Human]

Welcome back Wind Wind 

I'm a recent returnee myself and your post spoke to me. I have one grandchild, my GS will be 7 next month and, until recently, he spent every Friday night at my house and I returned him late afternoon on Saturday.

This is breaking myheart. I want to be a safe place for them.

Boy, do I feel this. My DD is not always kind to my GS and I'd heard that "one positive person in a kid's life can make a difference," so really did my level best to be that person for my GS. That ended almost two weeks ago. I'm so sad about it and so worried for my GS.

You say you're scheduled to see them the week of the 20th. How did that plan come about? Will you see them with your daughter? Your ex SIL?

 

I was actually one of those grandkids (mom is BPD) that didn't see my grandma for many years, ending when I was around 8.  BTW, I turned out fine and my mom never did brainwash me against her.  My grandma was my favorite relative, so maybe she made up for the crappy way my BPD mom treated me.

This is all too familiar. I am your grandma right now. I'm so glad you had someone like her in your life. Unfortunately, I don't hold out any hope that my DD is not brainwashing my GS against me. I can't imagine what he's being told about why he's not coming on Fridays anymore.

Grandchildren being withheld from grandparents is a real heartbreak for everyone and I wish us all peace and hope as we move forward.

Thank you for sharing your stories; it does help to know I'm not alone. Still sucks, though.

~ OH