Listening with BPD.

[mssalty]

I’m not sure if it’s a BPD thing or just a distraction thing, but my SO seems to not want to let me complete my sentences or to jump to conclusions about what I’m saying before I completely express myself.   

Is there a good way to say “please hold on and listen to what I”m saying completely and allow me to clarify before you jump to conclusions about what I’m saying or haven’t said?” 

Even innocuous conversations can go sideways because intent is assumed or words I’ve said are missed.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Truly an issue I’ve dealt with too. I’ve thought my husband is too impatient to let me finish, or that he thinks he knows what I’m going to say.

I’ve tried a variety of approaches. Tried being the operative word. Sometimes they’ve been successful.

*“So what is it that you think I’m going to say?” Then I can validate what he got right and fill in what he missed. (Don’t want to say *got wrong*  . )

*Sometimes I’ll just quit talking. He will either ignore it or ask what I was going to say.

*Low volume talking. (Remember the Seinfeld episode with the “low talker”?)

[mitten]

I can totally relate!  Just this morning I was trying to tell my UBPD wife something that required a little setup/background, and she told me I needed to be more concise in my storytelling... within 10 seconds of me starting the "story"...  I responded by saying "I think you need to work on your listening skills".  Obviously this is not the right way to respond to a person with BPD, but I went for it because it felt good haha.  She playfully talked back a little bit and then we moved on with our day. 

I like Cat Familiar's suggestion of just quit talking.  I've done this before when it's clear she isn't listening- I'll simply stop talking mid-sentence, and then that abrupt silence will sometimes get their attention.  But really, I think they are probably too worried/anxious about their own feelings to have time/patience to care about ours. 

I think the text book response (correct me if I'm wrong), is to say "When I'm talking I would like to be heard without being interrupted". 

[once removed]

Is there a good way to say “please hold on and listen to what I”m saying completely and allow me to clarify before you jump to conclusions about what I’m saying or haven’t said?”

have you tried this? what was the result?

is there a theme, so to speak, or type of conversation where this occurs most frequently?

[ThanksForPlaying]

Keep in mind that the nature of BPD often makes long conversations impossible.  Sometimes the gaslighting and mis-remembering and re-framing happens so quickly that they already have a totally different "memory" of what was just said earlier in the same conversation.  Your mileage may vary - some pwBPD are capable of more or less deep, meaningful conversations.  It depends.

This is why frameworks like SET and BIFF are sometimes effective - because they keep things short and focused.  Your "problem" may indeed be that you need to be more concise - exactly what the pwBPD is telling you.  This isn't a problem for most people, but they may be correct that it's a problem for them, and they aren't likely to change.

There are two parts to the "solution":
1) how to get pwBPD to listen longer and stay focused
2) how to talk less and get the point across quicker

You may come to the conclusion that you can't accept living with someone who is not capable of anything deeper than SET statements.  It's good to work on the problem, but just be aware that sometimes there's not much to work with.

[AaZz]

Sometimes the gaslighting and mis-remembering and re-framing happens so quickly that they already have a totally different "memory" of what was just said earlier in the same conversation.

It is truly scary how identical other people’s stories are here.  It’s not me? I’m not crazy? I’m not crazy?
“Praise God” and “dear God have mercy” all at the same time.

[OurHome]

It’s the mis-remembering and re-framing that do me in. I never know where to go from there. If I counter with ‘that’s not how I recall the situation/my response’ it just turns into a ‘did not/did too’ shuffle between us. If I use the ‘let’s agree to disagree’ it’s me still ‘always having to be right’. When I try the ‘let’s just say that’s what happened’ approach, either it becomes open season (on me) or ‘I’m always right’ and controlling, wanting only for him to be a ‘yes man’ and for him to ‘say he’s sorry’ for everything.
Exhausting. Especially when things go from good or ok to horrible in a blink, with what feels like no way to stop the tailspin.Even when the situation still feels salvageable, you're fairly certain it’s going to tank regardless of the approach you select.

[johnsang]

I can relate to all of the above, but we also have the opposite in our household that my husband with BPD does not tolerate "interruption" - and has the ability to talk, and talk, and talk and talk for a VERY long time.

This comes back to previous posts I've made of him feeling like his voice is not often heard - but there is a lot of voice to hear