BPD Partner 6 Months Pregnant

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Long story short (below), my BPD partner is 6 months pregnant and she is coming out of a horrendous 3 month rage-filled depression. I thought it was bad before, but her rage was so constant and intense that she had 3-4 threatened miscarriages. I had to record her saying she wouldn't name me as the father of the baby even though it was mine (too bad I didn't record the death threats). After upping her B12 and Folate, she is mostly calm and normal, but the episodes always come back. I don't see how I can continue the relationship with a child in the house, much less be happy and trust her, and am struggling to figure out next steps. My rights as a father are limited as well. She's receiving treatment for the BPD symptoms, but hasn't received an official diagnosis of BPD and NPD and I'm 100% sure she has it. She will still exhibit nearly all symptoms of BPD, but she has more clarity now (it has been 1 week) and attempts to control her emotions. She is finally taking responsibility. I'm starting with consulting a therapist, then an attorney. I'm looking for advice on how to get through the birth, separate from her (it will be tremendously difficult to move her out of my house) unless a drastic, consistent change happens and still be able to see my son.

Background:

I met a woman one year ago and we fell in love within days. It was like a dream. After about 3-4 weeks, the criticisms started coming, then the rage. I was constantly on eggshells and it didn't improve. I didn't understand and she continuously told me she had "trauma" (terribly abusive and neglectful childhood) and has been through 6 years of therapy. I read, did research, spoke to her therapist and there were still so many questions I still had. Every single week there was a huge crisis that lasted for days. She could only be either up or down. She had no empathy for what I was going through. Everything and everyone was in black and white. Why.

Fast forward 6 months and the same patterns of abuse, rage, threats (death threats on occasion) and criticisms are still there, but before we could split she got pregnant. She moved in and things descended into chaos as her depression severely deepened. I was led to believe she would be triggered less as our relationship endured and we would eventually hit our stride again. I was so incredibly wrong, but after consulting a therapist, I started researching BPD and it all made sense. I met Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of BPD, in 2019 when I dated her niece and my time with Marsha was my only exposure to this disorder. This sequence of events is odd to say the least.

[FrontRange]

Long story short (below), my BPD partner is 6 months pregnant and she is coming out of a horrendous 3 month rage-filled depression. I thought it was bad before, but her rage was so constant and intense that she had 3-4 threatened miscarriages. I had to record her saying she wouldn't name me as the father of the baby even though it was mine (too bad I didn't record the death threats). After upping her B12 and Folate, she is mostly calm and normal, but the episodes always come back. I don't see how I can continue the relationship with a child in the house, much less be happy and trust her, and am struggling to figure out next steps. My rights as a father are limited as well. She's receiving treatment for the BPD symptoms, but hasn't received an official diagnosis of BPD and NPD and I'm 100% sure she has it. She will still exhibit nearly all symptoms of BPD, but she has more clarity now (it has been 1 week) and attempts to control her emotions. She is finally taking responsibility. I'm starting with consulting a therapist, then an attorney. I'm looking for advice on how to get through the birth, separate from her (it will be tremendously difficult to move her out of my house) unless a drastic, consistent change happens and still be able to see my son.

Background:

I met a woman one year ago and we fell in love within days. It was like a dream. After about 3-4 weeks, the criticisms started coming, then the rage. I was constantly on eggshells and it didn't improve. I didn't understand and she continuously told me she had "trauma" (terribly abusive and neglectful childhood) and has been through 6 years of therapy. I read, did research, spoke to her therapist and there were still so many questions I still had. Every single week there was a huge crisis that lasted for days. She could only be either up or down. She had no empathy for what I was going through. Everything and everyone was in black and white. Why.

Fast forward 6 months and the same patterns of abuse, rage, threats (death threats on occasion) and criticisms are still there, but before we could split she got pregnant. She moved in and things descended into chaos as her depression severely deepened. I was led to believe she would be triggered less as our relationship endured and we would eventually hit our stride again. I was so incredibly wrong, but after consulting a therapist, I started researching BPD and it all made sense. I met Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of BPD, in 2019 when I dated her niece and my time with Marsha was my only exposure to this disorder. This sequence of events is odd to say the least.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I also have a BPD partner who is 6 months pregnant.  I've also heard abortion threats.  She seems to realize the threat is no longer credible as the pregnancy progresses, so she buys herself more time to use the threat by researching other states where she "could" still have an abortion.  Also miscarriage threats.  Every time she rages because of something "stupid" I've said or done, she says I'm causing stress to the baby and it will probably result in a miscarriage.  She actually does have high blood pressure now, possibly from constantly raging at the world.  She was complaining about the receptionist at the doctor's office when she found out about the high blood pressure.  Naming the baby is also a huge point of rage and contention.  She wants to use her last name (which is customary only if the father is not named on the birth certificate).  She says she will change the name of the baby to my name only if we get married, which she does not want to do "right now".  So it's a classic no-win situation.  She is currently out of the house doing who-knows-what because she "can't stand to be around me" right now, raging at me via text that she should be on bed rest, but I forced her to leave the house because I'm so irritating.  She says all of this is caused by pregnancy hormones, but it's really not.  This has been going on for years, and pregnancy didn't change anything.  In some ways, the raging is actually LESS since pregnancy, since she mostly stopped drinking.  She still drinks occasionally, for no other reason than because she knows it's not "allowed". 

[ThanksForPlaying]

Text messages I received today:
"You are keeping my blood pressure high by being a s***ty person. I'll be sure to let the doctor know."
"Are your stupid jokes worth everything that's important to you? I really can't believe you're acting this way this is insane"
"I can't come home if it's going to be stressful"
"It will be stressful for me to come home knowing that you think you're right in the situation I can't allow you to treat me this way"

I haven't responded to any of these.  This is a "situation" created out of nothing.  We went to her doctor's appointment, and they said she had high blood pressure.  On the way home, I made a completely unrelated "dad joke" - just some silly pun that was kind of goofy.  I don't even remember what I said.  She said it was a stupid joke, and it was stressing her out, and probably my jokes were the cause of her high blood pressure, and I should shut up and stop joking because it is killing the baby.  You can see where this is going... escalating into rage.  I think she was obviously stressed about the doctor's appointment.  She was "mad" at the receptionist for being mean to her as we left the office.  And it translated into raging at me - it would have happened no matter what I said - if not a "dad joke" then it would have been something else.

She left the house raging and now can't come back with me "acting this way" and "treating her this way".  I'm not acting any kind of way.  I've been calm all day - walked the dogs and working at the house.  I didn't even say anything to her when she left - I was quiet and calm in the other room when I heard the door slam on her way out.

Let's analyze the situation from these messages:
1) I have made "stupid jokes"
2) These jokes will possibly cost me "everything that is important to me"
3) I should never again treat people in this way of "telling stupid jokes"
4) It is "insane" that I don't see the harm I'm doing to others with my "jokes"
One of the jokes I told on the way home was "If you're American when you go into the bathroom, what are you while you're in there?  European".  This joke has led to a crisis of epic proportions.

Anyway, sorry to hijack your thread.  This is just what I'm dealing with 6 months into pregnancy.  This is just today's rage - I'm sure there will be another one tomorrow.

[ForeverDad]

Even if you're pretty sure the child is yours, it is smart to have a DNA test to confirm paternity.

Not all pwBPD have affairs or quickly jump from relationship to relationship, but it is a known behavior for many.

[FrontRange]

@Thanksforplaying I've heard a lot of these. This sounds oddly familiar. Lots of abortion threats in the past, but not necessarily going across state lines. The everyday rage, irritation and inability to be around me lasted for months. It was quite unreal. She also blames pregnancy, but this has been going on the whole time. Best of luck my friend. It's a no-win.

[EZEarache]

So we have a 14 month old baby now. I was very reluctant to be a dad and that didn't help my situation during pregnancy. However, we did have some serious fights during that time. I was in the opposite situation from you guys, where I was living in her house. So our fights involved me getting fed up, and feeling like I needed to move out. I even packed my bags in one case, but decided I just couldn't leave her. We agreed to couples therapy and went to one session. Then Covid hit, the therapist cancelled our session and we never heard from her again. So it was us against the world with no support from family or friends.

Abortion was discussed when we first found out we were pregnant. I decided to stick by my decision to raise a baby. But there was a ton of fighting about my hurtful comment, "I feel like I was diagnosed with cancer." I heard about this at least once a week for the duration of the pregnancy and 9 months after.

My situation was also different, because it was also a planned pregnancy. I thought agreeing to have a baby would end the fighting since it seemed like that was mostly what we argued about. Once the baby was born and the exwBPD went back to work, things really started going off the rails. I became very depressed and suicidal.

After about 6 months and more failed couples therapy, the police became involved. It was a particularly bad fight, she was railing at me about being suicidal, and was wrestling me to stop me from leaving. With our issues on the public record, I inevitably had to move out. About a month after I moved out I received berating texts because the baby rolled off her, bed and banged his head. She was yelling at me about how I should have just said I wanted an abortion if I was just going to leave. Just so you know, the abortion comment threats might never completely go away. It was even more hurtful in this context than while she was pregnant. (And also totally illogical)

My best advice is work on your validation. I wish I had known about this technique during pregnancy, we might have been able to save the relationship. Validation is the opposite of what you really want to do when you're getting screamed at, but it works. Then of course don't get yourself in circular arguments by JADEing.

I may have been a reluctant father, but today, I love this kid soo much. This baby will change your life for the positive. The first 9 months were really difficult. However, when my beautiful boy and I are alone together I'm glad I made the decision I did. Now that he's older and able to give back it makes it all worth while.