BPD Husband Keeps Splitting/Threatening Divorce

[mmhcsh]

Hello All,

Reaching out today because I'm struggling to figure out what to do. My husband has been tentatively diagnosed with BPD after a long road of ups/downs over the 8 years we've been married. He vacillates between being a loving partner that "idealizes" me to being an angry tyrant who "hates" me and "never loved me". Recently his BPD flared up the worst it's ever been and he had 2 panic attacks, threatend to kill himself, was being completely erratic and angry and unreasonable (as they often are during an episode). I ended up having to call a couple of his close friends to attempt to calm him down, the police to get advice/have a welfare check at the home and I left the home for 2 weeks due to his escalating behavior and physical violence (threw things, stuck a gun in his mouth, etc). I didn't know how to handle the situation and am not sure if what I did was best or not in retrospect, but I can't blame myself for not knowing. Coming down from his episode, my husband realized the weight of what he had done and started looking into psychiatric help for himself. He fluctuates between being aware of his BPD and how it wrecks our lives/how he really damages his own life...and thinking that everything is my fault, how he's "unhappy" because of me, etc (splitting, etc). Anyway, I came home after his commitment to getting help, with the advice of my therapist. Things were going well for about a week and we had a good dinner/date night to discuss his progress and plans. He was the typical loving husband and partner during this time. The next day he woke up and seemed "ready to be triggered", escalating in anger throughout the day to the point that he started screaming about how I've betrayed him (by our friends knowing he needs help) and how he will never forgive me, how he doesn't love me, and how he wants a divorce. Granted, he's threatened divorce many times in our marriage, but I didn't know how to approach it or deal with it before now (his tentative BPD is a very recent diagnosis). However, he's completely gone off the rails, will barely speak to me (when he does, it's only to be condescending to me), he's taken off his wedding ring (again...) and has filled out divorce paperwork. I'm currently sleeping in the spare room, but have considered moving out again. I just don't want to "do the wrong thing" here. He says he doesn't care what happens to me, etc. I think he may mean it this time, the divorce that is.  He is currently blaming me, saying my "anxiety and control" of him is what caused this, and he's done with it. To make things more difficult, we are in the process of buying a new home, renting our current one AND I'm pregnant with our first child, due in 3 months. I don't know if I would have ever attempted to have a child with him if I knew things were going to get worse over the years.
Since his episode flare-up 2 nights ago, he's decided it's no longer his issue, but mine, and isn't pursuing psychiatric evaluation right now. I don't know how "long" this episode will last, or if he will see reason again. I was so hopeful until 2 nights ago, with how much progress he was making and how open he seemed to wanting to change and heal.
All I've ever hoped for is reconcilliation and a "stable" family to raise my son in. In the past he's had episodes but I never knew what to call them or how to address them. Now that I have some insight I feel hopeless. I'm terrified of staying with a husband that doesn't get help; I'm just as terrified trying to be a single mother and raising my son on my own...while dealing with an ex that won't seek help for his BPD.
Any advice? Or just words of encouragement? I'm in the middle of transitioning to a new therapist, so I also am trying to fill them all in on our issues.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you have found us and so sorry that you appear to need us.

Wow...uggg, what a lot on your plate.

Is there any chance to stick with the same therapist for a while or you have to switch?

Is the child involved just yours or is the pwBPD the father?  Does the child live with you full time?

Regarding all the antics around divorce...no ring, paperwork, threats...all that.  The less you "bite" on this the better.  What do the divorce talks look and sound like now?  From there we can advise you on how to bring down the "temperature".

Will check back soon for your reply.

Best,

FF

[mmhcsh]

Dear FF,

Thanks so much for your response! The child involved is not yet born (due December 2021) but is the biological offspring of both me and my husband (BPD father).

I do have the option to stick with my current therapist, and I really enjoy her, but she's not exactly always helpful in these situations/doesn't have a lot of experience in this area and it's hard for her to give advice in these cases.

In terms of the divorce talks...there isn't much talk right now to be honest. Mostly because my husband won't speak to me. I did talk briefly about giving him space/moving out/etc and he stated I could do what I wanted with "my own money". He's not yet submitted the divorce paperwork, but has it filled out and ready to go. I did ask if he would consider a period of separation before jumping straight to divorce and he said "yes", but that's about all he will say to me. He mostly ignores me when I attempt to speak with him...so I've limited myself to not saying much at all for the past 2 days now. I did acknowledge that I will continue to work on my own self during this time and that I won't play into antics by begging or pleading with him...even though I want to plead for things to be okay. I said I know I can't force him to stay married, but that I love him and I want us to be a family together. And that's about it. Tried to stay calm and not cry in front of him (which makes things worse because I'm being "manipulative"). I've done my best to "validate" his feelings/him (as I've read this is so important in BPD), but it's hard to always know what feelings to validate, since he won't talk, ya know?
I definitely want to "bring down" the temperature but need guidance on this

[formflier]

Are you and your T open with each other about the advice you are not getting or what you are looking for?  I'm thinking that perhaps your T can help you find a T with the right qualifications and experience.


Dealing with BPD is not a  beginners thing...so hopefully you can find someone with lots of experience and qualifications.

Note:  Entirely normal to go through several Ts to find the right "fit".  It's worth the effort.

Best,

FF

[Rev]

Are you and your T open with each other about the advice you are not getting or what you are looking for?  I'm thinking that perhaps your T can help you find a T with the right qualifications and experience.


Dealing with BPD is not a  beginners thing...so hopefully you can find someone with lots of experience and qualifications.

Note:  Entirely normal to go through several Ts to find the right "fit".  It's worth the effort.

Best,

FF

Hi all,

I am just wanting to echo what Form is saying here. Mood disorders are not a beginners thing at all. It is a specialty that requires a special touch because it is not a one size fits all.

It is not uncommon for therapists to limit the number of such cases they will take in their case load precisely because they need the space and energy to properly invest in the care.

So I would highly encourage your to stand firm with your needs and, yes, perhaps use this T to help you build up enough self awareness to search for the right fit.

Hang in there.  You have a big heart. It comes across in your writing.

And... welcome to this community. There's a wealth of experience here.

Rev