How to move forward

[Madumps]

Our son is 32 in 2 weeks, and has not spoken to us in almost 9 years. I am not certain if he has BPD but feel his actions speak volumes. I have reached out numerous times, to try and reconnect, but receive horrible emails, letters, hate mail and untrue accusations.  Our daughter is getting married on our property and has told him he can't  attend unless he begins to talk to us. This process started in April and now the wedding is 4 weeks away. Last night she told him, it was best he not attend the wedding. This was followed by bullying by him, telling her he hopes she sees what kind of parents we are. How could she listen to this. No matter what I do or say or what I don't say I am accused of horrible things.  He recently wrote an email stating we were not enemies, but we were no longer family. That we could be polite just for the wedding for his sisters sake. This was another heart wrenching comment. I feel sick, alone and constantly judged or blamed. I feel at a loss for words and often judge myself and question where things went so wrong.  It breaks my heart that I have tried everything for remedy our broken family. I try to be strong but hurt so much inside.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Sounds as though he was not-too-nice for your daughter to say it was better that he didn't attend!

It does sound like BPD - the blaming, recounting things that are totally untrue as if they are fact.

The title 'Borderline' I think comes from the observation that the person is on the 'border' of reality and the fantasy. My BPD dd tells people extraordinary things about me etc - none of which is true. You will read the same in many posts here - one of the best things for me coming here is knowing that so many people are experiencing the same thing with their loved one.

The other thing is that we all know the grief that we hold in our hearts, because in so many ways we lose our child to BPD in one way or another.

It would be wonderful to think it is possible for your son to turn up on the wedding day and you could have a wonderful family day. On the other hand, it could go terribly wrong.

BPD folk find it hard when they are not the centre of attention - and the reaction can be seriously bad!

It would be lovely if your son could attend. It is also a pretty big risk that he would somehow spoil your daughter's special day.

I think if your daughter has said it would be better if he did not attend then I would respect her decision. The situation with your son is ongoing (sometimes borderline symptoms improve in the thirties and your son is just in this age group: things might get better in the next few years) and it has been all these years since you saw him.

It would be such a risk in my opinion, him turning up for the wedding.

Ps My sister is BPD and she flew overseas to be there for her daughter's wedding. My niece and her husband had a 'repeat' wedding vows etc about 12 months later because my sister had ruined the wedding!