First Stages of Seperation

[MsCamper]

After my husband has declined any assistance or therapy with his BPD and a steady decline in our relationship, I asked for a separation. My grandest hope would this might put into perspective that he cannot concur this alone and that it has put the ultimate strain on our relationship. Over the past months I have been cheated on, told not to speak to him for days at a time, had no physical contact, been called a rainbow of names and my feelings stepped on when I made any attempt to share how these things were impacting my emotionally. I had not seem the man I fell in love with for several months, only his BPD counter personality. When I asked for the separation I was surprised to see his kinder self appear and it took everything I had to keep myself together and maintain this decision. It was short lived though. Within a couple of hours it went from taking the time to heal to me forcing him to be homeless. He has moved back with his parents until he can locate an apartment. The names started again, the lack of a desire to touch me was pointed out in detail (again), how all of this was mostly my fault for not trying harder, etc.
He stated he wanted to proceed with a divorce versus the separation. I knew this was a risk I was taking when asking for the separation but I also knew I could not continue to live in such a negative space for either myself or our family. I agreed to the divorce and the next day sent him details pertaining to our state laws so we could move forward. His reply was one similar to him not saying he wanted a divorce, just something permanent, but being I went ahead to do the research then fine he will divorce me. I attempted to tell him I was confused as he never mentioned thinking about it but I was okay with taking some time and space to make that determination versus jumping into this so quickly. He stated again that he thought this was the best action and I agreed. (I was not going to beg someone to stay married to me.)
Since then he has started texting good mornings and checking in with me during the day. He sends me good night messages and then reaches out again the next morning. I feel like a freaking yo-yo at this point. I have not pushed more on if this is a divorce situation or a separation.
I do not know which version of him to look at when we are having these discussions or which to expect to hear from each day. I am polite in my responses and do respond but at the same time want to know what direction we are going. How long do I let this go on before starting to make small pushes towards an answer? I can say, if he wants a separation we have big conversations to have concerning how he approaches his condition along with what a separation will be defined as and if he wants a divorce, the concepts of talking to him as if he is a friend is really just too hard. .What he does not seem to realize is that I am really just barely hanging on myself.

[Cat Familiar]

Many people with BPD are quick to make pronouncements, but slow to follow through with action.

Perhaps your best strategy is to consider this a *trial separation* and then see for yourself what path you want to pursue in the future.

It’s completely part of the BPD playbook when a partner distances themself, to return to the good behavior to lure their estranged loved one back in. How long that good behavior lasts is in question.

You seem to have handled this situation well. Right now, rather than worrying about decisions, how would just thinking of this as a time to regain your bearings and heal feel?

[MsCamper]

Cat Familiar,

I am trying to do just that. I thought that silence would be the first reaction and had planned to just focus on myself during that period. The way he continues to up and down with me was not expected.

Taking it day by day. I have joined a new sporting team (I am awful at sports) and have lined up most of my next week with events to stay busy.

Just kinda got to handle the okay days and then the very not so good ones right now.

[Woolspinner2000]

MsCamper,

I am really sorry that you're going through this, but I am glad you are safe and working on healthy. It takes time; I speak from experience. Take all the time you need to work on the healing and self reflection. We're here whenever you need us to listen and support you.

Wools

[ForeverDad]

It’s completely part of the BPD playbook when a partner distances themself, to return to the good behavior to lure their estranged loved one back in. How long that good behavior lasts is in question.

It has been stated that the people closest to the pwBPD suffer the most from the exposure.  As in, it may be nice to stand out in the sun on Earth, but not on the planet Mercury.

Often the poor behavior do reduce when there is more distance between you, but that is not recovery.  Get back together and the push-pull cycle would resume.

All people are different, including pwBPD.  One might shut you out with silence, another might not.  That's part of the predictably unpredictable nature.

[Meganthompson]

I went through a divorce. More precisely, the annulment of marriage. I wrote an article - https://lawrina.com/blog/how-to-get-a-marriage-annulled/. The process of annulling a marriage is not as difficult as divorce, but it does have its own set of requirements. It was a difficult period for me.

[Tessarae]

MsCamper-

Know you are not alone. I wrote a post this morning so familiar and so similar. I have come to believe that only those who have tread this particular path can truly understand the experience.

When they are kind, it's almost impossible not to feel some relief. For a long time, those periods of peace and expressions of caring (during our separation) would result in questioning my decision (is there really NO way I could make this work- asked for the 200th time).

When they flip again to the 'other husband' one feels so vulnerable - the damage that can still be wrecked when all reason and compassion is gone.

My 'limbo' (separated but still under the guise of getting stability and space) lasted almost exactly one year. During that time I was able to get some financial affairs in order. And...to do some serious processing of raw grief. A month ago I finally had built the strength and clarity to tell tell him there could be no reconciliation and that the marriage was over. I committed to remaining a caring partner as we raised our children. It was amicable. He was compassionate and reasonable.

Until I triggered him last week...now emerges the 'other husband'. Refusal to speak. Berating and blaming me...for destroying the marriage, hurting the kids, refusing to work on my stuff...when he does. Demanding an additional night with the kids. It is scary.

It has taken a full year (tears and indescribable stress), but...the one tremendous comfort- I can now watch this play out from a distance. And the relief of this new reality is tremendous.

Sending you strength and sanity during this incredibly difficult time.