Hello

[StartingHealing]

I am new here.  I have been looking for a place where there are similar folks.  I need help with what I can do to help myself first.  Been a long time that I've had a place where I can speak (type) without fear of being wrong.  I hope that I can learn and also perhaps contribute to this space.

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome to the group, StartingHealing. It's pretty cool that you chose to introduce yourself on the "bettering a relationship" board, and also want to learn how to help yourself first. That's the exact mindset that WILL help you start to make things better. Not selfish at all, just "putting on your own oxygen mask first", as the airlines say.

This is a great place to relax, let go, and be honest about what's going on. No judgment, lots of understanding. Being afraid of always being wrong sounds paralyzing. I hope you find relief here among friends.

Share what's going on for you whenever works for you;

kells76

[StartingHealing]

Thanks kells76.

I guess I can start here.  This may turn into a long post.  Maybe grab a beverage?
 
 Been married for 24 years.  I'm sure that at the time I overlooked many red flags in the beginning of the relationship / marriage.  She had firm convictions and wasn't shy about her opinions.  The beginning was great as near as I can remember.  I have read that stress can mess with your memory. 

Some of the red flags was that her mother had been diagnosed with depression and had attempted suicide.  She also had a aunt (now passed) that had schizophrenia and in a care facility. 

We both had kids from prior marriages.  One each. 

Over time, it seems like she was attempting to consume me. Almost like she was attempting to force me to be open and divulge my innermost thoughts and feelings.  That's cool when the situation is such that it's safe to do, you know?  I learned real fast not to do since that can be held against me forever.  She's not a reader so I would be "teased" to a point where I would stop reading.  Friends, she can have them but I can't and heaven help me if there is any other female around.  Extreme jealousy from her.  And of course nothing is ever her fault or responsibility.  Even having jealousy towards me sometimes.

The creative editing of past events on her part, the emotional swings, the ongoing message that everything is my fault, manning up to some standard that she has that I don't know who could achieve, maybe a super hero?   

She's not totally to blame here.  I know that I have my issues as well.  Being adopted did leave some scars on me.  I've done what I could over the years working on those areas.  It's not like the adoptive family were deeply disturbed or anything. 

Have tried to get help for myself from professionals.  It turns into something about her.  The emotional over the top and how if she can get over (_____________) by herself then why do you need a professional to do that?  Some kind of man you are. What are you some kind of pansy?

Charges of infidelity, of not caring enough, of being shamed many times for what seemed like existing.  I would dress, oh business casual for us going out.  That wasn't right.  Dress relaxed, that wasn't right, wasn't right, wasn't right, How does what I wear reflect on her? 

Meanwhile, she can do no wrong.  She will say that she is sorry to others but in the 24 years, she has said it to me maybe a handful of times?  Yet, every single thing is someone or something else's fault.  Professional victim seems like. 

Another thing that I don't understand is how she can say that when she goes out by herself other people laugh at her.  This is something fairly newish. 

I'm totally for a 50/50 partnership yet that isn't what is at the moment.  Hasn't been that for a long long time.  I don't know if I will stay in the marriage or not.  It will depend on how things work out with me changing the way that I act / react to her disorder.

She can be sweet, kind, thoughtful and loving.  It seems like she pulls that out to keep me off balance.  There is no consistency. It seems to be better of late (couple of weeks) since I will not engage in her emotional hamstering  episodes.

After being whipped up on for so many years, I got wore down, lost the sense of who I am, if that makes any sense.   I knew that she probably had some disorder didn't know what style.  Yeah, walking on eggshells.  Not that it mattered since she would have a episode anyway.  Anger, verbal attacks, etc.

She's never been diagnosed from a professional.  Doubtful she ever will.  She is against any type of therapy.  Even a 12 step.

As my sense of me was eroding, and the walking on eggshells was / is happening the idea of intimacies with her left as well.  What I have gathered is that it's a common thing in couples where one has a disorder.  Hard to be vulnerable in that way when every thing you say or do can be held against you forever.  Next level performance stress.

In my original post I mentioned that I have to heal.  I've lost the person that I remember being.  Friendly, open, willing to share, he seems like a really good guy and I want to get him back.   I am open to learning how to navigate all this and to also get myself back.

StartingHealing