I’m new here. Looking for suport

[justme$]

I posted earlier today but can’t find it now.  I’ll try again.  My 35 yr. old daughter exhibits symptoms of bpd.  Our relationship is so strained I know now that I need to protect my mental health.  She has serious abandonment issues, blames me for everything  wrong in her life.  I have tried and tried to express to her my understanding of her pain.  I have tried and tried to reassure her and be there for her.  But it’s never enough,  never the right words.  Nothing I say or do helps.  I am in therapy and working on this.  But I still feel helpless and hopeless.  I hope that you all can help me to remain optimistic and to give me hope that it can get better. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I can hear the pain and frustration in your post justme$. It is something we all share here. Here people understand what it is like to be constantly blamed and denigrated by a person that we love and would give anything to help them be happy - or at least free of the intense emotional pain that they experience.

I can only tell you my personal experience - I think everyone's journey with BPD loved one is a bit different.

I think things changed for me when I realised that I can't do it for someone else. I had to step back emotionally - whereas I had been consumed with trying to 'fix it'.

I didn't step out of BPD dd's life - I just moved along side it. I decided 'greystone rock' was the best approach - because as you say, you can offer help, solutions, support - all of your emotional energy - and it's not taken up. I came to the conclusion that somehow to respond was just to be backed into a corner where I would end up exhausted and nothing change.

So I don't initiate conversation; I respond briefly when addressed.

Somehow the rants are getting less (though I hate to say that in case they start getting bad again!). Things are still awful, but very much improved on what they were.

I have to say that I did step out of this 'mode' once recently. DD came home with a car she had bought and it turned out it was out of registration time. She of course let fly, ranting at me, blaming and slamming her bedroom door - with a kick that put a crack in it. This hasn't happened for quite a while.

I was really angry, but kept silent.

Anyway she was in her room; I as still angry; so I picked up a plastic ice cream container and slammed it on the floor; picked it up and did it again.

I did this for about ten minutes. Her room is close and I knew she could hear. She went pretty quiet - and I felt much better.

No words; but I think she is a bit better again since then.

I think for things to get better you need to 'let go'. We can't do it for someone no matter how much we want to. You have started by getting help for yourself.

I hope you can 'let go'. One statement that I repeat a lot is 'To let go is to fear less and to love more'.

I love my BPD dd. She is very unwell and very difficult and all this has turned my life upside down. Only the people here I think truly understand what life with BPD is like. So I come here.

I hope you feel supported when you come here too.