Not sure what to do anymore - assistance needed

[Manic Miner]

Thanks a lot guys. A lot of food for thought, so much to process.

The way I see it: it was payback.
My father loved me and as much as she loved me, it wasn't about me. It was about her own pain. She thought : if he leaves me, he won't ever see our daughter again. Pay back. Plain and simple. For abandoning her. To this day, she still hates the man.
Thankfully, in the end, she had to accept the 50-50 arrangement.

I think you are spot on here. You just reminded me how every time she threatened to leave our home she always said "me and OUR D are leaving! She's going with me!" The emphasize on "our D" was very important. And it was always like that. I'm sure somewhere in her mind she's using D to blackmail me, maybe even subconsciously.
So it's quite possible that going 50/50 for her would mean that she's worthless, lesser mother also (50/50 means we are both equal, something she cannot comprehend - she's the mother after all). The sad truth, however, is that this has nothing to do with what's best for D herself, it's all about her ego/self-esteem clashing.
If we do go divorce route, I will for sure check what children psychologists think on this and have their opinion.

@Brooklyn1974 Thanks man, I appreciate your honest input, you shared hard truth in there. Seeing you are still managing your BPD relationship is very important for us who are struggling or ambivalent.

@livednlearned
Thanks for some words of wisdom. I'm also healing from my codependency. It's much better than year ago, but still long way ahead for me. Making even better boundaries for myself is so important. I was not only codep, but also think I spoiled my W very much with my enabling or catching her before a fall. Now it somehow turned back on me, as she got confidence that she can do whatever she pleases and still get away with it. And now that I set some boundaries, with me not being there catch her all the time, she's frustrated and think I don't care/abandoning her. However, I'm not sure if there's a way to go back from that while us still remaining together.

[Notwendy]

 I was not only codep, but also think I spoiled my W very much with my enabling or catching her before a fall. Now it somehow turned back on me, as she got confidence that she can do whatever she pleases and still get away with it. And now that I set some boundaries, with me not being there catch her all the time, she's frustrated and think I don't care/abandoning her. However, I'm not sure if there's a way to go back from that while us still remaining together.

On the other thread, ( the one about your D) I wrote about natural consequences. When we enable people, we take away their learning from them ( safe ones, we don't want them to injure themselves or others). If we look at enabling in this way, it doesn't sound so noble. Enabling is a way of managing our own feelings- we don't want to disappoint someone, enabling seems to make us feel like we are the good guy here but if we are taking away someone's learning from their behavior, that isn't in their best interest.

When we start acting on our boundaries, and decrease the enabling, it's unsettling for both people. Enabling was a way of managing feelings for both of you. You've changed the pattern and this is unsettling. That doesn't mean you have go back to it. You can choose that if you wish. If you go back to the same pattern, you will get the same dynamics. If you change your behavior- you might get a different dynamic- possibly the one you want, but it may not feel comfortable during the change as it's not your usual, familiar one. (even if you don't want the familiar one)

I observed this with my parents. BPD mother rarely, if ever,  experienced consequences for her behavior in our family. Dad enabled it, and we were expected to do this as well. It's understandable then, that she assumed her behaviors were acceptable in our family because they were. She could be verbally and emotionally abusive to us, and we'd still be there and comply with her. This worked for her. She has no motivation to change.

It was much later for me that I decided I didn't want to tolerate this and the result was anger and frustration on her part. I was uncomfortable with this too. I didn't want to be the "bad guy" to her, but by not having boundaries, I was allowing her to treat me poorly.

Once we do this, it's then on the other person to decide how they will respond. The first response is to escalate to bring the same comfortable patterns back, after all, it worked for them before. If someone only has a hammer as a tool, they will hammer everything.
If your wife values your relationship and is motivated to try to work with a counselor, she can do that. The two of you might learn new skills.

Or not, she might discard the relationship. It's a risk. However, you know that going back to the same patterns brings the same results. It's your choice to try something different.

[Protectourfamily]

Just remember the only way to win the game is to not play it.  

I think that is the main, if not only, rule I need to remember in order to survive.
DONT PLAY IT.
The second he starts a "downhill" trend on the roller coaster, I have to remember not to join his game.
Not to respond to his "when can you talk," "you never talk to me," "of course we have problems if we never talk" that all lead to endless days and sleepless nights of fruitless conversation. (That is the BEST case scenario. In other cases, it leads to rage and chaos ... abuse, locking me out, locking me in, yelling, locking the kids ... )
But if I don't PLAY the game, how do I disengage?
My T and my daughter's T have both said I need to send him "out" to calm down when he begins to rage. But how do I sidestep all his begging for explanations that lead nowhere and worse?

[Manic Miner]

I never thought I'd be there, but I feel very lonely and sad, with a hole in my stomach now that they have been gone for 1 month.

In my mind it's a state of confusion. Cognitively, I know what she did and how she made this separation hard and almost impossible to be worked on. But then again, since we, as a couple, don't have any real issues (affairs, drugs, alcohol, gambling, money, housing, school problems etc.), in my mind the solution is at the tip of our fingertips. My mind still cannot comprehend that someone would rather go away and make his/her life upside down than start working on the communication and acceptance.

She's literally pulling back every time I offer some resolution, whether that is more counseling, texting uplifting and funny content, offering to hike to heal our minds or to lunch together. She uses excuses or silence every time I offer something, never saying no directly, but doing nothing about it, except occasional "I'm grateful you offered that". Meanwhile, I accepted all good things that came from her end.

She says we are over, but postpones the lawyer appointments every time. Then blames me how I'm dissolving our family and how she never imagined she'd be like this after 23y of being together. Insisting how life is very hard for her now, while I'm having a time of my life in my own apt. (in reality, she's traveling to Barcelona for 4 day vacation while I'm staying home).

Her delusions on this and complete cognitive dissonance make me very sad and anxious. If I'd put this in one sentence it's like she'd like for us to be together by making it harder than ever to be together. I am not even sure what exactly does she want?

[Cat Familiar]

I doubt if she knows what exactly she wants. PwBPD are reactive, and she is reacting to how she is feeling in the moment. It’s not like she has a well thought out plan.

Perhaps she’s feeling that you are pursuing her with your *offers* and she feels uncomfortable, but is unwilling to look within to understand why she feels that way.

A month may seem like an eternity to you, but it is not much time to change longstanding patterns. I’m sorry you are feeling sad and lonely. Want to talk more about that?

[livednlearned]

in my mind the solution is at the tip of our fingertips.

This resonated with me a lot.

Do you think some of your messaging sounds to her like "do this or else." In other words, an ultimatum?

And if so, is there in fact an ultimatum?

It is not BPD sufferers alone who respond negatively to ultimatums. I wonder if she is afraid: "He is being nice, he also said I had to agree to conditions x, y and z. I'm scared of those things and feel confused so I have to keep away. We are stuck."

[Manic Miner]

I doubt if she knows what exactly she wants. PwBPD are reactive, and she is reacting to how she is feeling in the moment. It’s not like she has a well thought out plan.

I have learned that on these boards and helped me immensely. As deeply logical person, I have struggled with this for years. One of my biggest mistakes was when I thought we have reached an agreement, all seemed well explained and I have moved on to other stuff. But it never lasted long, as soon as some "glitch" or bad emotion stood out. Literally nothing was changed, but emotions did, so the plan(s) fell.

A month may seem like an eternity to you, but it is not much time to change longstanding patterns. I’m sorry you are feeling sad and lonely. Want to talk more about that?

Thank you.
Well, at first I was relieved I was out of drama, demands, and those overcooked emotions. Home was quiet but peaceful. I started taking care of myself, boundaries and well-being. Also of our apartment. We always shared house duties in the past. Ever since she got a job (and we are all working from home) she stopped doing any house work except laundry and wardrobe. Home was a mess, windows were dirty with tons of dust on the shelves, things scattered everywhere. I already mentioned in this thread a bike she borrowed from my friend and failed to clean and return for one full year.

She's a creative type that used to craft a lot in the past and made our home cozy and inspiring. I always loved that side of her. Well, she stopped doing that too.
So I started thinking, is she actually incapable of doing that now? Does high-functioning BPD mean she can perform at her job well, at the expense of everything else? It does seem so.

As days went by, home was getting cleaner and spotless, but felt more and more empty. While I still don't want drama in my life, I can get everything done using just a fraction of my energy, compared to late times when I was solely doing the work for all, I miss the side when there was 3 of us. When there was unity, talking and laughter in our home. I play music, but it's otherwise dead silent.
Even though I'm an introvert, solitude is not an issue for me, but this seems a bit too much, too soon. I also found many co-dep traits in myself, amplifying this even more.

So when you put everything in perspective, I'm only 42, but I currently feel old and in limbo, waiting for something. Will we be together or drift apart in divorce? If you asked me why is she still being at her parents and what is she waiting for? I'd leave you without answer - I'd love to know that myself. 'I hate you don't leave me' phrase is still in its full glory. I can still hear two contradictory statements enmeshed together at the same time.

[Manic Miner]

This resonated with me a lot. Do you think some of your messaging sounds to her like "do this or else." In other words, an ultimatum?

Not at all. Most of my messages seem easy going and super friendly. As an introvert I am much better with texting, as I can think and edit my words better. I'm using SET tool wherever I need to get something done. Actually, it can get very hard as I tend to get utterly selfish messages from the other side, while I cautiously choose every word to be on point, supportive and empathetic. That drains me as well.

And if so, is there in fact an ultimatum?
It is not BPD sufferers alone who respond negatively to ultimatums. I wonder if she is afraid: "He is being nice, he also said I had to agree to conditions x, y and z. I'm scared of those things and feel confused so I have to keep away. We are stuck."

I hear you. I did offer some conditions for her to return before, when we spoke on the phone (no texting), just to not lose my sanity with her "you're to blame and I'll be back to make more drama". But people here advised me not to.
Instead, I should work on my core boundaries, make adjustments where I can and accept the outcome as-is. So I did and stopped "conditioning" anything or using that kind of language.

But I didn't see it helped. Here's how my "offer" looks like: Hey, I understand you and I are both going through a lot and are drained. What do you say for us to recharge, go there for a day or two, see the nature, some historic medieval and Roman sites and clear our heads?

That's how I write. So far she didn't accept any. In the mean time, she offered to go on the beach with friends once. And I accepted, even though I had other plans that I cancelled. But it was important for us and I hoped it would mean something. Most of her writing is just few words, to show that she's hurt. Or wall of text explaining how "if we could we would, I don't appreciate her, nor care" etc.

There's nothing in her writings that suggest anything to be worked on. Any meaningful, practical change. It's always "we are done, but do you love me? Don't you dare quit your family, you ruthless man, but we are over!" That type of thing.

[Notwendy]

I think it's hard to know what she wants.

One model that helped me understand my BPD mother's perspective is the Karpman triangle. She sees things from victim perspective. So, it seems the only roles that others fit in relation to her are persecutor or rescuer. If one isn't rescuer, then they must be persecutor, hurting her for some reason ( in her thinking ).

When someone is in victim perspective-they feel wronged and hurt, and so seem unaware of any hurt feelings to anyone else. If you come to her to explain that your feelings are hurt, she gets angry and even verbally cruel. The way I have understood this for myself is that - if she's in victim position, and you come to her with any kind of emotional need, this seems unfair to her.

Why would victim role be the preferred one? One possible explanation is that victim role absolves one of any accountability. You don't blame a victim. It's not their fault. I think this is the main secondary gain for this role. I think that emotionally, BPD mother feels she is being attacked, and if someone were attacking you, you'd fight back. So she sees her actions and words as justified.

How she happened to be this way, I don't know. I have wondered if she was abused as a child and might be replaying some kind of trauma but I have no proof or idea who may have done this if it were true. Her extended family members seem narcissistic to me, but they seem more functional than she is.

It does feel crazy making to be cast as the persecutor in her own mind, but I don't see any way to change this because, it's how she sees things. The only acceptable response to her is to simply obey her requests and stay quiet. Don't question her. Don't have expectations of her. I can manage this during short visits. I don't live with her. I think it would be difficult to do this long term.

Although there may not be the big serious issues in a marriage- cheating, abuse, addiction, a disorder in perception makes every day interactions feel crazy. Perhaps understanding a victim perspective will make communications clearer to you. It's helped me to not take the responses as personally and so be less reactive to her. However, with any emotional relationship, it's hard to be completely detached.

[Manic Miner]

Why would victim role be the preferred one? One possible explanation is that victim role absolves one of any accountability. You don't blame a victim. It's not their fault.
I have wondered if she was abused as a child and might be replaying some kind of trauma but I have no proof or idea who may have done this if it were true. Her extended family members seem narcissistic to me, but they seem more functional than she is.

Karpman triangle, good strategy. For years I felt my wife struggled with herself of wanting to be the greatest victim and greatest fighter. Brave women were always her role model that she admired, but lacked any introspection or insight to see that there was a huge gap in her thinking and actually becoming one.

Because her actions were always painted as -> VICTIM <- in its full glory, but acted out or wanting to be perceived as FIGHTER. Now, I don't want to say that she didn't endure a lot in pregnancy and afterwards, she was a fighter in many cases. But overall, up to this day, she could never shed that Victim skin off. Living with her parents now and being very close to them she is going backwards. They are the last people to get any life lessons from. Emotionally, they are at pre-teen level.

She developed disorder probably after neglect in childhood, maybe even abuse, as her father was alcoholic and her brother full of uncontrolled rage when they were younger. Their mother had many narcissistic traits as well without any self-esteem. Although they changed for the better over the years and are very kind grandparents to our D, emotionally there are on similar level.

Sadly, she's closest with them than ever before. There was a time when she fought with me over something that was her mother's responsibility. Yes, she'd rather go against me than be assertive to her, even as a grownup woman.
The older she becomes, the more I see MiL in her. Distress behaviour, facial expressions are almost exactly the same.

For years she expected me to be the Rescuer and she'd tilt between Victim & Prosecutor mode. She hated being the Rescuer for me.
Last time I injured myself after falling from el. scooter, she just wasn't there. She mocked me as I tended my wounds several times a day. One time she offered to attach a bandage for me and after it didn't stay in place, she lost temper and just left, no second attempts. In her eyes, I was annoying her as I required attention (though I tended everything myself), shifting the imaginary Victim spotlight from her.

Even on times when she was rude and violent, there I was apologizing for my own behavior and begging her to return. But ever since FOG cleared, I couldn't be the same rescuer anymore. Nor want to be in that role.

Although there may not be the big serious issues in a marriage- cheating, abuse, addiction, a disorder in perception makes every day interactions feel crazy. Perhaps understanding a victim perspective will make communications clearer to you. It's helped me to not take the responses as personally and so be less reactive to her. However, with any emotional relationship, it's hard to be completely detached.

Understood, thank you for your insight on how you managed your mother.
Sad but so true. That's how last couple of years felt being with my W. Even sadder that this seems to be it - this person cannot and won't change. It pains me to say, but I cannot be emotionally connected and honest anymore with someone that is disordered. I paid that invoice so many times. I overshared, always being completely honest with her. It backfired more than hundred of times. Some of my deepest struggles and thoughts that I shared were used later on to create drama and new distorted realities.
If I would to continue living with W, I'd have to develop and make all kinds of substitutes. To the point of asking - why do this?

However, with any emotional relationship, it's hard to be completely detached.

 

[Notwendy]

However, with any emotional relationship, it's hard to be completely detached.

There's a kind of grief that goes along with caring for someone and wishing the relationship was different. But somewhere, we need to extend some of that caring to ourselves and ask how much to ignore/endure for the sake of it. There is no one way answer and all involve some difficulty.

[livednlearned]

MM, I'm wondering if your wife might respond different if she saw you as the *original* MM, if that makes sense.

Were you different with her when you two met?

[Manic Miner]

MM, I'm wondering if your wife might respond different if she saw you as the *original* MM, if that makes sense.
Were you different with her when you two met?

When I meet with her I try to show the best of me. Meaning, I'm trying to be positive, cheerful, easy going. Show that I care. But not over the top or something I'm not. In a way, we should 'attract' each other when we meet - if we still have something in us for us, right?

But that's only on my end.

She, on the other hand, is worse in real life than during texting. Texting can hide a lot of emotions and emoticons can soothe something that is not present. When she meets me, she seems hurt, distant, annoyed and sarcastic - depending on the mood.

I even think that I am the trigger myself.

When in good mood she is okay-ish, but far from warm. If I say one wrong word that annoys her, she loses temper, starts talking louder or goes into denial mode like - I don't care what you think or what you do, I'm here for my daughter. The less you know about me the better - that sort of talk.
Then I go slowly to calm the storm, with occasional hugs. That helps, but only so temporary.

I think Marsha Linehan said that BPD is like having 3rd degree burns as your normal skin. And that's exactly what's it like.

[livednlearned]

I meant, when you initially met. How you were when you two first started dating.

It took me a while to realize that my ex had this belief I should be the way I was when we met. He wanted the non-injured LnL.

I'm certain if I was like that, we would've rekindled and gotten back together.

That turned out to be similar advice given on the Bettering board for partners who had been left by a pwBPD. To go back to being the confident, awesome person they were when they first started the relationship.

I don't know if it's possible in your situation, it's just an observation that some people (not just BPD) respond to magic wand land. For nonBPD people, it might take years but it seems that some pwBPD can get there more quickly.

You seem willing to want to repair things -- knowing that things may not change.

Curious to hear your thoughts.

[Manic Miner]

I meant, when you initially met. How you were when you two first started dating.
It took me a while to realize that my ex had this belief I should be the way I was when we met. He wanted the non-injured LnL.

Oh, we met 23 years ago, so that's hardly possible now.    But I get your point. I tried the best I could to be confident and kind.

You mentioned your ex. Well I wish W could return when we talked more nicely and she did have some responsibility on her behaviour and could apologize - that was around 3, 4 years ago. That's the point where it all went downhill for us.

You seem willing to want to repair things -- knowing that things may not change.  

I finally had a T session alone with a new therapist, as those of mine are still on vacation. He seemed very straightforward, frank and experienced. I explained to him the situation I'm in and he said the following:

• Our marriage is loaded with toxicity and is very hard to fix. Possible but hard. Therapy would last approx. 1-2 years with weekly to bi-monthly seeing.
• Current separation is healthy as it stopped drama and escalation. A healthy ground to work further.
• Was surprised that she never had any mood stabilizers in her meds before. I told him that nobody knew about mood swings except me.
• I'm the one that keeps the relationship going and the sole Rescuer, keeping the engine on.
• My boundaries are low and weak and my W is breaking them all the time, expecting to be rescued and cared for. Her theatrics and plays also come out of poor boundaries.
• W is stunted emotionally - he didn't want to mention BPD when I asked him, but said I'm "quite well educated on this"
• I should work on myself and stop thinking about her needs.
• She will do what she does and I cannot change that at all by myself.
• I have separation/abandoning issues as well - we didn't talk about my co-dep traits, I forgot to mention to him, but he sensed it. Told W and I are like a closed clamshell when together.
• Advised me DBT for myself to deal with current situation and will send me the lessons.

But most importantly, he said it's all about me now - I'm the one that is a caretaker here. I should contemplate what do I want from this marriage. It's all in my hands, whether to keep dealing with this or stop it entirely. Whatever I choose, it will require work and effort.

Oh well. At least I was happy that help and suggestions I got from you guys here were pretty much inline and in-sync with my new T counseling.  

[Manic Miner]

To share some updates:

- I'm doing DBT myself and feel much better, I like the approach of being semi-yoga (mindfulness, visualization, radical acceptance...), semi-psychology. Regarding what's better - my anger regulation, dealing with hopelessness, loneliness and unfairness. I stopped judging or making assumptions about people, esp. those that are irrelevant in my life. This all is still not quite from what I'd like but, for example, my anger starts and stops much faster, or sometimes doesn't start at all. I'm more calm, happy and mindful in my daily life.

- Even though it's much better than before, my W can still trigger my response when she does something out of the blue, manipulative, self-centered or just mean. It's a non issue if I can think in advance and just be ready for it. I'm in-line with myself completely when she does something irrational without drama, if there's a glitch of hope that she can be reasoned with. I handle those situations easily now.

- Some of her traits lately were narcissistic and T pointed out to me one time. For example, she will be very kind if I clap and praise about everything she does. Or if I show that I completely understand her in a compassionate way and hugging. But if that obvious show-me-I-am-good disappears, or if I show boundaries regarding my time, she's completely the opposite - manipulative, self-centered, returns to her past behaviours and want to punish me in some way. But if she needs a favour of some kind, all that sweetness comes back.

- Regarding us as a family, I feel worse. There was a brief crack of light that seemed better, uplifting and even promising that something could be built even with her disorder. I was focusing on me only and thought I finally hit a jackpot - I will fix myself for myself and it's the only person I can deal with to be better. I made boundaries, to be more in-sync with me, having more compassion for others and her as a result. We've gone hiking together with our D and had some fun on the river ourselves. She was way more kind, compassionate and honest. In fact for the first time in months I could open up a bit and not feel bad about sharing my thoughts, hopes and struggles. She did the same.
But, as always, that didn't last long. Now it's even worse than before. She wrote a wall of text regarding myself, being accused as a manipulator that magically changes shape and form from being a good guy to bad. Never in the slightest questioning herself in the process. All of this after I showed my boundary. I didn't raise my voice or anything, in fact, after the storm passed I showed that I care and want to move back to a healthy ground again. But she even secretly hid her privacy settings in a texting app so I couldn't see when she was there last time.

At this stage my hopes are all-time low. I will continue healing and fixing myself, that's not even a question, but I wonder about our relationship. It feels like building a house of cards on a breeze. You know, a tiny flow of air is enough to shatter everything back to the ground. And every time I pick those flat cards again, it's harder to find motivation to start again, questioning - is there any point doing this? Those brief feel-good moments look honest, genuine and promising, but I wonder are they a friend or a foe?

[15years]

The more you work on yourself, the weirder the relationship drama will feel. You create a new sense of normal, so the dysfunctional normal that developed between the two of you will feel more and more insane as time passes. Someone in a podcast explained this very well. The disordered individual returns to baseline after every dramatic episode. The non-disordered doesn't - every dramatic episode is added to the pile and the tolerance levels drops every time. At some point you don't need much before you react - it's like the quote "the straw that broke the camel's back".

In the worst case, it's not possible to be both healthy and in a relationship with her. We are not emotional robots. Sometimes when I'm successful at handling a situation with my wife, I get the sense that I'm some kind of emotional superhero. Later I get to realize I'm really not!

[Manic Miner]

The more you work on yourself, the weirder the relationship drama will feel. You create a new sense of normal, so the dysfunctional normal that developed between the two of you will feel more and more insane as time passes. Someone in a podcast explained this very well. The disordered individual returns to baseline after every dramatic episode. The non-disordered doesn't - every dramatic episode is added to the pile and the tolerance levels drops every time. At some point you don't need much before you react - it's like the quote "the straw that broke the camel's back".

That podcast is indeed on point, though my W gets lower tolerance levels as well. You'd think that having a job that W likes, where she excels at, combined with more sense of freedom and purpose, that she would feel calmer and more satisfied? Wrong!

The more responsibility she has, the more frustrated she feels and LESS normal she is.
I seriously hoped that something positive would happen, a tiny bulb would be lit above her head, but no. A simple misunderstanding was enough to pull everything we have sort of patched over the last couple of weeks, back to the mud.

She's so wrongly wired, I can now see that from afar. Stuff that should make her move, uplifted and encouraged actually make her more frustrated. Stuff that she should be proud and relieved make her jealous, envious. All positive vibes the life gives she interprets as obligations and worries. Or just fails to receive the goodness of the moment.
She is stuck and running in circles, wasting so much energy.

In the worst case, it's not possible to be both healthy and in a relationship with her. We are not emotional robots. Sometimes when I'm successful at handling a situation with my wife, I get the sense that I'm some kind of emotional superhero. Later I get to realize I'm really not!

That's so true. What is making me sad and even frustrated, when I think that we, as a family, don't-have-any-major-problem currently in life at all! We had in the past, but not now. We could be living on a cruise auto-pilot mode. Enjoyable simple living. I already said this - no debt, no mortgages, no money or school issues. All current real life problems are fixable, there's a workaround for everything. We could be living far better together, with double earnings, less expenses and far more calmness. Except that she is a uBPD sufferer and makes this all next to impossible, with lives full of drama and anxiety.

[Manic Miner]

Today was a mess. Writing this more as a journal.

W was raging mad, cursing, spitting at me (theatrically), calling me names, cursing my FOO, yelling, you name it. Drama in its full glory. Then said I never loved her, I'm abandoning our family, didn't care and abused her emotionally.
My skin thickened with my DBT training, so I didn't take anything personally, nor felt threatened.

It all started because we talked about divorce and after throwing so much verbal junk at me, I said to myself 'I'm so glad I don't have to hear this at home'. She heard that and said "I thought the same this Saturday" then went on in full rage how I dared to say that. It was so bizarre.

W said I will see how hollow my home will be when she's finally gone with her stuff. How I don't even understand what I lost. And I won't hear her ever ever ever again.

Then after a while, after that verbal junk hit the expiry date, she started saying how I will be relieved that this piece of trash will be out of my life - in her own words.

Honestly, I felt sad for her. She probably sees herself as a piece of trash. Witty, smart, creative and attractive girl, forever emotionally disabled. And no adequate therapy to even start addressing this.

I'm 100% sure she's a BPD sufferer, formally diagnosed or not. Her emotional skills are beyond poor, is unable to connect how her chaos is causing anything and still talks about herself. And I get it, she feels awful, hurt and afraid. But I'm not able to fix it.
She finished with "I'm so sorry. You should have cared for me more".