20 year old Daughter recently diagnosed

[wishfullife]

Hello. First I want to say I am so glad that I found this site, and I am looking forward to your responses. It is nice to not be alone in this. My daughter was diagnosed about a year and a half ago. She was a nightmare to parent as a teen, but managed to get good enough grades to attend university. So far, she is still very much a "loner" and has never had a relationship or even a close friendship. Our relationship once she moved out to attend uni was strained, but overall cordial. We (my husband and I) still financially support her as we pay for her education, although she does work during the summer/time off from school.

We are afraid that once she graduates this year, the tentative peace will come crashing down. Has anyone experienced these relative periods of calm? We are afraid of what comes next, especially if she isn't able to find a job. Also, is it common for people with BPD to remain on the edges of society? My daughter is still very awkward around people and has a hard time relating to anyone. I am open to any advice on navigating the transition into independence after finishing higher education, and any advice in ensuring that my daughter is no longer dependent on us.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Wishfullife, and welcome,
    What you said - about your daughter being socially awkward - reminds me of our son; he always was and is now 40. We, too, had relatively long periods of calm; however after being called weekly with happy updates, he has now vilified us. I'm finally at the point - after so many years of this - that I am no longer hurt for me and the insults hurled our way; I hurt for his suffering due to his distorted view of realities.
     I'm an English language arts teacher, so I can't be on these boards as often as I am in the summer - just wanted to welcome you.

[Sancho]

Welcome Wishfullife
I can understand your sense of foreboding - I think any time of transition is very difficult for someone with BPD.

It does sound as though your daughter has many positive things - just being able to be successful at study and also she does work in the study break times. My BPD has never been able to do either of those things.

I wonder if you could find someone who might be able to help you help your daughter through this transition? A counsellor perhaps? The problem is the inability to form/deal with friendships or relationships that seem to be the most likely hurdle to your daughter successfully taking up independent living.

Does she have particular interests outside of study that she might be able to follow and meet others?  Is she good at budgeting - ie do you think she will be able to find a position and then take responsibility for her money?

It is a really difficult situation for you but I have to say congratulations on how well you have dealt with things so far. You have done really well!

[wishfullife]

I wonder if you could find someone who might be able to help you help your daughter through this transition? A counsellor perhaps? The problem is the inability to form/deal with friendships or relationships that seem to be the most likely hurdle to your daughter successfully taking up independent living.

Does she have particular interests outside of study that she might be able to follow and meet others?  Is she good at budgeting - ie do you think she will be able to find a position and then take responsibility for her money?

Hello Sancho, thank you so much for your response. My daughter has gone through DBT before, and has just switched to a new therapist that has some DBT and CBT training. My daughter overall is a pretty dull person, in the sense that she does the minimum for her studies and doesn't seek out new experiences or pursue hobbies/interests. As for budgeting, she has a debit card, we give her an allowance on that card (rent, utilities, groceries), and she hasn't run into any major issues but she is very impulsive. If she sees something in a store that she likes, be it clothing or a new notebook, she will buy it without any thought. I doubt she will have the ability to save for retirement or make sound investments, but hopefully she will at least be able to support herself.

I hope I don't sound too cynical, she was just so exhausting to raise, and at this point I just want this turmoil to be over. My husband and I have given so much of our lives and love to her and I don't think we will ever see that returned, so now I just want enough space between us so that I can try to rebuild my life.

[wishfullife]

We, too, had relatively long periods of calm; however after being called weekly with happy updates, he has now vilified us. I'm finally at the point - after so many years of this - that I am no longer hurt for me and the insults hurled our way; I hurt for his suffering due to his distorted view of realities.

Hello Still Water,
Thank you for the welcome! I am so sorry to hear about your son. This is what I am terrified of happening to me. If you don't mind me asking, is your son still somewhat independent? At this point, I don't mind being vilified (I can't even remember how many times my daughter has cursed at us, telling us she hates our family, etc.) that it has mostly stopped hurting. I feel like I lost my daughter long ago, so at this point I just want her to not have to rely on me anymore, so that I can put space between us and begin to heal.

Sending you all the best