How to fight the control…?

[Notwendy]

FF asked a good question.

It's interesting how we think we are being helpful when making suggestions, but it comes across as invalidating and controlling to the other person.

I recall sharing an experience when I had some work done on my house and had to clean construction dust up. I wished I had covered things more carefully. So when BPD mother told me she was having some work done, I mentioned it would be a good idea to cover the furniture.

This "what I wish someone had told me" was received as invalidating to her. She thought I was telling her what to do because she was incapable. It didn't even occur to me that she'd see it that way.

We learn from experience. Backing off giving advice and allowing others to learn from their own choices - lets them learn. It's not invalidating and it's not controlling. Now, of course we do step in if it's going to cause harm to someone. Not all learning experiences are safe. But letting someone make a mistake on a recipe, or forget their jacket on a cold day, or forget to buy something at the store- these are safe learning experiences.

Of course things like fostering a child, spending on something expensive- these have large consequences that need to be discussed. However, letting your wife manage the small things- that won't cause harm if not done perfectly- allow her to learn, to get better at them.

Feelings " I wish I could foster all the kids who need homes". Well that's a feeling we can all connect to in a sense= wish that all children had a loving home. So you validate the feeling- "I understand, that's very caring of you". It doesn't mean you have to do it though. I think you have learned to validate the feeling without having to take on the feeling and make it real.

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[thankful person]

Hi FF,
I’m still working on this one and getting lots of practice because my wife is losing weight and being more healthy and happy about it, but still unhappy with how she looks. I think the first lesson I understood here about invalidating was to not actively disagree with a statement. So I’ve been saying “I’m sorry you feel that way and I’m sad you’re not pleased with how you look, that must be upsetting” and always encouraging with the diet and weight loss, “you’re doing so well and I’m impressed and proud of you “. Tbh I didn’t think she’d stick with it as she historically hasn’t. And I remind her that her plans on doing more fitness activities will help tone her body (yes this is thin ice but I’m careful with it). Also today I reminded her that when she’s wishing she looked as she did a few years ago, even then she’s never been happy with how she looked. Any other advice would be appreciated!
Not Wendy, yes I am realising how often I try to give helpful advice and how pointless it has been over the years. She’s even said things like, “just let me feel how I’m feeling”. I have a feeling maybe she learnt this in dbt but has never fully explained it to me. She often says, “you always have to ruin everything” just when I say something I felt would be helpful. And the other day it was, “it’s ok to have McDonald’s breakfast isn’t it” Meaning as part of her diet, I said, “sure as long as you get back on track and don’t get loads of takeaways all week…” omg that was the WRONG thing to say and she almost didn’t have her McDonald’s. But then she did. Lol.