Co-Parenting: Imaginary Friend or...?

[Turkish]

A month ago my ex called me, sobbing that she dreaded weekends with the kids, because of fighting with our D9. We had a video session with a therapist. D9 was with me and I convinced her to come out of her room to join but she refused to face the camera "it's stupid!"

That week, we decided to switch from 3-2-2-3 (3s are Friday through Monday mornings) to week to week with her and S11. Things seemed to get better with Mommy and daughter. No more screaming fits. And D9 told me today that mommy pulled her hair a few months ago when D9 and her brother were fighting.

I took D9 to the session and she was hesitant to engage until the end. Then she said that she has a friend, a ghost, a 9 year old boy who lived in a cabin that was here before our house was built. No. It was orchards before that.

She talks to him, Connor. She sees him and has talked to him even when our Big Puppy is in the room. She said our dog was confused about her talking (it's a smart dog, very attuned to us) but the dog didn't sense her ghost friend.

There was another bully ghost that Connor vanquished.

She shared that she told her friends at school and they told her that she has an imaginary friend. D9 doesn't see it that way.

Conner mostly shows up at my home, but sometimes at mom's. The T asked her if he told her to hurt herself, no. Also not to burn us in our beds (The Bad Seed!).

we're not sure what to make of this, but even with covid, we'll have another in person session in 3 weeks, D9 preferred that rather than video, so I'm glad that she's open to talking.

Our daughter is tough, but she still is scared of...? She still sleeps with both parents (she'll wait up for me to go to bed or sneak in at 2AM and I awake with her and Big Puppy she'll bring who usually sleeps on the couch). If she were like 11, I'd be more concerned.

She was so detailed about her ghost friend it's weird. D9 also says that she can see in the dark perfectly and she has superior wolf like hearing.

At the last minute, she told the T about her mom's boyfriend whom she broke up with. I kind of told the T under by breath, "that was her step-dad."

I'm not superstitious, but this ghost friend is... what? I need an exorcism? Likely more or daughter's coping mechanism for whatever we will explore.

I don't want to invalidate her though.

In a brief conversation with Mommy when she came to pick her up, my ex mentioned that psychosis was a risk for kids from this age into early 20s. God help me if she tries to get D9 medicated. This is all new territory.

[formflier]

Certainly the kind of thing that makes you "lean forward" in your parenting chair and pay attention.

The vibe I'm getting from you is let her talk and let's see where this goes. I would guess most Ts would push for more time with "real friends"  (but..covid..uggg).  In other worlds, giving her an alternative seems problematic.

Probably a good idea to explicitly talk about this with your T (without D around) and make sure you understand all her observations and ideas.

My personal guess on this is that giving it some (but not much) attention is the way to go. 

Turkish my hats off to you for moving your schedule around in hope of improving things for your child.   


I'd be curious if there is a "story" about when the friend showed up, then start trying to see if something unusual happened just prior.

Hang in there Turkish!

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I don't know about the imaginary friend, but looking back at my own childhood, around age 9 was a sort of turning point between me and my mother. I was not her favorite child, it was clear to everyone that she preferred the golden child, although she dismissed my concerns. There was more friction between us because I was growing up. My parents were arguing a lot and I could see what was going on. I knew something wasn't right. Younger children are less aware and more compliant. Since my mother's issues were a family secret, it was getting harder to keep them secret from me. I then became a threat, and also her verbal target. I also was blamed for issues between us. During my adolescence, I disliked her. I wasn't a bad kid though, I didn't rebel in a big way. The friction was between us. With my mother it was mostly verbal and emotional abuse, but that's bad enough. Her mother pulling her hair is concerning.

I definitely knew the difference between reality and imagination but spent a lot of time day dreaming. The music of the era was romantic and while this didn't really register with me at that age, the idea in the love songs did. To have someone love you. The daydreaming was a sort of escape/self soothing - maybe someone out there loved me ( because my mother didn't act like that).

Of course you love her and my father did love me, but still, there was negative from my mother. My concern would be if she really could not tell that "Connor" wasn't real or if she just needs a friend like Connor who cares about her and so has to be real. I don't think the issues between her and her mother have anything to do with this imaginary friend. The friend may be her way of coping. However, I would bring this up to the therapist for a professional opinion and of course, if she has other types of seeing and hearing things. I'd also ask for advice about the imaginary friend. She may just be doing this to cope.

[Turkish]

I spent time this morning researching the topic: everything from early signs of schizophrenia to possible demonic possession. I watch too many horror movies

This was one of the best articles on the subject:

Why Do Kids Have Imaginary Friends

A handful of small studies have tried to dig into the psychology of kids with imaginary friends. One suggested that relationships with invisible beings fulfill a child’s need for friendship and are more common among firstborn or only children. Research has also suggested that girls are more likely to conjure imaginary friends and that kids who have imaginary friends grow up to be more creative adults than those who do not. In Carlson’s studies, she’s observed that little girls typically take on a nurturing, teacherlike role with their imaginary companions, who often take the form of baby animals or baby humans. Little boys’ imaginary friends are frequently characters who are more competent than they are, such as superheroes or beings with powers, she says.

Imaginary friends help kids fulfill the three fundamental psychological needs laid out in self-determination theory, Carlson says: competence, relatedness, and autonomy. Children feel competent when they assume a leadership role with their imaginary companions—that is, describing their invisible pals as “dumb” or having to teach them a skill. Although their companions are make-believe, children relate to imaginary beings in the same way they connect with real friends. (Though imaginary ones come with the added benefit of allowing kids to simulate social situations with zero consequences, Kidd said.) And imaginary friends facilitate autonomy when children use their existence to manipulate a situation, such as insisting that parents serve their imaginary companions dinner or buckle them into a car seat. “Imaginary companions are giving kids a sense of control,”  

I was an only adopted child of a single parent, even more latchkey than most Gen-xers. I was also ostracized by my peers due to looking differently because of a genetic condition. Rejected: even by imaginary friends; I never had one  

[ForeverDad]

I remember back about 6th grade I stumbled a bit reading a couple paragraphs for the teacher and was assigned to a remedial group in class with lots of stories to read.  That's when I became an avid reader.  In high school I read so many books, I recall one year it was over 100 books, that I got permission to read new books that had arrived, boxes opened, but not yet added into the library system.  I don't recall anyone else in school had that trust.  I especially loved Sci-Fi and devoured all I could find.  Heinlein, Asimov, E E 'Doc' Smith (Lensman series) and many others, adventures in the future on other planets and solar systems.

I recall reading library books in the rafters of our garage until suppertime.  My classes didn't suffer, it was typical for me to be on the honor roll.  Geometry class was freshmen and sophomores, I was the best out of two classes and as a freshman was awarded the class medal that year.  I then went to the state capital competing against the state's best and I ranked in the top third.  I was disappointed my placement wasn't more specific than that.

A sibling told me I forgot to survive, not that I remember much, and hers was to remember.  So I guess it was true that I daydreamed through my youth.

[Notwendy]

My sibling has a much better memory of our childhood events than I do. I am surprised at how vague some of these memories are for me. I know I daydreamed a lot. I think the control idea makes sense.

[GaGrl]

My younger sister had an imaginary friend. This was between the ages of about 3 and 5, until she started kindergarten. Her stories about the imaginary friend were detailed and creative.

During that time, my father was grieving the death of his father and was emotionally unavailable to my mom and to us. Finances were right due to my grandfather 's illness and funeral expenses, so mom went back to work, and our grandmother cared for us during the day -- I was in school, my sister was not. I can see how an imaginary friend gave my sister some control and companionship.

[Woolspinner2000]

Like the others have mentioned, I also daydreamed and read my way through my childhood. It was a way of escape which I now understand but didn't then. My daydreams always centered around someone rescuing me.

When I watched Anne of Green Gables or listened to the audio version, she had two imaginary friends. I recognized in her story that of so many of us, that she was a lonely child looking for a place to belong.

Does this friend visit her at both houses or just one?

 
Wools

[Turkish]

Both homes, but mostly at mine.

[I Am Redeemed]

I learned to read when I was 3, and it quickly became my coping skill to deal with the conflict in my family. I read constantly and soon began a running narrative in my head where I began to pretend that I was a character in one of my books. I pretty much lived in a fantasy land until age 12 when I consciously decided I was too old to be doing that.

When I was around 9, I made up a ghost friend that followed me around. It only lasted for a few months and I went back to just pretending to be a book character again. My favorite was Scout from To Kill A Mockingbird.

When I was 11, I had a fantasy that I would discover that I had supernatural powers (or magical powers) when I turned 12 or 13.

I think sometimes kids can make up things like this because it gives them some comfort or control in a difficult situation or after experiencing trauma.

The dsm5 even says that children under 6 who develop ptsd may start believing that they have special powers such as seeing the future, etc.

Even without meeting dsm5 ptsd criteria, I think that creating these fantasies can be a common coping skill for kids who have experienced trauma, ACES, or difficult stuff.

[I Am Redeemed]

I spent time this morning researching the topic: everything from early signs of schizophrenia to possible demonic possession. I watch too many horror movies

Same about the horror movies. As silly as it sounds, I would be thinking "is it...possible?"

I watched A Haunting in Georgia. Definitely would make me research kids seeing real ghosts against my rational thinking

[Turkish]

I have a small house, 1000sf. I was saying prayers and cuddling D9 and mentioned Connor. S11, in the adjacent room, hadn't heard of this so he started asking questions. "So you have an imaginary friend!" D9 said that Connor had a dog like ours, the great-great (x11) grand dog of ours.  S11 kind of liked it and added to his prayer that Connor would continue to watch over and protect us.

I guess this now our family "thing."

S11 didn't cotton to my theory that Connor would visit him at night and chomp his toes. He was open to the concept. D9 still insists that Connor is nice.

[Cat Familiar]

Late to the party, but I too had imaginary friends. I was likely about four, and it just now occurred to me that was when my mother was having a serious bout of depression. Her mother, sister, and niece had all died in a car accident, on a trip she and I were supposed to go on. At the last minute, she decided against going.

I still remember the moment when she was backing up her car at the city hall, where she had gone to pay taxes. The car jerked and she thought she’d hit the car behind her, and got out to check, but she hadn’t. For some reason, she looked at her watch and remembered the time. Turns out that was the exact moment when her relatives were all killed on the highway in another state.

I’ve seen and experienced some weird *supernatural* stuff for which I have no rational explanation.

When my friend and I visited an old friend of hers on a road trip when we were in our 20s, she told us not to be alarmed by the ghost in the old house where she lived in San Jose. During that visit, the gas stove turned on by itself while the three of us were seated in the dining room, some distance away. And we heard footsteps walking around the hallway after we all had gone to bed.

I had three very strange inexplicable things happen the day after my dad died. My mother was witness to one of them.

And perhaps the weirdest thing I ever saw was when I was in the process of building my original little house and camping on the property. The house was just past the framing stage with the doors and windows not yet installed. I had run an extension cord and was sitting inside in a patio chair, doing some bookkeeping for my business with a floor lamp illuminating my ledger book.

I looked up when I detected some motion in the room to see a young boy, with a reddish blonde bowl-cut haircut, wearing old fashioned overalls, like the kind worn in the early part of the 20th century. He walked through the room, not noticing me, then walked through the framed wall.

So obviously I have a bias and I’m open to the possibility that what your daughter is seeing has some legitimacy.

[Couper]

A kid having an imaginary friend doesn't seem so unusual to me, but the paranormal angle makes me wonder if your daughter is watching any such shows on t.v.  How in tune are you with what she's watching on t.v. (or the computer or whatever)? 

My kids are the same ages.  I try to keep an eye on what my kids watch and at times have been alarmed at some of the seemingly innocent programming that goes off on a paranormal tangent.  I don't particularly like that stuff and kids shows aren't necessarily Woody Woodpecker and Looney Toons anymore.  Maybe I would go so far as to say I am a bit aghast at how, hum... "sophisticated" some of the kids programming is today.  It might be inspiring your daughter's narrative. 

[Turkish]

She likes a certain youtubber. I've watched it, and it's mostly inane content as most youtubbers present. Her mom is right that I need to set up the AT&T app to cut off the internet to certain devices. I do it in real life, but she tries to sneak.

I caught her the other night fallen asleep in her chair with the lights on when I went to bed. Her laptop wasn't open though.

I won't dismiss the supernatural (hopefully nothing like the eyes at the window from The Amityville Horror... that scared the crap out of me as a kid), but given her comments about Connor's dog being the ancestor of ours, I think this is her overactive imagination. I'm still concerned why she can't sleep without a light on though. The Christmas lights on her wall seem no longer sufficient. I had deemed S11 as the family scardey-cat, but he's been fine in darkness, with only the feeble streetlight  seeping through his thick curtains.

[formflier]

https://meetcircle.com/products/circle-parental-controls-device-and-1-year-app-subscription?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=14256642140&utm_content=all&utm_term=circle%20internet%20control&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxr2TyZOf8wIVsyitBh0kngHLEAAYASAAEgJW7_D_BwE


We've used this before to control internet and screens.

Best,

FF

[Turkish]

Mommy called me last night. The school has been calling her. D9 has been going to the office to see the nurse often. Her legs hurt. She has a headache. She sees and hears things outside of her immediate environment. They are putting her on the wait list to see the school psych.

My ex has two theories: it's my fault (not enough healthy eating, too much odd YouTube stuff); and/or, my ex's grandma was sensitive to "energies" as my ex was as a child, to the world unseen.

"I know you don't believe in that, but those were my experiences as a child and D9 may have inherited that."

I felt like saying, "is it your family's witch genes, or too much sugar?"  

She told the school that D9 was in therapy so it looks like we're doing something to address whatever this is.