Stuck between a rock and a hard spot...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife and I have been married 25 years. We have no children together. We've been seeing marriage therapists for the last 15 years. I suffer from depression that is treated with medication. My wife was the victim of horrific abuse as a child, (sexual & emotional). We've done marriage retreats and she's done inpatient treatment for her trauma. For years I described our marriage as a roller coaster. Lately, I say it's more like a blender where one person can push the "pulse" button whenever they want. What's the difference? Most people enjoy a roller coaster and rarely does anyone get hurt. In the blender there is damage done every time the button is depressed. One is never quite the same afterwards.

Our marriage therapist suggested to me a while back that she may be BPD and told me to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I just read it for the second time and 90% applies to my wife. She's never been into hurting herself and only once considered suicide that I am aware of, but she's short tempered, prone to weeks of the silent treatment, is manipulative, feels entitled, doesn't contribute much to the relationship, and twists things that happen in our daily lives into tales that disparage me - then she shares them with her relatives, friends and our neighbors. Not horrible things like abuse, but smaller things that she thinks make me a bad husband and provider. She's never been formally diagnosed but doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her.

Recently she told me that if I didn't buy her a new car she would divorce me, take half of everything, buy whatever new car she wants and find a new man. Subsequent to that I told her that it was time for us to discuss divorce as I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship. At the same time, I was switching anti-depressants on doctors orders and had a few really bad days before switching back. When I hit bottom I realized I had lost much of my self-esteem and self worth as a result of her words and actions over the years. I told her I needed some time to get my head back on straight and that once I did I would be deciding if I wanted to stay married to her or not. She understood and said she would be patient and wait for me... Since then, all the things you would expect, (frustration, renegotiation, promises to see a therapist, asking me to see a different marriage therapist, sex bombing offers, etc.).

Problem is, I'm in my mid-50's and have some medical conditions that pose challenges. Besides the depression I have a condition that partially resembles MS or Parkinson's. Long story short is that I don't know how long I will be independent before I need help. I don't have any family or friends that I would expect to be able to help me if/when that time comes. I've figured she would be that person if/when it happens so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I stay, she will keep doing what she's always done but if I leave, I could really be putting myself in a scary situation.

I feel certain I am not the first person to be in a similar situation and am hoping for some experienced words of wisdom. Thanks in advance!

[Guruu]

My wife and I have been married 25 years. We have no children together. We've been seeing marriage therapists for the last 15 years. I suffer from depression that is treated with medication. My wife was the victim of horrific abuse as a child, (sexual & emotional). We've done marriage retreats and she's done inpatient treatment for her trauma. For years I described our marriage as a roller coaster. Lately, I say it's more like a blender where one person can push the "pulse" button whenever they want. What's the difference? Most people enjoy a roller coaster and rarely does anyone get hurt. In the blender there is damage done every time the button is depressed. One is never quite the same afterwards.

Our marriage therapist suggested to me a while back that she may be BPD and told me to read "Stop Walking on Eggshells." I just read it for the second time and 90% applies to my wife. She's never been into hurting herself and only once considered suicide that I am aware of, but she's short tempered, prone to weeks of the silent treatment, is manipulative, feels entitled, doesn't contribute much to the relationship, and twists things that happen in our daily lives into tales that disparage me - then she shares them with her relatives, friends and our neighbors. Not horrible things like abuse, but smaller things that she thinks make me a bad husband and provider. She's never been formally diagnosed but doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her.

Recently she told me that if I didn't buy her a new car she would divorce me, take half of everything, buy whatever new car she wants and find a new man. Subsequent to that I told her that it was time for us to discuss divorce as I wasn't interested in that kind of relationship. At the same time, I was switching anti-depressants on doctors orders and had a few really bad days before switching back. When I hit bottom I realized I had lost much of my self-esteem and self worth as a result of her words and actions over the years. I told her I needed some time to get my head back on straight and that once I did I would be deciding if I wanted to stay married to her or not. She understood and said she would be patient and wait for me... Since then, all the things you would expect, (frustration, renegotiation, promises to see a therapist, asking me to see a different marriage therapist, sex bombing offers, etc.).

Problem is, I'm in my mid-50's and have some medical conditions that pose challenges. Besides the depression I have a condition that partially resembles MS or Parkinson's. Long story short is that I don't know how long I will be independent before I need help. I don't have any family or friends that I would expect to be able to help me if/when that time comes. I've figured she would be that person if/when it happens so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I stay, she will keep doing what she's always done but if I leave, I could really be putting myself in a scary situation.

I feel certain I am not the first person to be in a similar situation and am hoping for some experienced words of wisdom. Thanks in advance!

[ForeverDad]

You know what life is like right now and in past years.  A lot of us too found it hard to change up our lives.  But, over time and with education and support, we were able to take charge of our lives, for better or worse.  But I don't recall anyone here looking back and seriously regretting getting out of a bad situation.

A few decades ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action, as appropriate, will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that may be - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos...

Your decisions of course will be affected by your spouse's actions and behaviors.  But it's always up to you to decide what boundaries you will set in your life, what you will do or not do, etc.

[GaGrl]

Persons with BPD are lacking in empathy. Thinking that your wife, after the conflict of so many years, will be there for you in an empathic, caring way may be giving her too much credit.

My husband divorced his uBPD/NP D wife after 33 years of official marriage -- they had not lived together for 14 years. We married when he was 56, and he is now 71.

I say this because there certainly is life after divorce.

I would just caution that you make decisions based on your lifecneedscnow, not some vision of anticipation of what you think you might need later.

[yeeter]

If I stay, she will keep doing what she's always done but if I leave, I could really be putting myself in a scary situation.

This is the dynamic of being 'stuck'.  Needing to choose from two undesirable choices.  One piece of advice I can offer is to give some amount of time to make the choice, then once that choice is made, 'own it' and live it.  Dont wallow back and forth after the fact second guessing.  You can always review on a set time period (say, once a year you will assess... decide whether to stay on the same path, then own that path for the next year).

The 'unknown' is often more scary than the 'known'.  I heard a statistic recently that 85% of what people worry about, are things in the future that never actually happen.  Of course there is still that 15%.

Sometimes it helps me to play scenarios all the way through.  What would you 'really' do if you left and went forward with your own path.  What would it look like?  As specific as possible.  Sometimes there are multiple paths to mitigate the scary unknown parts.

 

[ForeverDad]

Recently she told me that if I didn't buy her a new car she would divorce me, take half of everything, buy whatever new car she wants and find a new man.

Trimmed to the basics:

Scenario 1 (buy car, then divorce)
  You buy new car for spouse
  Divorce
  You keep your older car
  Ex keeps her new car
  Ex gets her half of marital equity
  Ex finds a new man

Scenario 2
  Divorce
  You keep your older car
  Ex keeps her older car
  Ex gets her half of marital equity
  Ex buys new car, paid from her share of marital equity
  Ex finds a new man

Which looks better to you?  In the first scenario, she gets a shiny new car then marital equity is split.  In the second scenario, you both walk out of the divorce with used cars and she has to buy her shiny new car from her share of the marital equity.

While this is very simplistic and no divorce outcome is exactly as envisioned, in the first scenario you are enabling/appeasing your spouse while reducing your outcome.

Also ponder another aspect of her demands.  Do you want a wife who values her marriage of 25 years as equivalent to a new car?  What about you?  Sure, she's speaking in the moment of high emotions and will likely flip back and forth as she's always done, but still...

[NotAHero]

  Do not appease a BPD. They do not appreciate it. That being said they also don’t mean what they say most of the time unless it’s a threat of violence or here and now action. Don’t buy the car, avoid the subject, it’s unlikely she will divorce you. She will keep bringing it up for a while until she finds something else to blame you for. If she does follow up and leave then that would be the outcome either way.

 If you are relying on her for long term care you better invest in a long term care insurance. Read more books about the disorder and frequent more forums.