my likely BPD wife was arrested for domestic assault.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She punched me, strangled me, tried to hit me with hammers, and held me at gun point to get me to delete some of the video I took of it all. She was later arrested and I fled the house for safety.

Ive tried for years to help her get better and make the relationship work, but I think its time to leave. I know I am going to have to be somewhat ruthless in divorce proceedings, but its so hard because she is still the woman I married. However, every time I have shown love or mercy, it has come back to bite me. Im also terrified of her committing suicide, as she has threatened to do many times.

How am I supposed to cope with this? I simply don't have the energy anymore to do any of this. Is it easier to roll over and just give her everything and start over? I feel like by the time this is over, between her legal fees and divorce legal fees, as well as damage to the business we both run, not much will be left by the time this is over.

Has anyone had their BPD spouse arrested? What was the outcome?

[BreakfastBurrito]

She punched me, strangled me, tried to hit me with hammers, and held me at gun point to get me to delete some of the video I took of it all. She was later arrested and I fled the house for safety.

Ive tried for years to help her get better and make the relationship work, but I think its time to leave. I know I am going to have to be somewhat ruthless in divorce proceedings, but its so hard because she is still the woman I married. However, every time I have shown love or mercy, it has come back to bite me. Im also terrified of her committing suicide, as she has threatened to do many times.

How am I supposed to cope with this? I simply don't have the energy anymore to do any of this. Is it easier to roll over and just give her everything and start over? I feel like by the time this is over, between her legal fees and divorce legal fees, as well as damage to the business we both run, not much will be left by the time this is over.

Has anyone had their BPD spouse arrested? What was the outcome?

[GaGrl]

Multiple members have experienced domestic violence from their BPD partners, and I'm sure some will weigh in.

A couple of things to remember as you go through this...

1) Many police jurisdictions no longer depend on one spouse to "bring charges" or "have a spouse arrested." If there is evidence that domestic violence occurred by one spouse, the police are bound/ obligated to arrest the offending party. It's not up to you to say, "Oh, don't arrest her."

 2) Suicide threats are not your burden to try to control. You are not a mental health professional and cannot assess the severity of a threat. What you can do is call 911 each time a threat is made, and let them assess what is needed. It might end up being a wellness check, or it could result in suicide intervention.

In the meantime, where is your wife? Have you applied for a temporary restraining order/order of protection so that she cannot return to the house?

[kells76]

BreakfastBurrito, welcome, glad you reached out for support. You've really been through it, and I'm sorry for what brings you here. Like GaGrl said, there are lots of members here who have been in really, really similar situations, so you're with a group that "gets it".

Can I ask, do you guys have any kids? If so, are they somewhere safe right now?

While lawyers are expensive, they can be VERY worth it in terms of their emotional detachment from your situation. You don't have to have the energy to personally "fight" during the divorce proceedings, necessarily... you can interview a few L's (usually free for initial assessment), pick one you click with who gets your situation, and say "whatever happens... don't let me undermine myself". It can take some of the burden off of you.

Also, are you able to reach out to a therapist or DV center for more support? When there are pwBPD (persons with BPD) in our lives, we need a robust support network -- peer groups (like here), a close friend, some family, and professionals. I know in the past there were closed-minded attitudes about men being the victims of DV. I think today that is no longer the case, and a place like www.thehotline.org could offer you advice and guidance as you navigate divorcing a spouse with BPD who has been violent towards you.

Keep posting whenever works for you, and again, welcome,

kells76

[Goosey]

Keep yourself out of harms way.
   Use friends, family and or trusted associates as sounding boards.
  Remember to eat and get rest. 
     Post here, lotta good advice abounds.

[PearlsBefore]

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to see you, sorry you're here...dang man, I've walked in those shoes you're describing...like to the point that I'm going to ramble in my advice to you, .

To make it more bizarre in my case I phoned police after she err, took the news of my divorcing her rather hard. Of course police showed up and arrested me, I figured it was just a bureaucratic SNAFU and the situation would be figured out in the morning that I was the victim and not the aggressor, and it had always been that way... it took more than a year. Eventually the Court did find that my BPD ex had assaulted me a number of times, tried to murder me on a few occasions over very minor issues, etc - she acknowledged that she couldn't even list how many different ways she'd tried to kill herself (couldn't remember the day of jumping off a small cliff, but acknowledged it probably happened she just blacked out pretty often and had mental health crises 4-5 times daily by her count), and the court finally acknowledged that she was also abusing the children, physically and mentally - and it seems like they understand she was doing another inappropriate thing with the male children as well, but politely avoided naming the act since the children, her and I all dance carefully around the subject of her predilections towards children arising from her own childhood if you believe her. She also acknowledged very openly, seemingly not understanding that she was confessing to a crime, that she wanted sex 3-4 times daily from me and though I would beg her to stop mid-coitus, she'd refuse because she "needed it" and I wasn't properly satisfying her.

Honestly, if I could do the whole thing over again I would've been ruthless from the get-go, being soft on her and trying to avoid her getting in trouble with the law (after all, we all "know" that she's not going to turn her life around in prison, they never do) but it actually ended up hurting me and the kids tremendously, and didn't do her a damned bit of good either. I spent years being abused, and then years trying to avoid her facing consequences for her actions, and that's the one thing that has hurt the children the most.

I've since become rather vocal about the lack of supports for male victims of domestic violence in our region, after years of literally being told that the network I phoned doesn't accept males, that shelters don't take men with children, that there are no rape counsellors for men, etc. One of the most infuriating parts was that everyone who became involved in the case tended to assume that since I was indignant and married to a BPD, that I must be a narcissist or toxic or whatever...it was the ultimate victim-blaming and I ultimately had to do an in-patient assessment at the country's top mental health hospital and it thoroughly ruled out being a narcissist, etc. It's a huge uphill battle, truth be told, but at least you have the knowledge that you're taking on a challenge that is worthwhile and can hopefully give you back your life.

If you have questions, feel free to PM.

[ForeverDad]

Has anyone had their BPD spouse arrested?  What was the outcome?

Your years of efforts rhyme with my life before my separation and divorce.  I tried and tried to both hide her abuse and fix her.  Neither worked.  Finally one weekend I did call 911 and reported a "domestic dispute".  She promptly grabbed the handset, pressed the button to hang up, again said she would kill me and threw it in my direction but missed.  It broke apart and ended up on the floor.  Later I searched everywhere for the phone but never found it.  I don't know how she disposed it, I never found it in the weekly garbage.  (Some here have said that's against the law to interfere or block calling for help or damage property.  However, no one locally seemed to do anything about it.)

The police arrived.  They handed her a DV pamphlet, asked me to hand our quietly sobbing preschooler over to his mother and "walk away", he shrieked and clung tighter to me so they said to "work it out" and walked away.

Months later I got a different lawyer for the divorce and he, a former police officer, was amazed I wasn't arrested or at least carted away.  He told me that "and step away" would had gifted me a ride in the back of a police car.  My son unknowingly 'saved' me that day.

She sang jingle taunts at me afterward.  Later on I had recovered a bit and managed to download the recording I made of the incident.  (The voice recorder's speaker didn't work.)  A different officer came, listened, took my report and warned me not to recant or feel sorry for her or eventually it would be even worse for me.  I did what I had to do.

She was arrested and charged with Threat of DV.  I was given possession of our home in a TPO, temporary protection order.  (As it turned out, that helped us make a clean break.  I knew the marriage had imploded and soon I accepted that humpty dumpty could never be put back together again.)

Of course, as soon as she was let out on her own recognizance she rushed over to family court to make her own TPO against me there.  While a few weeks later they removed our son from her TPO, they gifted her temp custody and majority parenting time until our divorce's Final decree some two years later.

Her Threat of DV case?  After a few continuances in which she refused plea deals, we had the trial.  It was at the end of the court day, felt like they just wanted to get it over with.  The recording was played and she admitted threatening me.  Then the judge promptly ruled Not Guilty because despite her threats to kill me there was no indication she had a weapon in her hands.  I was a bit amazed, I'm sure if I had done what she had done then I, a man, would have gotten consequences.  All I can postulate is that (1) she was a woman and (2) it was her first time before the court.

About that second visit where I played the recording and the officer warned to not to shrink back and withdraw my statement...

You will feel all sorts of emotions in the next days and weeks.  But don't fret overmuch.  You don't have to decide day by day to change your path.  You made a decision based in information, patterns and your increased knowledge overall of your family's circumstances.  Stick with it, you didn't make this decision lightly, you did it for a reason.  Here's some practical advice from my experience over 15 years ago...

Another piece of advice is that once you've called for help or made a report, you will be pressured to cancel or withdraw it.  Most likely the offender, but possibly too well-meaning but clueless friends or relatives.  I recall what the police officer told me when I made my first report (and she was thereafter charged with Threat of DV)...

When I made my police report about now-ex's Threat of DV, the officer warned me, he had seen this before, that dropping the matter would not make things better.

I've also commented that you'll get better response from officials if you follow through on your calls for help.  If you ponder the situation, you can imagine police getting a call to respond to your address and one remarking to the other, "Oh, I know that address.  No rush.  Ms Waffle always calls for help but then retracts her complaints later."  You don't want a reputation as a revolving door litigant.  If it is a serious matter, follow through on the process.

By the way, if you get a TPO giving you temp possession of the home as a safe space for you, don't turn it down!  When dealing with an acting-out spouse, you need every little piece of advantage you can get.  Don't feel you need to be overly fair or overly nice or overly generous, the court won't care, and it may even turn out to be self-sabotaging.

The person behaving poorly seldom faces consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

[Turkish]

BB,

I encourage you to look into a Safety Plan like here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

You were at risk of being murdered, similar to PearlsBefore's experience, and ForeverDad makes good points about his own experiences about how authorities can either turn towards your worst interests, or coddle her due to your gender. My ex admitted to punching her husband to our daughter's therapist. The T was going to report it (or I would have as it's a crime to expose kids to domestic violence). They let her off. A few years later, she bashed our son on his knee with a mug out of frustration. She took him to the doctor, yet the female doctor didn't report that though it was the crime of child abuse (you can hit but can't leave a mark). I didn't report because we'd had CPS involved with us for a matter unrelated to her a few years earlier.

A former moderator here had a legitimate TRO against his wife for a while. Then the wife retaliated with her own TRO. It made exchanges with their young daughter difficult. I asked him how his wife got the TRO so easily and he said, "if you can write a story well, it will get granted."

My ex obtained a TRO rather easily against her then not former husband's brother.

Do not underestimate that the judicial system will work towards your favor unless you are proactive. Please read the link to the safety plan and we are here to support you.  

[alleyesonme]

BB,

I encourage you to look into a Safety Plan like here: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

You were at risk of being murdered, similar to PearlsBefore's experience, and ForeverDad makes good points about his own experiences about how authorities can either turn towards your worst interests, or coddle her due to your gender. My ex admitted to punching her husband to our daughter's therapist. The T was going to report it (or I would have as it's a crime to expose kids to domestic violence). They let her off. A few years later, she bashed our son on his knee with a mug out of frustration. She took him to the doctor, yet the female doctor didn't report that though it was the crime of child abuse (you can hit but can't leave a mark). I didn't report because we'd had CPS involved with us for a matter unrelated to her a few years earlier.

A former moderator here had a legitimate TRO against his wife for a while. Then the wife retaliated with her own TRO. It made exchanges with their young daughter difficult. I asked him how his wife got the TRO so easily and he said, "if you can write a story well, it will get granted."

My ex obtained a TRO rather easily against her then not former husband's brother.

Do not underestimate that the judicial system will work towards your favor unless you are proactive. Please read the link to the safety plan and we are here to support you.  

Lots of great info in this thread. BB, I feel for you - that's awful. This board can be an amazing resource, though, so take full advantage of that.

Turkish: My stbEX also admitted to physically abusing me in front of our child in sessions with two different marriage counselors, yet neither one of them ever reported it. Was the T that failed to report what your ex did ever disciplined? What can be done in those situations where the T just doesn't do anything despite being ethically required to do so?

[Turkish]

alleyesonme

The T told my ex that she was going to report it, but after consultation with other therapists there, it was not. Because she was honest and accountable, and we were in a parenting class.

The later female doctor who evaluated our son's knee bruise after mommy slammed her mug on his knee didn't report though that crossed the line legally. I was there. I didn't say anything. We'd had previous experience with CPS where the social worker threatened to take our kids so I didn't wan to get CPS involved necessarily.

Yet I think that as a male in both cases, I would have been reported.

[NotAHero]

Breakfast burrito

Glad you reached out here for help and support. I’m a new member here dealing with my own separation but I figured I can put my 2 cents.

 First  if what you have on the line is just business and fees, the good news is that you can go through the divorce  and emerge stronger than ever. If you have kids, it will be much more painful.

  2 things I believe are true:

1- If she can put her hands on you and use a weapon, she is very capable of going through with it. Walk away and do not look back. Whatever you two had before was never, ever about you. It was always about her.

2- From the sound of it this is not the first time she does something similar though this is how it escalated. I’m sure you took some steps and boundaries before. Doesn’t seem like it worked and she resorted to violence again. Walk away, don’t look back or you will pay a much heftier price than you can imagine.

 Whatever she tells you or promise you, don’t fall for it. Walk away, cut your losses.

[alleyesonme]

alleyesonme

The T told my ex that she was going to report it, but after consultation with other therapists there, it was not. Because she was honest and accountable, and we were in a parenting class.

The later female doctor who evaluated our son's knee bruise after mommy slammed her mug on his knee didn't report though that crossed the line legally. I was there. I didn't say anything. We'd had previous experience with CPS where the social worker threatened to take our kids so I didn't wan to get CPS involved necessarily.

Yet I think that as a male in both cases, I would have been reported.

Thanks for the feedback. That's very concerning that neither one of them reported it. Yes, I would bet anything that you would've been reported as a male.

[alleyesonme]

Breakfast burrito

Glad you reached out here for help and support. I’m a new member here dealing with my own separation but I figured I can put my 2 cents.

 First  if what you have on the line is just business and fees, the good news is that you can go through the divorce  and emerge stronger than ever. If you have kids, it will be much more painful.

  2 things I believe are true:

1- If she can put her hands on you and use a weapon, she is very capable of going through with it. Walk away and do not look back. Whatever you two had before was never, ever about you. It was always about her.

2- From the sound of it this is not the first time she does something similar though this is how it escalated. I’m sure you took some steps and boundaries before. Doesn’t seem like it worked and she resorted to violence again. Walk away, don’t look back or you will pay a much heftier price than you can imagine.

 Whatever she tells you or promise you, don’t fall for it. Walk away, cut your losses.

Could not agree with this more. At least for me, the only reason I stayed as long as I did was because we had a child together. My daughter means everything to me, so I was trying everything I could to stick it out. If you don't have that to tie you down, life is way too short to put up with that type of treatment.

[mart555]

Has anyone had their BPD spouse arrested? What was the outcome?

I reported the assault and she was then arrested.  An 18 months probation / no contact order was GREAT and allowed me to heal tremendously, it really helped the kids as well.  The divorce was (and still is) a legal nightmare but so are most BPD divorces..

Don't let anything slip through, she would not hesitate to throw you under the bus.

[ForeverDad]

She punched me, strangled me, tried to hit me with hammers, and held me at gun point... I know I am going to have to be somewhat ruthless in divorce proceedings, but its so hard because she is still the woman I married.

Frankly, she is both.  She is both the person you married and the one threatening you.  Maybe some distant time in the future, after years of meaningful therapy (and her diligently applying it in her thinking, perceptions, moods and life) she might become less erratic and unstable.  But not now.

An observation made here regarding DV risks... If it has been threatened or even contemplated then it will happen given enough time.  That's what happened to you: over time the demands and ultimatums kept increasing until it reached legally actionable abusive behaviors.  Time to protect yourself long term.

I'm also terrified of her committing suicide, as she has threatened to do many times.

We are not trained to handle suicide threats.  Turn that over to the professionals, either emergency responders or hospital assessments.

However, since she never actually took her life after all those many incidents, she may not actually be suicidal.  So it raises the likelihood that she made those suicide threats to manipulate you into giving in to her demands.

And be forewarned that if you ever do call for help she is very likely to Deny making suicidal comments.  But if you have it recorded or the texts or emails saved then it can't be denied.

[legalboxers]

She punched me, strangled me, tried to hit me with hammers, and held me at gun point to get me to delete some of the video I took of it all. She was later arrested and I fled the house for safety.

Ive tried for years to help her get better and make the relationship work, but I think its time to leave. I know I am going to have to be somewhat ruthless in divorce proceedings, but its so hard because she is still the woman I married. However, every time I have shown love or mercy, it has come back to bite me. Im also terrified of her committing suicide, as she has threatened to do many times.

How am I supposed to cope with this? I simply don't have the energy anymore to do any of this. Is it easier to roll over and just give her everything and start over? I feel like by the time this is over, between her legal fees and divorce legal fees, as well as damage to the business we both run, not much will be left by the time this is over.

Has anyone had their BPD spouse arrested? What was the outcome?

One, Thank God your safe. Good shes arrested, you need a peace of mind now. A divorce would be your best option at this stage