Blocked her A big step forward but I feel so guilty

[B1987]

Hi everyone

I haven’t been on here for a while as my bpd ex got back in touch with me after 6 weeks NC and starting lovebombing me again and telling me how much she missed me. I allowed myself to be charmed again only to find out a couple of days later that she was seeing someone else and had moved him in with her! Despite this, I agreed to see her and we slept together a few times (very foolish and something I’m not proud of at all).

She kept saying that the new guy was a loser and she had no feelings for him. She said she wanted to get back with me and could even see us getting married in the future!

She eventually broke up with the new guy and called me the next day wanting to stay at my place for a few days. This lasted a day before things deteriorated! We got on well but she kept getting texts and phone calls from her ex and another guy who she claimed was a friend. At one point she wanted to go into a different room to call each of them in private. I said this was unacceptable and that I didn’t appreciate her doing this. She said she could see where I was coming from but wanted to go home because she felt uncomfortable.

The next day she called me and told me that she wasn’t with anybody else and wanted to see me. I couldn’t talk at the time but said I’d talk to her later. That evening I gave her a call but she didn’t pick up, I tried her again a few minutes later and not only did she not pick up, she had switched her phone off. I have no doubt she was either with her ex or another guy that had been contacting her.

At this point I refuse to let her disrespect me any further and will not be dragged down into a triangulation situation with the other losers that she’s stringing along, I have to know I deserve better than this.

So I have blocked her. Despite her manipulation and unfaithfulness I still really miss her and feel extremely guilty about blocking her. I’m sure she’ll see this as an attack or my way to punish her but I just have to do this for my own self respect and mental health. It’s really hard because I love her so much and wanted things to work out.

Has anyone else felt this guilt when blocking someone that they loved? I understand the reasons why I’m doing it but it doesn’t stop the feelings of pain and remorse.

[ILMBPDC]

At this point I refuse to let her disrespect me any further and will not be dragged down into a triangulation situation with the other losers that she’s stringing along, I have to know I deserve better than this.

You absolutely deserve better!  Refusing to let her disrespect you is drawing a boundary.

So I have blocked her.

I am proud of you

Despite her manipulation and unfaithfulness I still really miss her and feel extremely guilty about blocking her. I’m sure she’ll see this as an attack or my way to punish her but I just have to do this for my own self respect and mental health. It’s really hard because I love her so much and wanted things to work out.

Please remind yourself that this is for your own self respect and mental health. No matter what she feels or thinks, that is not for you to "fix", you have to take care of yourself. No matter how much you want it to work out, it never does. At some point you have to cut your losses, and I think you are doing just that.

Has anyone else felt this guilt when blocking someone that they loved? I understand the reasons why I’m doing it but it doesn’t stop the feelings of pain and remorse.

Its natural to have these feelings but keep reminding yourself of your "why". You know that this isn't healthy, that she is not partner material, that you deserve better. Blocking her is the first step in taking care of you, the most important person in your life.
Also, its cliché, but time and distance will heal you.  It hurts badly right now but it won't always be this way.

[B1987]

Thanks so much, ILMBPDC! You’re absolutely right. I have to think about myself and my self respect and let her know that there are consequences to the hurtful things she does to me.

I’ve never blocked anyone before so it all seems both a bit extreme and petty at the same time but I have to remember the hurt she is causing and the damage it will do to my self-respect and mental health if I allow it to continue.

Thanks for the reply!

[Cromwell]

I changed my sim card, the end result was peace and quiet and the start of trying to relax a bit.

good to hear you are prioritising your health in making this emotionally difficult decision.

[Dad50]

Very similar story. We go back to them, and yes sleep with them, even while they are sleeping with our replacement. It's maddening because, if you went back in time and told your pre-trauma bonded self, "Hey, you're going to break up, your ex is going to find someone new, but they still want to sleep with you."  We would think that would be utterly crazy much less that we would actually do it. But here we are. Your example is so eerily similar it makes me realize it is all those things people talk abut here. It is completely explainable.

And yes, I still feel tremendously guilty like you. I started off small. Blocking social media. Then a couple weeks ago, because of a seemingly inconsequential incident she said:

"Block me on all gadgets
This is the last time I’ll ever speak to you again
If I see you at the gym I'll be cordial
You lost me as a friend "

So I blocked her on text messaging, but still felt guilty, even though she told me to. I left e-mail open as our last vestige of communication and she is still e-mailing me.

So yeah, I think everything you have said is explainable, and yeah, I feel guilty too.

[grumpydonut]

Dad50,

You're sounding much stronger in your words. From a far-away perspective, you look like you're well-and-truly on the right path!

Also, we likely feel guilt and shame because when we were kids we were conditioned into thinking that trying to get our needs met was wrong.

[SinisterComplex]

Very similar story. We go back to them, and yes sleep with them, even while they are sleeping with our replacement. It's maddening because, if you went back in time and told your pre-trauma bonded self, "Hey, you're going to break up, your ex is going to find someone new, but they still want to sleep with you."  We would think that would be utterly crazy much less that we would actually do it. But here we are. Your example is so eerily similar it makes me realize it is all those things people talk abut here. It is completely explainable.

And yes, I still feel tremendously guilty like you. I started off small. Blocking social media. Then a couple weeks ago, because of a seemingly inconsequential incident she said:

"Block me on all gadgets
This is the last time I’ll ever speak to you again
If I see you at the gym I'll be cordial
You lost me as a friend "

So I blocked her on text messaging, but still felt guilty, even though she told me to. I left e-mail open as our last vestige of communication and she is still e-mailing me.

So yeah, I think everything you have said is explainable, and yeah, I feel guilty too.

The last time I'll ever speak to you again, but yet emailing you. Fascinating how that works, quite a paradox I would say. D, why do you feel guilty? Are you willing to explore that in-depth? Grumpy offered up a potential reason. I am curious to here what you think and how you feel about this when you step back and look at the whole picture.

Cheers and best wishes!

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