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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Need some help navigating Parenting  (Read 68 times)
Happiness40

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« on: October 14, 2021, 07:08:41 AM »

Hi so brief summery

Broke up in May had him arrested for coercive control
He's tried in every way possible to get at me, constantly sending messages through the teenagers, so I had to change the non molestation so he could contact me about the children.
Since email contact he has stopped child maintenance over and over again to basically get me to beg for it.
He kept insinuating he would harm himself.
He kept trying to mess around with contact with the children not turning up on time etc, trying to change days but wanted to be able to tell me on the Friday whether he'd have them Saturday or Sunday which I put my foot down too.
Tried mediation he got extremely angry at the end calling me a liar and swearing at me.
Decided to stop mediation.
Sends me a suicide email, and good bye messages to the teenagers, I phone the police and he got sectioned.
Diagnosed with EUPD, attachment disorder and depression.

Gets released pretends he's not back at work so as not to pay me child maintenance.
Sends me messages from he's mums phone pretending to be her, tells me that he's abuse is all on my imagination and that I've lied about him my ex and my mum abusing me when called out on pretending to be he's mum. Texts the eldest to bring her into it with half a txt message to make me look bad trying to make us fall out.
Has children for the 1st time after being released and brings them back 2 hours early leaving them on my doorstep not even knowing whether I was home.
Meets teenage daughter same day but at night she says he's on he's second pub and goes to meet him. I know from reading what psychotic medication he's on it could cause him to have a heart attack and I felt it out her in an extremely vulnerable position.
Emailed to say I'm stopping contact, that he was still not keeping to contact arrangements as outlined in mediation,
Constantly not paying me child maintenance and he should take me to court for further access.
Phoned friend a later swearing and shouting at her to sort me out trying to convince her that I'm lying about he's abuse.
Sends email to me that night saying he's not going to speak to the children until they all turn 16 I ignored it.
Sends another friend some more nasty messages about me last night now saying he has contacted my ex who used to beat me pretty badly and abused our eldest daughter's emotionally.
This has really shaken me up, I have moved 3 times from the 1st ex and my Husband soon to be ex knows damn well my ex done all these things. I guess he's trying to get into my head again and it's worked.

There is sooo much more than this brief outline I could honestly write a book. Can anyone advise how to deal with all of this?
You can read my previous posts I think it's my 1st time on this board but I have been writing on and off on the other boards.
I hope this is the right place for this post as I have been on the detaching but I need help navigating parenting

Many thanks
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Happiness40

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2021, 07:10:51 AM »


Also should have said we have 5 children, 2 are he's step children but they see him as Dad : 20, 17,12,10,4
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kells76
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 1415



« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2021, 09:28:21 AM »

Happiness40, while this reply is brief, you deserve  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) for how you handled this:

Excerpt
Sends email to me that night saying he's not going to speak to the children until they all turn 16 I ignored it.

Really proud of you for not engaging with the "emotional word vomit" coming from him. It wasn't about specific logistics for the kids, so there was nothing you needed to say. Ignoring his message was a strong move, and you deserve kudos for that.

Excerpt
Sends another friend some more nasty messages about me last night now saying he has contacted my ex who used to beat me pretty badly and abused our eldest daughter's emotionally.
This has really shaken me up, I have moved 3 times from the 1st ex and my Husband soon to be ex knows damn well my ex done all these things. I guess he's trying to get into my head again and it's worked.

Am I putting the pieces together correctly, that the friend told you what your stbxH (soon-to-be-ex husband) sent? I am working to figure out how you found out what stbx sent the friend. Mostly in order to brainstorm -- how can you preserve your peace and calm, how can you minimize the mental intrusions so you can have some serenity in your life (and your head).
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Happiness40

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2021, 12:02:51 PM »

Yes my friend phoned me to apologise that she allowed herself to be enticed into an argument with him. She was really trying to stay diplomatic but he just got worse and worse putting laughing faces at what she was saying. Calling her and me liars and so forth. She was trying to help him see that it's not about me it's about the best interests of the children and he didn't like it I guess

Thank you any help would be very much appreciated
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ForeverDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 16482


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #4 on: October 14, 2021, 07:46:02 PM »

This can be categorized as Extinction Bursts (<- link) where the other raises conflict with increasing demands of all sorts with the purpose to intimidate you into retreating back into prior compliant and appeasing behaviors.

There's no reasoning with such demands and ultimatums.  Just do what you have to do.  Please also review some of time-tested Tools and Skills such as Boundaries.  Remember, since our acting-out disordered ones resist boundaries then we have to ponder and devise practical boundaries for us, for how we respond to the chaos and pressure.
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Happiness40

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #5 on: October 15, 2021, 05:12:51 PM »

This can be categorized as Extinction Bursts (<- link) where the other raises conflict with increasing demands of all sorts with the purpose to intimidate you into retreating back into prior compliant and appeasing behaviors.

There's no reasoning with such demands and ultimatums.  Just do what you have to do.  Please also review some of time-tested Tools and Skills such as Boundaries.  Remember, since our acting-out disordered ones resist boundaries then we have to ponder and devise practical boundaries for us, for how we respond to the chaos and pressure.

Thank you for your reply forever dad, I have read the extinction burst before. How long does it take for them to realise they won't get a reaction do you think? He hasn't phoned the children now in nearly 2 weeks and they are coping with it better than I thought but quite honestly you never really can be sure they are coping good with it I don't know. My 10 year old is like a different child entirely since he left she's gone from strength to strength, she's doesn't cry and argue over every small obstacle. She's become very emotionally resilient. I guess the one on one time I'm getting now with them all now my time isn't absorbed by him is helping.

 I am also not getting upset for longer than a few hours now too so I think that has also helped things to be settled in our home life. Boy am I glad I am not fretting over why he does what he does anymore,  I can't tell you how free I feel from this emotional hold he had over me.

Many thanks forever dad for taking your time to show me some direction it's much appreciated

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Happiness40

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #6 on: October 15, 2021, 05:24:11 PM »

Happiness40, while this reply is brief, you deserve  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) for how you handled this:

Really proud of you for not engaging with the "emotional word vomit" coming from him. It wasn't about specific logistics for the kids, so there was nothing you needed to say. Ignoring his message was a strong move, and you deserve kudos for that.

Am I putting the pieces together correctly, that the friend told you what your stbxH (soon-to-be-ex husband) sent? I am working to figure out how you found out what stbx sent the friend. Mostly in order to brainstorm -- how can you preserve your peace and calm, how can you minimize the mental intrusions so you can have some serenity in your life (and your head).

I can get you a brief transcript of what was spoken about mainly him playing the victim I guess there is no surprise's there. My fried didn't do any validating because she's pretty fed up with him this is the second time he has tried to get her involved in our dispute's and she's angry about what he has put me and our children through but she did remain polite.

I want to thank you for your reassurance that I made the right call to not engage with him and also for your praise in how I've handled it, at times I honestly thought I'd never get through the heart break and pain and at one point I nearly had a break down myself.....I am thankful to be in a much stronger and happier place now I am free from the dysfunction
« Last Edit: October 15, 2021, 05:29:41 PM by Happiness40 » Logged
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