Worried my BPD daughter will psychologically harm her young son

[momdog05]

I am looking for advice/support to make sure my grandson is safe. Please let me know if this is not an acceptable thread, as I am new to this forum.

My 34 year old daughter has a 3.5 year old son  and  just recently got her own place, which she struggles to maintain(sec 8, as she has been on disability since she was 26). She has a college degree, and other higher ed, but has never been able to hold a job.  Never married-dad is 35 and does share parenting time but is undiagnosed with mental health issues as well, and is also unemployed (he still lives with his parents, so has lots of support).

She has been in therapy for most of her life, including a lot of DBT with little/no improvement of her BPD symptoms/behaviors, which began at age 13. My concern is that she is unable to mange her emotions/dysregulation when she is with her son. When she is "on" she is a fantastic parent. When she is "off" she is short tempered, uses threats as a form of discipline, does not provide good nutrition (candy, donuts, fast food because cooking is too hard) and then turns on the "sunshine" letting him know how much she loves him after she has been downright mean in dealing with typical 3 year old behavior. He truly never knows which "mom" he will get on a day to day, minute to minute basis. It is a whiplash world for him. She often iss unable to care for him due to a variety of mental and physical health issues (migraines, fibromyalgia, emotional distress, etc.) so I take care of my grandson frequently. I am 63, retired from 34 years in high school sp. ed, and currently work part time to pay for full time day care for him to make sure he is out of harms way, and is provided with consistent, predictable routines and nutrition.

I am struggling with how to set boundaries on many levels. She is very verbally abusive to me, often accuses me of not being supportive or helpful in any way, even though my husband and I provide a great deal of support on all levels,  as well as frequent care for our grandson.(all the usual BPD stuff) If she is triggered, she will escalate in front of her son to the point that he will tell her to stop yelling and stop being mean to me, or start crying because he thinks he is in trouble. If he thinks someone is angry at him, he will run away with no ability to understand the danger he may be heading towards. In other words, he is not learning self-regulation skills.   I would love to move to low contact with her, except I am terrified for my grandson, and feel I MUST be there for him, to provide an environment that is safe and predictable. If I push to set boundaries, she instantly becomes dysregulated and then is unable to parent.

This little guy is amazing-smart, funny, athletic, but also VERY sensitive, so I fear he is being set up to be BPD himself.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone else who is dealing with this situation, and what they have found to be helpful. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome mumdog05. Your dilemma is one so many of us here share. Recently it has all been too much for me and I have just been dissolving into tears at the slightest thing! I'm not too worried about that - it has been years and years of coping and keeping on and I think the tears are probably a necessary release!

My gd is now 11. I won't go into all the background story, but gd has been week off with me all the time (week off with her dad). Around 18 months ago DD came home from a violent, ice using relationship. Earlier this year gd decided she was not going to go back to her dad's - really bad problems with stepmother.

We have the same issues: I am the target when there is any emotional trigger; huge swings in parenting which I have to sit by, bite my tongue and watch.

I work part time - teaching - to keep things afloat. I'm 72.

I think you are doing a great job in your circumstances! Having the child in a regular daycare situation is the best option I think - minimising the time he is exposed to the swings.

He also has a strong connection with you which is just so much better than many children of BPD parents have.

I understand the urgency to find a way to pull back from exposure to the abuse etc. Looking ahead though, at 3.5 it will not be long before your gs is in regular school and I am wondering if that is the time to work out a routine that supports both your gs and yourself?

Personally I have found with my BPD dd that I have had to be very low key and use a lot of 'quiet' strategies to protect gd from the full force of her mum's BPD.

It seems to work this way. Trying to work on a plan using reason and dialogue with DD is  - well impossible!

From my experience using a natural change such as the change of starting school to bring in other changes can work okay.

[PearlsBefore]

I share your frustration with DBT/CBT - over the past decade it has completely eclipsed ALL OTHER forms of therapy especially for those with BPD...and while it sounds like it works for 90% of cases, the rest of us are left wondering why we can't find alternatives.

I did recently attend a seminar on GPM, an alternative effort to treat BPD in line with APA guidelines - you can see the basics of the approach at https://www.bpdvideo.com/general-psychiatric-management or elsewhere. Haven't seen it in action of course yet, so don't know if it would work - but excited just to see a little more exposure for an alternative to CBT/DBT fanfare.