Our child prefers BPD mother

[Outback Sapphire]

Hi all,

Asking for advice here. Our 10 year old daughter (DD) has recently started to refuse to have sleepovers with us and we are not sure what the root cause is, or what approach to take.

My husband had DD with his BPD ex. I met DD when she was 3 and we have been raising her on half time (6 days/14) since she was 5 (court ordered). That's 5 years she has been consistently living half her time with us and her 3 y/o brother, our son together. It has been a fairly consistent, good solid five years with minimal drama until now, when she has realised she can say no to coming.

DD's mum is classic BPD: idealises or devalues. She has the emotional maturity of a very young, insecure child. DD appears to be viewed as an extension or mini of her much of the time. We wonder about parentification, especially when her mother is in "Waif" mode, and abuse (psychological when in "Queen" mode and physical in "Witch"). At her mum's DD is given a lot of power, toys, allowed to stay home from school when she "doesn't feel like it" and very little in the way of boundaries.

DD has recently said she does not want any more sleepovers at our house because she misses Mummy (but she still wants to come with us camping and on holidays...?). She has said she "can't be herself" at our house. She often vocalises unfavourable comparisons about our house. Essentially our house is vegetables and Mummy's house is candy mountain. We have boundaries, we are firm on them, and we give her what she needs over what she wants. She doesn't enjoy that.

Parental alienation is also a probable factor. DD has begun to parrot negative things about her grandparents which her mother has said, and we can see her beginning to withdraw from them. We are most likely also a target.

Any advice here? What does our DD need from us right now?

Many thanks

[zachira]

'Divorce Poison" is one of the best books on how to prevent/reverse parent alienation.

[Turkish]

DD has recently said she does not want any more sleepovers at our house because she misses Mummy (but she still wants to come with us camping and on holidays...?

That's interesting, what do you make of that? She likes fun time? She's a kid.

Legally where you are, is she really enabled to chose where she stays beyond the court order?

This is a pretty good book for talking to kids:

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

I read it and found it helpful to flesh out underlying emotions. There's a need which isn't being met.

I can imagine that it's frustrating if things have been going mostly OK the past 5 years.

[PearlsBefore]

Sounds like you're probably aware of Dr. Lawson already, so that removes my usual go-to advice for dealing with BPD mothers actively engaged with young children...so that gives you a headstart definitely (if I'm wrong and you haven't read Dr. Christine Lawson, do so of course).

Ultimately keep in mind that it's not a battle for the DD to prefer your husband/you over her mother, that's not the real goal of parenting - it's raising them properly, healthfully and healthily. Did you have a "psycho aunt" when you were young? I did...it was fun, everybody liked her the best because she was...practically a kid herself. Kids like crazy chaos sometimes.

[ForeverDad]

This does require a response.  I'm assuming there is a court order for the 6/14 parenting schedule?  Two thoughts come to my mind.

First, does she have a counselor?  That would provide a neutral outsider as daughter's as a neutral but trained resource.

I remember one incident recorded in Divorce Poison, page 140 near the end of chapter 5.  The 5 year old girl was too young to be convinced to take sides but was somehow forced to reject her grandparent.  (Needless to say, kids shouldn't be put in the middle.)

A five-year-old girl faced the same dilemma.  She figured out a unique solution to the conflict between her wish to be loyal to her mother and her love for her grandmother, whom she knew her mother hated.  She told her grandmother "I hate you," and then added that whatever she said was the opposite of the truth.  With this clever device, the girl could simultaneously gratify the need to align with her mother and express her love to her grandmother.

In my own history, I separated and then divorced when my son was a preschooler.  He consistently said he wanted to live with me and in the early years would typically resist going back to his mother and even sometimes be crying.  However,  eventually I did go back to seek custody (which I did get) due to ex's continued disparagement.  He was 9 years old, just about D's age.  I was surprised when I picked him up at an exchange one day and as soon as he got in my car he immediately blurted out that he wanted to keep equal time.  Hmm, now where did that come from? 

However, reality check, you're not likely to get her mother to agree to counseling.  Then, if forced, she'll probably try to control which counselor is chosen.

Without showing your cards too soon, you can research local counselors and select a short vetted list, keeping in mind which ones accept insurance which covers the child.  Then at the proper time, perhaps in court, provide the short list and ask mother to choose from that vetted list.  Court should like it since the selection process involves both parents.

Second, take it to family court if her mother does not support following the court ordered parenting schedule.  (Kids do not decide...)  Odds are H's order lists his custody as joint but doesn't detail how disagreements are resolved and so it defaults to mediation or court resolution.  (If H doesn't have Decision Making or Tie Breaker  status, then that is something he can seek to reduce future litigation.)

I recall one time in court I was trying to explain my son's behaviors.  The magistrate said something like, "Does your son get to decide whether he will go to school?  No!"  The point was that the parents decide, the child obeys the court order as well as reasonable parenting decisions.

She's far too young to decline an exchange or "vote with her feet" as sometimes courts allow older teens of driving age to do.

I do have a concern, if the resistance is overnights now, once that becomes a pattern what will be the excuse when it comes time for camping or holidays?

[Fian]

I would probably say something to the effect that that is not how family works.  You spend time with your family whether you are in the mood for it or not.  She really should be spending every day with you, but due to the divorce the court's compromise was the parenting schedule that you currently have.

[CoherentMoose]

In our case, the xBPDh is telling the kids they will get to choose when they turn 13 and he's angling for having them choose to stay with him.  The children tell us they like time with us without us asking.  We're the relaxing house they tell us.  We tell the children "The Judge" is the one who tells us where you will live and for how long.  Until "The Judge" changes his mind, nothing is going to change and our current week on, week off schedule will continue.  My GF is really good about telling them your job is to be a kid and enjoy being a kid.  And that they will always be welcome in our home. 

Due to several issues, like the one noted above, we are going to court to get the children into therapy.  He's refused to sign any therapy paperwork, but verbally agreed to it in front of a mediator.  And then refused to sign the paperwork when presented because he wanted to use insurance only therapists.  When we offered to pay, he stated he didn't want in-person therapy we had signed up for.  Getting the children into therapy is the first step in making sure the children have someone independent to talk too. 

Unless it's court ordered, consider insisting overnights have to happen because the Judge says so.  Also, if she's not in therapy, consider that resource too. 

Good luck. CoMo