First Post/ Introduction - grateful to have found this forum 3

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all,

First post.  I was sent this forum from my therapist.  My husband and are going to therapy to try and strengthen our marriage and be a united front for our daughter with BPD.  She recently turned 17 but was diagnosed about 6 months ago.  Generally they dont diagnose this young in our province (Canadian) but our psychiatrist was confident this was what was happening.

At first it felt like a relief.  I knew something was wrong - more than just typical teenage behaviour.  But now it feels even more overwhelming because I dont know how to parent this child.  It seems like she just walks all over me and I am parenting out of fear.

I have no one to talk to.  Our friends just say 'ground her or 'just make her go to school or 'strip her room of everything until she earns it back.  I know they mean well but we have tried all those things and it just makes things worse.  Not better.  I have stopped talking to anyone and I feel extremely isolated.

Our other daughter (16) is starting to show signs that she is not ok.  This is more typical teen behaviour but also may have some residual stuff from watching our oldest go through all this and the volatility of that relationship this past year.

I need a support group badly but with covid everything is shut down.  Ive been doing a lot on zoom meetings - but those are difficult as its hard to speak freely when the house is full.

I havent even read one post yet.  Just introducing myself and will dive in next.  xx

[Trying2Survive]

Hi all,

First post.  I was sent this forum from my therapist.  My husband and are going to therapy to try and strengthen our marriage and be a united front for our daughter with BPD.  She recently turned 17 but was diagnosed about 6 months ago.  Generally they dont diagnose this young in our province (Canadian) but our psychiatrist was confident this was what was happening.

At first it felt like a relief.  I knew something was wrong - more than just typical teenage behaviour.  But now it feels even more overwhelming because I dont know how to parent this child.  It seems like she just walks all over me and I am parenting out of fear.

I have no one to talk to.  Our friends just say 'ground her or 'just make her go to school or 'strip her room of everything until she earns it back.  I know they mean well but we have tried all those things and it just makes things worse.  Not better.  I have stopped talking to anyone and I feel extremely isolated.

Our other daughter (16) is starting to show signs that she is not ok.  This is more typical teen behaviour but also may have some residual stuff from watching our oldest go through all this and the volatility of that relationship this past year.

I need a support group badly but with covid everything is shut down.  Ive been doing a lot on zoom meetings - but those are difficult as its hard to speak freely when the house is full.

I havent even read one post yet.  Just introducing myself and will dive in next.  xx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Trying2survive and welcome to this family that understands the complexity of living with/loving and BPD child.

First of all can I say how much I understand the isolation that you feel, especially when this is something friends probably won't understand because it is a mental health issue. I remember the relief I felt when I took dd to a paediatric psychiatrist at around 15 or so and he said 'the normal behaviour management strategies probably won't work for you'.

I was so relieved because I was listening to others, trying out what they advised and yes it was making it much worse.

Have you read some of the material on this site? If you can that would be a good start. None of us are experts and we all have different experiences, different approaches. By reading other posts you can get an idea of what others think/do and then make your own plan.

Gosh I also can relate to working through fear.

It is good that you are connecting through zoom and able to get some support that way.

One of the words you hear a lot about is 'boundaries'. It's something I've really struggled with over the years, but I won't go into all that in this post - would take too long!

But one thing I read here really helped me: someone posted that it was better to see 'boundaries' as what was needed to protect you from the relentless chaos of trying to support someone with BPD.

That was such a help to me - it turned the focus to what I needed. Sometimes just a regular timeout helps one survive this journey.

If you would like to share more detail about what you are going through, we are hear to listen.

[PearlsBefore]

 
Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

If a psychiatrist is "confident" it's BPD, they're likely correct - that said, BPD has many symptoms of other disorders such anxiety disorders and haltlose personalities...ultimately it's going to be a steep learning curve.

One of the first things you'll grasp is that it's not a "borderline ill" diagnosis, it's so named because there was dispute whether they should be classified under the "Neurotic" or "Psychotic" category - so yes, it's pretty serious stuff. The good news is that while you have a rough few years ahead of you, getting some intervention at 17 is definitely a good step and typically the symptoms will peak in the young/mid 20s and then taper off...it's a lifelong condition, but the "cussing and hurling about of things" and more serious issues usually reduce naturally, and even moreso with treatment. You'll see a lot of references here to DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which is a BPD treatment designed by a high-functioning doctor who has BPD herself...I'd guess 90% of folk I've seen say it helped. It's a subset of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). That said, I'm among those who are not its greatest supporters because "our" case falls outside its apparent abilities. The "basic beginner book" most people here have read (and I think I've seen the author kicking around here, haven't I? Or was she on another forum?) is called "Walking on Eggshells",  it will give you the 101 explanations and a sigh of relief to recognise and pinpoint the issue...though again, it's all about managing the risks and limiting the liabilities, there's no magic "cure" available - though again, Godwilling you'll see a natural improvement over time and much more stable "lows" than if she wasn't getting any support over the next few years.

One of the reasons they don't like to diagnose in youth is because many of the telltale traits are actually normal for children and only a disorder if still present years later...so there can be doubt whether some of those are just because your child is a "late bloomer" still carrying some childlike confusion about the world, versus actually BPD.

Don't know which province you're in, I'm from out East but stuck in Ontario for the time being related to some BPD-related issues in the family. As a middle-aged father, I'm not the type to gush about talk therapy or support groups, but honestly the "Family Connections" program was a life-changer...to be able to go sit around a table with a dozen people who had faced the same challenges, to not need to preface my stories with "now you have to understand, she's got some strange ideas..." or why you've  got PTSD flashbacks just coming home and calling her name upstairs but not getting any answer. I suspect it also attracted a "higher calibre" of committed family caretaker (or perhaps just those more truly at the end of their rope) who was actually willing to drive out to the city centre for a few hours...something it's difficult to replicate with online webinars and support groups where people think it's just one more tab open on their laptop so aren't as fully engaged or committed...hopefully you're able to find those in-person groups. You can also PM me (envelope beside my username, you'll see responses appear in the worst-designed forum in the history of humanity in tiny letters saying "Pvt Mail (1)" at the top, ) if you're in Ontario or want help finding some basic Canadian resources.

Okay, I'm exhausted from typing all that - welcome.

[Trying2Survive]

Welcome to BPDFamily, happy to meet you, sorry you're here...

If a psychiatrist is "confident" it's BPD, they're likely correct - that said, BPD has many symptoms of other disorders such anxiety disorders and haltlose personalities...ultimately it's going to be a steep learning curve.

One of the first things you'll grasp is that it's not a "borderline ill" diagnosis, it's so named because there was dispute whether they should be classified under the "Neurotic" or "Psychotic" category - so yes, it's pretty serious stuff. The good news is that while you have a rough few years ahead of you, getting some intervention at 17 is definitely a good step and typically the symptoms will peak in the young/mid 20s and then taper off...it's a lifelong condition, but the "cussing and hurling about of things" and more serious issues usually reduce naturally, and even moreso with treatment. You'll see a lot of references here to DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which is a BPD treatment designed by a high-functioning doctor who has BPD herself...I'd guess 90% of folk I've seen say it helped. It's a subset of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). That said, I'm among those who are not its greatest supporters because "our" case falls outside its apparent abilities. The "basic beginner book" most people here have read (and I think I've seen the author kicking around here, haven't I? Or was she on another forum?) is called "Walking on Eggshells",  it will give you the 101 explanations and a sigh of relief to recognise and pinpoint the issue...though again, it's all about managing the risks and limiting the liabilities, there's no magic "cure" available - though again, Godwilling you'll see a natural improvement over time and much more stable "lows" than if she wasn't getting any support over the next few years.

One of the reasons they don't like to diagnose in youth is because many of the telltale traits are actually normal for children and only a disorder if still present years later...so there can be doubt whether some of those are just because your child is a "late bloomer" still carrying some childlike confusion about the world, versus actually BPD.

Don't know which province you're in, I'm from out East but stuck in Ontario for the time being related to some BPD-related issues in the family. As a middle-aged father, I'm not the type to gush about talk therapy or support groups, but honestly the "Family Connections" program was a life-changer...to be able to go sit around a table with a dozen people who had faced the same challenges, to not need to preface my stories with "now you have to understand, she's got some strange ideas..." or why you've  got PTSD flashbacks just coming home and calling her name upstairs but not getting any answer. I suspect it also attracted a "higher calibre" of committed family caretaker (or perhaps just those more truly at the end of their rope) who was actually willing to drive out to the city centre for a few hours...something it's difficult to replicate with online webinars and support groups where people think it's just one more tab open on their laptop so aren't as fully engaged or committed...hopefully you're able to find those in-person groups. You can also PM me (envelope beside my username, you'll see responses appear in the worst-designed forum in the history of humanity in tiny letters saying "Pvt Mail (1)" at the top, ) if you're in Ontario or want help finding some basic Canadian resources.

Okay, I'm exhausted from typing all that - welcome.

It was a long journey to this diagnosis and I am so grateful to the dr.  Technically because they dont officially diagnose till early adulthood, they call it emerging borderline.   The dr however said - this is what she has.  My dd has an uncanny ability to advocate for herself and it very articulate.  THANK GOODNESS.  So with the immense amount of information she was able to give the dr, he is confident in the diagnosis.  At the same time, she was also diagnosed with generalized anxiety and it was seriously affecting her ability to even leave the house most days.  SChool/work/everything was suffering.   Suicidal thoughts and very scary self harm behaviour was the turning point when I realized this was more than just an unruly teen.  She was put on medication to help the anxiety and this has been a game changer for her.  However, the BPD challenges still persist.

We finally got the call that she is next in line for the teen 'DBT' group therapy.  Intake appt next week.  This kid WANTS help.  She is always asking for books and reading material to help her understand.  While I dont think it will fix everything, I am grateful for some type of program that could help her moving into early adulthood.

Ive got a couple books but I will pick up the walking on eggshells.  Thanks for the recommendation.

I am in BC.  So far no parent support groups that meet in person that I can find but I am searching.  I am pretty desperate for that understanding and connection.

I relate to the PTSD.  It happens to me multiple times a day.  When the phone rings and it's her number is the most common.  I am always so scared of what the crisis is or how quickly I will need to 'rescue' her.  Its been such a hard year.

Thanks so much for the reach out.  I will definitely check in via PM soon.

[Trying2Survive]

One of the words you hear a lot about is 'boundaries'. It's something I've really struggled with over the years, but I won't go into all that in this post - would take too long!

But one thing I read here really helped me: someone posted that it was better to see 'boundaries' as what was needed to protect you from the relentless chaos of trying to support someone with BPD.

This is a hard one for me.  I can never sort out if I am putting up a healthy boundary or if I am abandoning her in her time of need.  Working on this and will look up some of the boundary topics xo