Adult Stepdaughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello everyone! My 19 yo adult stepdaughter has been diagnosed with BPD. She lives with us on the weekends. She’s been in and out of treatment centers across the country, multiple suicide attempts, self-harm/cutting to the point she has dozens of scarred lines up and down her arms, attempted OD last week, head banging and psychotic episodes. I have moved my 15 yo son out to live with my ex bc he was having nightmares and PTSD symptoms (he witnessed many of the psychotic episodes). This was heartbreaking but he he safe. My husband and I disagree on the care my SD needs. I believe she is a threat to herself and others.and I refuse to continue to enable by husband who enables her. She has no job and just spends all day in her room gaming or watching TV. She does NO DBT work/journaling as asked by her therapist. We are captive in our own home with all meds/sharps under lock and key.. I have moved out to my parent’s who live close by. Still  there is no incentive to change her safety plan or the current situation. What we have been doing for 3 years is clearly not working . It’s hard to keep my boundaries enforced to protect my other son and college aged daughter. She tends to have her most devastating episodes when I am there. I think bc she sees me as the co-dependent rescuer?. Can  anyone relate? Offer reassurance? How can I support my husband WITHOUT enabling and continuing the cycle? Divorce is not out of the question.

[athenaslantern]

Hello everyone! My 19 yo adult stepdaughter has been diagnosed with BPD. She lives with us on the weekends. She’s been in and out of treatment centers across the country, multiple suicide attempts, self-harm/cutting to the point she has dozens of scarred lines up and down her arms, attempted OD last week, head banging and psychotic episodes. I have moved my 15 yo son out to live with my ex bc he was having nightmares and PTSD symptoms (he witnessed many of the psychotic episodes). This was heartbreaking but he he safe. My husband and I disagree on the care my SD needs. I believe she is a threat to herself and others.and I refuse to continue to enable by husband who enables her. She has no job and just spends all day in her room gaming or watching TV. She does NO DBT work/journaling as asked by her therapist. We are captive in our own home with all meds/sharps under lock and key.. I have moved out to my parent’s who live close by. Still  there is no incentive to change her safety plan or the current situation. What we have been doing for 3 years is clearly not working . It’s hard to keep my boundaries enforced to protect my other son and college aged daughter. She tends to have her most devastating episodes when I am there. I think bc she sees me as the co-dependent rescuer?. Can  anyone relate? Offer reassurance? How can I support my husband WITHOUT enabling and continuing the cycle? Divorce is not out of the question.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Isabel2]

I can relate some to what you are saying.  I am also a step-mom of a 19 year old with BPD.  My biological kids did spend the last few years in the house with her and we did have to deal with many ways to try to protect them emotionally and psychology.  My husband's former wife had BPD and I believe it was very difficult for him to accept that his daughter suffered from the same illness.  My step-daughter is currently in college...we are hoping she says...she has been in and out of college and a psy. hospital during the past year.  My husband is on board with boundaries at this point she cannot come home for breaks because we have told her she needs to get a job (which she is not trying to get). She will not get her license, we live in the country so she cannot even potentially get to a job from our house and her dorm is open during breaks so she has a place to stay from which she can walk or take a bus to a potential job.  He did tell her she can come home for a few days over the holidays so my kids and I are going to an Airbnb. I don't think it is healthy for them to be around her right now due to high anxiety caused by her behaviors.
You may have already tried this but it took a couple of years for my husband and I to get on the same page and set boundaries that supported EVERYONE in the family and not just her. I did suggest and gave my husband a couple of books on emotional and psychological abuse for him to become more aware of exactly what the behaviors are that she does and how they are in fact abuse and manipulation.  We also went to counseling together...eventually the therapist was able to also work with him alone after he recognized the trauma/ anxiety he was dealing with due to her behaviors.  I feel that may have really helped him with some of the reality of the situation.  It is a difficult balance...I want to support my husband and understand how difficult it is for him since she is his biological child but I do not think it is fair for the rest of us to suffer and just accept her behaviors. We also had set up numerous ways we would support her if she takes steps to getting better (DBP) and adulting.  But so far she has chosen not to take that path. I hope you are able work things out and get your husband on board with some boundaries for the good of everyone involved including your step-daughter. I know our therapist has said enabling with not help her get better and sometimes for someone to try to get help to get better it takes hitting rock bottom.

[livednlearned]

It's really extreme what you're experiencing, and it has to be so hard for you, your S15 and older daughter. This aren't easy relationships and your SD19's BPD sounds acute.

She tends to have her most devastating episodes when I am there

How does your H feel about you staying with your parents?

It's tough that you're considering divorce. Does H know this?

[Lucky Lucy]

Ohhhh I can relate! Adult stepson (22) and rescuing / enabling husband here too!

It breaks husnand's heart to see his son sad and his son knows it and uses it.

Good luck! Luckily we have a beach house that is 70 min away from main residence and a weekend safe haven from my irritation with my stepson who WANTS WANTS WANTS, but does not study, work or see anything through. Oh and every 2 months he rotates his hatred between me and his bio mom. Lately he is ALWAYS not speaking to one of us! Lol