19 yr old son has BPD AND High Functioning Aspergers

[RockyMountainBon]

Hi, I'd like to introduce myself. I am only beginning to educate myself and understand BPD. After reading some traits in young adulthood, I probably could have been diagnosed with it myself, except I never had suicidal ideation. I didn't cut myself or bang my head on the walls, or what have you, but I did engage in risky behavior.

My concern at this time, is my 19 year old son who still lives at home. He was diagnosed with high functioning Asperger's at about the age of 11. I learned everything that I could absorb through professional therapy, reading books and of course, the internet. Asperger's run in his family; his dad, his half-sister, paternal grandfather all have been diagnosed as well. My son has never really had friends, though wants them. He is extremely intelligent (book smart) and is an amazing musician, able to play pretty much any instrument. Music is his life. As he was getting older, he became more and more impatient, angry, unstable, and started cutting and had suicidal ideations so much so that he was brought to the emergency room many times and over this past Labor Day weekend (Sept 3-7) he was brought to a facility on a 72 hour hold. They did not do much with him, they let him sleep almost the entire time. When they let him out, we picked him up hopeful that he would be able to have therapy for whatever ailed him, yet he seemed to fall through all the cracks. In the past year, he has had four jobs, his last one is current, but I'm worried he is going to lose this too as he seems to spend his time in the men's room instead of working, then complaining he is nauseated and they send him home. Maybe he is, I don't know, but this is reoccurring. He's only been working about two weeks.  Over the past couple of years, his rages have become out of control and he is unable to regulate himself. The last big fight, husband (dad) and he scuffled in his room. Dad is now being educated on BPD and what not to say/do. Dad has been frustrated and mostly, the focus of my son's "hatred". He has posted horrible, untruths about both of us on FaceBook and told friends, cops, family that his dad is abusive and I am an enabler. His dad is not abusive, but he is also Aspergery and doesn't connect emotionally to many. Sigh. So I've been doing so much research on both Asperger's and Borderline and their characteristics seem to merge into this one big, highly nervous, stressed out, emotionally uncontrolled being. I also know that DBT is a wonderful tool and I have purchased a workbook for myself (would like my entire family to use it too). I have found an online therapist that specializes in both Asperger's and BPD, but he is yet to sit with her (he says she keeps moving the appt). Sigh. My question is, is there anyone out there with experience in having this in their lives? My son is my first priority (over my oldest daughter) at this point. So I'm going to focus on helping him and if anyone can help me, I would be very grateful to read your comments.

Warmly,
Bon

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi RockyMountainBon, just wanted you to know your post was seen! Welcome to the group.

While I don't have personal experience with having a child with both Aspergers and BPD, there is a thread here discussing similarities and differences:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=21363.0

I believe a couple of posters had both diagnoses.

Does your son accept his Aspergers diagnosis? He sounds a little less accepting of the BPD diagnosis, did I read that correctly?

And is your daughter still living at home, or is she living elsewhere?

You have a lot on your plate, to put it mildly! What are you able to do for self care these days?

Check back in whenever works for you... no stress.

kells76

[RockyMountainBon]

Hi Kels,

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. And yes, it seems from an early age, I always had a lot on my plate. I would not be surprised if I suffered from Borderline Personality traits growing up because of the way I handled my childhood/teenage years and young adulthood. I had childhood cancer that manifested at the age of two. My mother is a diagnosed covert narcissist, my dad was a strict enabler. My teenage years were tumultuous and I had a first love that ended our relationship after about year when he left me for an older woman. In reality, I know I dodged a bullet there, but it was heartbreaking at the time.

My son has understood from an early age that he has Asperger's and he has worked with therapists through a school program after he was being bullied and harassed by most of the kids in his grade. He's incredibly intelligent and empathetic, but very socially inept. His BPS ride has just begun, this is all new to him but I think he is relieved with the diagnosis. And for sure, it has helped us in our responses to him. A major difference in our household. We're working very hard on listening to him 100% and not judging him.

My adult daughter is going to be 40 at the end of this year. She recently moved with her family (new husband & her 4 kids) from Colorado to Maine with not more than a month's decision. This has been heartbreaking for me, mostly because of the kids. She and I always had a difficult relationship, because my mother chose her for her "golden grandchild" and pitted her against me my entire life (I have not had a relationship with my mother since 2006). She comes back/forth into my life and the last time was when she decided to move her and her kids to Colorado after 2 weeks of visiting. I was ecstatic, but she was really looking for someone to help her get out of her relationship with her current husband and father of her four kids. This was two and a half years ago, she moved out this past August (2021). I spoke to her a handful of times since, but nothing in about a month.

So yes, life has been a struggle, but I've always been optimistic. I have a great job working with great people. This is my escape at this time. I have also struggled with addictions, but I'm working diligently on that. I appreciate your inquiry as to what I do for self-care. It's only been this year that I have actually started thinking about my self-care. Things are changing for the better though, in this regard. I'm aware of how important it is.

I look forwarding to reading about what other posters discussed in a thread regarding Aspergers and BPD.

Thanks again for reaching out.
Bon