Tipping point: I want out

[Letloverule]

I’ve been posting on the Staying forum for years.
I’ve reached a tipping point, and now I’m scared.

For the last few years, SOwBPD got on mood stabilizers. There was positive changes- the splitting didn’t happen often, and when it did, she recovered well. Home life got very predictable, I worked, she stayed home, bought a house, preparing for a child.

8 months ago she had a complete melt down and said we would not have children. That I would be completely unfit as a mother and damage the child.
Wake up call: I don’t want children. Not with her.

Shortly after, she said she’s going back to work since we’re not having children. She took a 100% traveling job - gone for 4 weeks at a time, home time for 5 days, back on the road.
This entire time she’s been gone, I feel my life coming back to me. I do what I want, I spend time with myself, I’m knowing myself.

We talk regularly when she travels, and the distance makes our conversations fun, light, no arguing.
But every time she comes back for 5 days, I’m filled with dread. The house is not clean enough, I’m lazy, I’m a child. While she’s out there for weeks at a time, working, away from home, lonely, etc.
And every time she comes back, I try to have hope- this time will be better. It’s not better.

She was here last weekend. It was tense. I was trying but my heart is tired. She made a nasty comment about something small, I was fed up and gave it right back to her. What followed was disaster- she shoved me, slapped me hard so that the inside of my lip cut open.

I left the house and said I’d be back in 30 min. An old boundary from years ago when she would slam and throw things.

I came back and it was non stop insults. She said you’re not a wife anymore and you’re not even my friend when I come home.
Honestly, I agree .I don’t want to be her wife. I said “at the very least, you should feel like I’m your friend”. Another escalation- she threw apples at me. I said I have love for you but I’m not capable of being your wife. At this point she was completely drunk.

I left again and she said don’t come back.
So I got a hotel room. Two hours later she called and screamed where the hell are you get back here right now

Unfortunately I went back. It continued. I didn’t know what to do. She was leaving the next morning and I just wanted morning to come. She was continuing to drink and continuing to tell me how useless I am. How I don’t care. How she will kill herself. When I said I’m going to call 911, she demanded my phone and I refused. She meandered into more lectures, spitting at me, trying to kick me. This would go on for 30 mins, she would walk away in silence, and then start again. My dogs were staying close to me. She would scream “I raised these dogs. Get away from them” they would keep following me. At one point she picked them up and took them into the bedroom with her.

She finally fell asleep. I was exhausted and I wanted to sleep. I kept my car keys and wallet in my pocket as I tried to rest.
Morning came and she got ready to leave. I got ready to work and she said I am sorry. I was seething. But I didn’t know how to respond. After she left, she called and said how ashamed she felt. Again I didn’t respond. This was more than traumatic for me.

She has been gone for 4 days and I’m relieved. But she talks on the phone like this was just another one of her episodes. But something has changed for me. I’m lost- I want out.

[JenDine]

I don't blame you.  It sounds really toxic.  Reading this reminded me of the Depp/Amber heard situation.  Maybe you should move out for your own safety and sanity.  I would do it while she is away but call her and tell her before she returns.  It it's safe then you could be at the apt when she gets home and tell her you moved out.

[NotAHero]

 Look at the positive : you don’t have children.

 Start working on your financials to be able to leave.  I agree with the advice do it while she is away. 

[AskingWhy]

Many of us stay in relationships out of habit.  There is a comfort.  And there is a history.  But can be a straw that breaks the camel's back. Only you know what that straw is.  Often this is domestic violence (and your case clearly is) to an over the top verbal attack.  Then a straw can be just a seething dirty look.

I wish you the best to be strong in all of your decisions.  Being with a partner with BPD is an exercise in misery.

[ForeverDad]

Recently a member here made a post that someone the member knew said, "You bought the ticket for the roller coaster ride."  His observation, "Yes, but I don't have to stay on the repeats and I get to decide when I will get off the endless ride."  Or something like that.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Letloverule,

Just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing now, a few days out from all that really tough stuff? Are you safe?

We encourage our members to have safety plan in place in the event that things escalate like they did the other night. Do you have one, and if so, can you share it? Having your keys and phone on you at all times is a good start. Safety first!

Wools