Stepson (22) BPD and I feel confused and loathe him

[Lucky Lucy]

My stepson is 22. He tried to study, but gets "anxiety" before exams, so he quit after wasting a lot of money over three years. He does not work or attempt to find a job. He lies (or at least exaggerates) about me (his stepmom) and would tell his (also BPD) bio mom that I scold him (which I have never done). He tells his dad I have ruined his life (although he says the same about his bio mom when he splits against her.)

My stepson hurts my husband so much! My husband loves him and tries everything to launch him into adulthood, but then he "rewards" my husband (his dad) by taking an OD of his meds or lashing out against me. (My stepson quit ALL his meds now, by the way. Did it help anyway?)

To be honest, I resent my stepson. I have even worried that he might do something to me... although he has only spewed hatred and abuse verbally so far.

I know I can never win against a BPD person. I know that I should stay neutral when there is an episode. I know my attempts to stand up for myself or defend myself against his lies, simply gives him more ammunition. But how do I cope? How do I face this boy (man!) whom I resent for so many reasons and who drains us so much! I feel I would not be able to face him ever again after all the nasty lies of this last episode.

I have reached a point where I simply tell my husband to stop defending me (which he does tirelessly and with no success when there is an episode) and to tell his son he would speak to me about whatever issue my stepson has with me. (Feeding my resentment, because I feel wronged.)

I feel powerless.

I know another episode will come: he is always waiting for me to say or do the wrong thing.

I feel sorry for my husband who loves him, while also mourning the loss of a "normal" fully fledged son who would study and work and not take an OD of tablets up to three times per year.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lexsmith]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  My adult daughter wBPD is awful to me and my husband (not her father).  She has put lies and horrendous things about us on social media.  I am thankful that my husband doesn't allow her to harm our relationship, but he absolutely hates her.  I don't blame him at all, and I certainly don't blame you.  We have tried to encourage her to get help, but she doesn't think she has a problem at all.  In fact, she believes the therapist that diagnosed her was scheming with me to come to that conclusion - it is crazy.  At this point, I want nothing to do with my daughter, but she is constantly inserting herself into my life in one way or another.  I do not contact her at all, but she sends me abusive text messages throughout the week.  I ignore them and probably need to block her phone number.  It is sad, heartbreaking, and extremely frustrating.  We can't fix the situation, and if she doesn't want help, our hands are tied.  Can you go no-contact with him?  That would be my suggestion.