Help I am surrounded by BPD

[Msparky]

Hi,

I am new to this site and I am at the end of my tether and just need some advice from people who may understand what is happening.  After a 30 year relationship and then marriage to my ex-Husband, who suffers from BPD, amongst other things, and after years of torment, lies and deceit and finally an exposed affair, I found the courage to leave him.  I tried my very best over the years to help him (enabling him I now think), but he didn't want to help himself and I knew that the stability I was giving him was masking his true self and keeping a lid on his personality, which has now come out like you would not believe since our split. We have two children together who are now 16 and 21, my 16 year old Son came to live with me and our Daughter went to live with Dad, bad mistake! The ex attempted suicide after our split and has stalked, harassed and threatened me since that time.  I have since met a lovely man, who is the complete opposite and I am very happy in this relationship.  My ex found out about this and has attacked him on more than one occasion, resulting in me getting a non-molestion Order against him and I have a Police alarm in my house in case he turns up.  As you can see, our kids have gone through the mill so much in the past 3 years.  Only 2 weeks ago my Son got a call from his Dad after school to say that he was going to kill himself, he was heartbroken and we had to contact the Police to see if they could find him.

My Son is very level headed and takes after me in many ways, he is laid back, caring and a brilliant Son. My Daughter and I have been so close over the years but she felt she had to 'go and look after' Dad after his suicide attempt.  My Daughter is very much like her father and has suffered mental health issues in the past.  The last 2 years have been hell with her, she is jumping from one abusive relationship to another, doing drugs, drinking all the time, can't hold down any friendships, can't hold down a job and is so manipulative.   She has started to self-harm and has made one attempt at suicide.  She has now moved back with me and I have set boundaries from the beginning, i.e. no friends around the house when I'm not in, trying to find a job, helping her with her finances with a plan to get her own place next year. I have tried so hard to get her the help she needs, her GP is fantastic and rings her/me regularly and after her suicide attempt, she was referred to a mental health service and given medication (which she takes as and when she feels like it).  We saw a mental health Nurse and it was a really good session and she and I both felt that she was turning a corner. Last weekend I went away with my partner and even though one of her boundaries is not to have friends around when I'm not here, I trusted her with a key and she let me down, badly.  I have cameras at home mainly as security against my ex, so she knew that I would know she was breaking the rules by having a group of people she hardly knew (although she clings to anyone who shows her any affection/attention).  As soon as I confront her with anything, she goes on the missing list for days on end and blames me one way or another. I will get the odd message from her to say she's coming home and I get all psyched up waiting for her and to know she is safe and then ... nothing. I am at my wits end, she cares for no-one and has no respect for anyone else's feelings.  I love her so much but at the same time I am so angry with her.  I haven't slept for days, I don't even know where she is. I have a 'sick to my stomach' feeling every day. She managed to get herself a job which she was supposed to start 2 days ago, she didn't go.  I bought her a car for her 18th and I'm paying all her bills every month, despite being a single Mum trying to keep a mortgage going, she is draining me both emotionally and financially.  This is taking it's toll on my Son who doesn't want her here because she causes chaos and he is studying for his GCSE's next Summer.  Despite everything, he loves his Dad and spends the weekends with him, but I worry so much about him and the effect that all this is having on him.  My new partner is very strong and principled and he can't understand why I keep going back for more, we have so much planned and I can't do it because I'm torn.  Please, if anyone can point me in the right direction, I would be so grateful.  I have been reading some of your posts and you are all so brave in dealing with this awful disorder.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Welcome to the place where we all deal with chaos all the time Msparky.

Your post brought back so many memories. The first time I posted here I think I was up and waiting, with that sick feeling in the stomach - where is she; is she safe?

I was relieved to find others who understood and who were dealing with the same chaos. My DD lives in the moment, drawn to anyone who will focus on her. I remember posting here about one time when she was a teenager I asked her 'Do you feel bad when you are not the centre of attention?' Her answer was 'I feel like I want to die'.

When I look back I realise I made quite a few mistakes - but then again, DD just forges ahead, just acting in the moment.

Things I wish I had done:
- said 'no' to her bringing a boyfriend to stay in my home (I agreed to this after a counsellor more or less indicated it was a good idea - it might be for others but not BPD people!)

I wish I had set boundaries around money; I don't think I could have completely cut her loose, but I should have said - I am paying for this, this etc and that is all. Don't ask.

Things I don't regret:
DD is low functioning and I was told by a paediatric psychiatrist that she would probably never be able to hold down a job (he was right) so I don't regret providing a roof over her head and basic foods etc.

I wonder if you have a counsellor you can work with?

One thing I haven't mentioned here is that when the anxiety was so intense for me, I actually found the Bach Flower remedies (for me) really good. Red chestnut, the one for intense concern for the welfare of others was great - and I always have it on hand now.

You post brought back all those long nights of intense anxiety - feeling like I was going to literally fall apart.  When I get like that - and I still do sometimes - I head for the red chestnut!

Keep in touch. Lots of hugs from someone who shares your pain and grief.