Holidays and My Heart

[Oceanfish]

The holidays. Goodness. Every year since forever, I have purchased new pajamas for my daughter. After she moved out on her own, the tradition continued. And when we lived in different parts of the country, we continued to have fun with this tradition.
She has always been fragile, but after a rape and the deaths of three close friends, her father and her dog, she slipped away. She's been hospitalized once, that I know of. She estranged herself from me a few years ago, citing a number of things that I've done and denied. (They didn't happen, but if I deny them, it's further evidence that I'm horrible and deny it.) In any event,  I was a tipping point for her mental health issues. Perhaps I am. But I am honestly at a loss. I've worked with two therapists and read books on BPD to try to figure out both the disorder and how I am the root. I've offered to pay for therapy for the two of us and certainly therapy for her if she's ever in a position to not have access to it.
I suppose I'll always get a catch in my throat as I walk by the pajama section of a department store during Christmas.
If you are struggling with the holidays because of your beloved BPD, I wish you peace and patches of joy. The season is not forever. It will pass. And there are so many things to be thankful for. Right?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

The holidays were my favorite for many years. I loved making them special for others. Issues arose with BPD MIL and it became territorial...H felt torn and miserable around holidays. We began to split time, fight, and piece things together as best we could. I began to dread holidays and birthdays.

This year my 3 teens are not speaking to me and I'm facing my first holidays without them. We used to do pajamas on Christmas Eve. It breaks my heart. It's so sad to let go of traditions and memories and feel little but pain where there was joy.

In time, I know I'll build new memories. Holidays hold so much idealized expectation and pressure. I know there is always something to be thankful for. Many people find holidays difficult, or they don't have family to celebrate with, so we've gathered a little bunch of single friends that usually gather. Im anticipating a lot of sadness around Christmas especially so we are planning a trip to the beach from Dec 25 thru New Years, just me and H.

I'm trying to stay centered but it doesn't make the tears stop. You're not alone.