approaching mediation for split couples

[poppy2]

Hi Conflicting Board,

I would like to try and get my ex into mediation. I still have the belief that it is possible for us to work things out, and honestly, it gives me a hopeful feeling to imagine this. I need hope atm since we're going into a very bad Lockdown/winter in my country. I won't go into all the details of the breakup and all its ambiguities, double binds and mixed messages... I did recently feel my ex was checking up on me on social media and its very confusing to think someone rejected me but also is interested in me somehow. That is what provoked these thoughts.

The problem is we have had a massive conflict to do with a) me accusing her of sexual assault and b) her denying this and saying I'm just being a stalker to try and talk to her. This was three months ago, it destabilized me very badly to have her deny the assault (which, at the time, she recognized), and I have much trouble 'interpreting' her behaviors pre and post breakup with the person I thought I knew. I don't know if I've been painted 'black' or if she has calmed down by now.

I am curious, if I try some good manipulation I. e. BPD communication strategies, if I find a way to 'lead' we can exit this PLEASE READty situation where we both check each other's social media but noone will reach the other. I know I cannot change her mind but I do wonder if I approach it in the right way if she will basically soften back to a normal spectrum of behaviour. Honestly I'm very afraid of being rejected by her again, I never understood in the first place why she would reject me so badly, I can only assume it's extreme emotions and BPD hatred rather than the way she consistently feels.

So I wanted to invite her to mediation with my therapist. I wanted to tell her the last six months have had a very bad effect on my mental health and to ask for her help. Basically, even though she is a kind of perpetrator/traumatizer, I would like to find a language that acknowledges her reality first, to bring her to the table.

I guess I want to do this because the idea that I'm just an object she used and then discarded is so immensely hurtful I would like to believe in another solution. So far, she hasn't shown any willingness for that solution, but there have been some door cracks left open by her as well. I think she is just incredibly immature in some areas and leaves situations as she cannot repair them. Ppl are complicated.

I know the most strategic thing is - work on myself and let her come to back to me if she wishes. But that isn't really fair. I feel like the mental distress this has caused me will end up in me being hospitalized, and I say that after trying therapy for 3-4 months. I have had to ask myself if she would even care learning about this.. I would of course prefer to avoid it. I'm grasping at straws here.

I'm also trying to be realistic and wonder - what could be her motivation for seeing me? I want to talk about 'difficult' things. I don't support her in her slow and sensitive pace. I am a 'threat' in terms of having seen her bpd and intimacy fears, which she really tries to hide. And probably other things to do with her personal psychic situation. Could anyone please help me brainstorm a possible scenario where she does want /is ready to talk to me?

This may seem desperate or hopeless, I don't feel desperate but I am hopeless :/ unresolved conflicts hurt me so much. And last night I dreamt of her new flat... around 3-4 weeks before she blocked me on everything she had invited me to live with her, my psyche hasn't forgotten. It's so difficult, isn't it?

[ForeverDad]

It appears you're not willing to end the relationship?  I'll give an advisory and then a description of what often becomes the practical solution.

The person with BPD (often never officially diagnosed) typically has an all or nothing perception... love or hate... love bomb or total rejection... abuser vs victim.  Alternating extremes are common.  PwBPD react and overreact to subjective feelings and perceptions, whereas the facts and reality are generally your hopes and dreams getting dashed.  What that means is you're very unlikely to get a good outcome.  Not impossible, but probably unlikely.

About that "unresolved conflict"... A lot depends on whether you've been permanently negatively "painted black".  If that is the case then you will have to grant yourself Closure and then Move On with your life... elsewhere.

Maybe your attempt at mediation could work — for example, try to avoid triggering her, definitely a huge task — but be prepared in case it backfires.  If you try to get her to admit to an assault and without any independent corroboration such as a witness or a recording of the incident or an admission, she could do the opposite and accuse you of assaulting her.  (Remember the BPD perspective... "It's All Your Fault!")  Want to guess who — the man or the woman — would be more likely to get default preference in court?

[poppy2]

Hi foreverdad,

Thanks a lot for your reply. I try to keep all of these facts about BPD in mind, and I realize im tilting at windmills here. I imagine I'm painted black but then I didn't understand how she would check my social media or post lots of songs about our relationship.. I know this isn't really 'evidence', I'm just wondering if it means she's calmed down from being so triggered.

Of course I should just give myself closure and move on for my self-respect, but I find it emotionally incredibly difficult to do this. That's why I'm trying to imagine other options. The thought of it being 'all my fault' is kind of incredible. I know not to validate the invalid, but do you have any experience or past topics of how to agree (it's not their fault) to make peace while also not becoming a doormat (agreeing it's my fault)? I'm curious how to accomplish this.

Thanks a lot
poppy