I Am Afraid for My Grandchildren

[ChiefGreer]

My daughter has severe bipolar disorder, depressive and I am beginning to think some form of BPD. Her husband is on the autism scale, is severely adicted to video games and does and believes whatever she tells him. They have four children: 6, 5, 4, and 2.  We have been the primary care givers for the children for their entire lives until a month ago when my daughter suddenly cut off contact with us after I did something (she won't tell me what) that she says was hurtful. She also maintains that this thing I did is ruining their lives and it is all my fault.  My biggest concern it that she has an absolute phobia about taking care of her kids in any way. She and her husband do not allow them to leave the trailer they live in, ever, unless someone else takes charge of them. The kids are all still in diapers and the oldest one has chronic infections from not being changed in a timely manner. My daughter works all day and their father watches them. They claim that they homeschool them but the kids are only allowed out of their rooms for meals or to sit on the couch and watch TV. Today my husband tried once again to arrange to at least visit them but he was turned down and told "we never help them." I would be grateful for any insight from anyone about what I might be dealing with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MissingMyJoy]

Hi ChiefGreer  ,

What a horrible situation your grandchildren are in.  It sounds like they are missing out on socialization, behind in basic education and basic self grooming.  Terrible red flags  .

The most vulnerable and important years of life for any child is birth to 6 years old.  Everything they are experiencing will affect them for a lifetime.  Constant infections of the 6 yr old and the lack of potty training will keep this child from attending any school. 

In all honesty, I would call child services and report the situation.  If you do, be prepared to fight for the children as their caretaker and take on the role of the parents.  I wish I had an easier option; however, this situation is terrible for your grandchildren.

Prayers for you 
MissingMyJoy

[Sancho]

I am so sorry for your situation ChiefGreer. It is so distressing for you, your husband, the little ones . . . .

I have experienced something of what you are going through - gd whisked off to strange houses with BPD dd to be with whoever dd has teamed up with - usually young men with problems of an equal magnitude.

The anxiety I felt at times was unbearable.

When it first started to happen gd was around 3 I think. One thing your grandchildren have is that they are together - I think that helps.

So many thoughts of what to do. My thought process went something like:

- dd doesn't stick with things for long.
-if I make any comments or try to contact she will be alienated more and this will prolong her wanting to be in charge.
 - my best bet is if I act as if I don't mind at all about the situation
- eventually she will drop gd back into my care - loudly stating things like 'It's just for  . . . '

This worked in my case.

In your case it is different because it relies on the father and his lack of parenting ability.

Just a couple of questions:

Has this happened before and if so, how long was it before the children were back in your care?
Do any of the children have special needs - to all be in diapers is huge and unusual.

It the situation becomes prolonged, I don't think I would contact child welfare myself. Is there someone else who could do this that could remain anonymous? 

Are there any neighbours who are aware of the situation?

I suppose what I am saying is that, if this situation does continue for an extended period of time, is there any arms-length way that authorities could be contacted?

For example - here people who are home educating have to have their children enrolled as home educated and people come out to look at what they are being taught etc. Are there any laws like that around education that you could call on - I imagine the eldest is of legal school age and therefore should be being monitored or enrolled somewhere?

I am sorry I am clutching at straws - but your situation is just terrible and I am hoping perhaps brainstorming ideas might help in some way.

I have always looked for indirect ways to bring about things as I felt it was better for gd if I didn't alienate her mum.

Please keep in touch and you are so much in my heart and mind . . . .

[Sancho]

Ps Have they always lived in the trailer - ie did you go there and care for them, or were they living with you and this is a new situation?

[ChiefGreer]

Thanks everyone.There has been some good news. My daughter says that  she is going to  put the children in school in January, which means she will  have to potty train at least the two oldest ones. She is also letting my son, who has a daughter of his own, see her kids a couple of times a week, so I know that they have some positive interaction during those visits. I learned today that she is taking oral contraceptives for the first time in her life and I am wondering if adjusting to the hormones in them is exacerbating her problems. It was a long time ago but I remember going through some pretty emotional things when I was on the pill.

[Sancho]

Great news ChiefGreer! That is a range of positive things that can really make a difference.

Yes you might be right about the meds - particularly if she is someone who is sensitive to meds.

I hope the good news keeps coming and you get to see your dear Grandchildren over the Christmas season.

Keep in touch.

[ChiefGreer]

Not surprisingly, the holidays have been a rollercoaster. My daughter surprised us this morning by saying my husband could see the kids on Wednesday. We were excited and he asked about bringing gifts. Her response was, "It depends. What are they?" I should say, as background, that my daughter favors gifts made of plastic with the lastest cartoon charactors. We have no problem with this but have been working with my son this year to create handmade gifts for the children, to supplement a nationwide Musuem membership that we are giving all the grandchildren. My daughter became very angry about this, eventhough it is pretty much what we all decided together to do last year. She called the gifts "PLEASE READ," and is now reconsidering letting my husband see the children.

[Elizabeth22]

Hi ChiefGreer   

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, and I can relate.
I just want to say something here and I hope it helps - please seriously consider and alternative to calling social services, in my experience they always do more harm than good- in my personal situation and in general. I am a lawyer tho I am not offering this as legal advice, just letting you know how I have extensive experience with CPS.

What I would consider instead, if it becomes necessary , is to consult with a lawyer if you can and take out a guardianship for the children.

I cannot stress enough how destructive CPS is.

Wishing you all the best.

Elizabeth22