Trying to Navigate My Kids BPD Mom

[coparent3604]

Trying to manage my 16yr old kids mom and her BPD. The right visitation...who can help determine this? This cycle we have been living for so many years and the chaos it creates is something I should have taken a firmer stand on long ago. I didn't, but I am trying now. She says things to the kids like " my motivation to get better is seeing you, when I don't see you I have no motivation". After years of excuses, ignoring the diagnosis, or simply putting blame on everyone else...here we are. My sons want to see their mom better and at 16 are grasping at ideas and things to "try". I am stuck. My empathy and my heart is with my kids, but my head tells me something else. There is not a therapist involved (we are getting one), but Is there another third party to speak with? An arbitrator? Going to court? These decisions are bigger than them and shouldn't be their burden. They push back on me with what I say because they are grasping at solutions. I see them willing to give in to her in order to avoid her wrath or tantrum she will inevitably throw. 

[PearlsBefore]

Harsh love you already know: "Ya done screwed up, leaving it this late"

One of the difficulties you're going to face is that the child is 16, even if you embark down the path of an arbitrator or court...nothing's going to be decided before your sons turn 18 anyways (I'm reading they're both 16 or near enough)...at which point the order means nothing and is just one more "suggestion" in their lives and hers that all parties are free to ignore, unfortunately.

I would say your sons might be right to push back at you when you criticise them for giving in to avoid her wrath, not because you're wrong, but because they (and you, and me) know it's quite likely how you handled her for years yourself, giving in. For better or worse, sometimes we just cave in and take the nonsense instead of standing up for ourselves - yes we WISH our sons would do differently, but chiding them for doing exactly what we unfortunately raised them to do is just going to engender resentment that they're criticised for doing what you did when you were older than they were.

You're in a rough place, I'm not trying to be harsh but yeah...there's not a good answer; kids shouldn't need to feel responsible for their parents' mental health, but in families with BPD...it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that they will.

Is it possible you have any in-laws that understand her situation and might be helpful as unofficial mediators? She may be more accepting of them advising her to forego certain ideas and try others, than she would be hearing it from you or the boys.

[GaGrl]

What are the current custody and visitation agreement?

Your first priority needs to be the safety, security, and emotional health of your sons. If your ex rages at them or has temper tantrums (even if not directed at them), it's not a healthy environment.

Therapy is probably your best bet, with someone who can help your sons understand their limits in being able to change her or make this be better.

[ForeverDad]

What helps?  Education.  That is, education for those around the person with BPD (pwBPD) or whatever _PD it might be.  The difficulty is that the pwBPD resists or sabotages proper Boundaries.  So our only recourse is for us to apply boundaries to ourselves.  How so?  Review our threads on Boundaries over on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

There are lots of examples there.  I often give an over-simplified example such as this:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Ponder how you or your children can apply Boundaries to yourselves as a response to poor behaviors by the mother.

This certainly won't fix everything.  And surely she will obstruct and sabotage your efforts as much as possible.  But over time their mother may realize there are limits to whatever chaos and outrageousness that will be allowed.

As for court, it may adjust the current custodial or parenting order (its version of setting enforceable boundaries) to further reduce or address the problems but it doesn't try to fix the parents.

From the many experiences reported here, while it is possible for a pwBPD to improve over time, the individual can't fake therapy or claim a few sessions is all that's needed.  Long term therapy such as Dialectic or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (DBT or CBT) is the accepted approach but whether their mother will cooperate with it and apply it is the determining factor.