My BPD WIFE WANTS TO DIVORCE

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

New here and just started educating myself about BPD and how my spouse of 18 years and our Rollercoaster relationship plays like the typical linebook of BPD affected and their partners. She had one affair and we worked it out through love and forgiveness and of course it is all my fault as I am "the narcissist" that has tortured her and made her feel worthless for 20 years. We have 2 children who are affected by the whole thing but she thinks it is our marriage affecting the kids. I am not perfect but am generally a very loving caring forgiving man who gets frustrated and angry w my BPD spouse.
She wants a trial separation and divorce and is already "just chatting" with a guy "friend in a similar situation".

I'm scarred by her prior affair and the more I learn about BPD realize I should allow her the space and even probably proceed w the divorce but I still love her and don't want to disrupt our family as dysfunctional as it is.

Her entire family sees her mmkd swings and behaviors and we all walk on eggshells. Her mother is my closest ally.

Anyone ever make it thru such a situation ? I'm hoping for a rainbow at the end and need support from you all

[Antonio123]

New here and just started educating myself about BPD and how my spouse of 18 years and our Rollercoaster relationship plays like the typical linebook of BPD affected and their partners. She had one affair and we worked it out through love and forgiveness and of course it is all my fault as I am "the narcissist" that has tortured her and made her feel worthless for 20 years. We have 2 children who are affected by the whole thing but she thinks it is our marriage affecting the kids. I am not perfect but am generally a very loving caring forgiving man who gets frustrated and angry w my BPD spouse.
She wants a trial separation and divorce and is already "just chatting" with a guy "friend in a similar situation".

I'm scarred by her prior affair and the more I learn about BPD realize I should allow her the space and even probably proceed w the divorce but I still love her and don't want to disrupt our family as dysfunctional as it is.

Her entire family sees her mmkd swings and behaviors and we all walk on eggshells. Her mother is my closest ally.

Anyone ever make it thru such a situation ? I'm hoping for a rainbow at the end and need support from you all

[hurtnyer]

I'm going through a similar situation with my wife of 34 years. I was just 15 when we stared dating  and didn't realize what i was encountering. I started therapy because she  insisted i was a narcissist and I was ruining her life. Although I have my own issues because of my upbringing, three separate therapist told me my wife possibly has BPD and that I'm definitely not a narc. I love her deeply but the constant fighting is making me depressed and it is so hard to leave her. I feel like I still need to protect her, but at what cost to my mental health?

[ForeverDad]

The consensus here is that if the person with BPD behaviors (pwBPD) does not seek and apply therapy in the person's perceptions, thinking and overall life then... yes, the relationship remains dysfunctional enough that the marriage implodes.

Understand that the legal system does not try to 'fix' either spouse or parent.  It deals with them as they are.  The family court system is there to guide the spouses while the marriage is being unwound.  Court does little or nothing if the marriage continues, unless it takes action on abusive behavior such as DV or child abuse.

I recall during the start of my separation and divorce process that my now-ex's lawyer questioned me in testimony whether I wanted my spouse back.  Clueless me, I fortunately said, "No, not the way she is."  I realized later that if I had said yes then he could have turned to the judge and proclaimed, "See? He wants her back under his control.  He's a controller."

So while your impulse to want the marriage to succeed and the damage healed, your spouse may claim your Nice Guy inclinations are abusive or controlling.  Does that perspective make sense?  So with all your actions, ponder which ones, despite your good motives, might be slanted against you.

Does she really want a divorce?  Or, is she threatening divorce to control you or intimidate you?  An acting-out pwBPD typically has an all-or-nothing mindset... control or feel controlled...

[CoherentMoose]

Welcome. 
A couple of thoughts.  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells? (https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3A6CRYVPH0RBO&keywords=walking+on+eggshells&qid=1638910009&sprefix=walking+on+eggshell%2Caps%2C225&sr=8-1)

 Also, consider reading Splitting (https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1684036119/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2PI5HZ1D5ELCW&keywords=splitting+by+bill+eddy&qid=1638910075&sprefix=splitting+by+bill+e%2Caps%2C217&sr=8-2

Both are great resources on understanding what you may be faced with.  Both of these were critical (in addition to this forum from which I passed on relevant information/advice to her) in my fiancé's journey to a happier life, and hopefully, a better chance at normal lives for her two children.

Good luck.  CoMo