Looking for your coparenting examples

[CParent]

Hi all, I've been using the Bettering a Relationship board for the past few months but this is my first post on this forum. My uBPDh became highly dysregulated in the spring, culminating in a really nasty split against me. My therapist and a close friend who works in therapy both gave me the opinion that he has BPD, and though I know he's seeing a therapist and has likely been diagnosed (he refers to himself as having a "mental illness,") he has yet to admit it to me. He told his friends he wanted a divorce, that I am emotionally abusive, and that he had written 8 pages of how abusive I am in an exercise instructed by his therapist. I drew some boundaries after he was really angry and abusive to me, and since then, things have been either distantly polite and occasionally friendly but luckily very rarely more negative.

Through the help of fellow members here, I've been reading Stop Caretaking Your Borderline as well as working with my therapist on my codependency issues. I've slowly begun to see my reality. My husband is a quiet BPD, and I can only remember 2 other issues in our 20 years together when he was "off," but this is clearly the worst.

I've gradually been taking off the rose colored glasses and finally begun seeing the reality of our marriage and family. We have 2 daughters, 9 and 12. Though he recently said he wants to try to make us work, this is the 4th declaration since June, so I'm not putting much faith into it. I've been convinced, though, that I should keep us all together for my girls. He can be an amazing father, but when he gets triggered or dysregulated or just moody, he either completely withdraws into himself or occasionally projects onto them. Nowhere near what I receive, but enough that I worry he can't really handle them for long periods by himself. I've gone back to work and went away for business for a few days, which went well, but I truly believe it would deteriorate if it became a 50/50 split. Here where we live, it is 50/50, and I'm fairly certain he would pursue that since he currently has an idealized idea of divorce ("I could come over every night to walk the dog," "I can get an apartment a few blocks away and come over for family dinner every few nights and the kids could walk back and forth between our houses."). And since he's a quiet BPD, I don't really have major evidence to fight that.

So my question is, I know the adage, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one," but how do I leave them alone with him without me there to diffuse? They would have 50% normal here, but the 50% abnormal there could be far worse than what we have in this house now. When he withdraws, as is his usual way to handle things, it's like I'm a single parent and things are fine, but I'd be leaving the girls in a situation where they'd have to likely fend for themselves, and they're too young for that. His parents are wonderful, but I know his father would never allow him to move back home as he's strongly against divorce.

Does anyone have experience with this? How have you made it work? Have you decided to wait it out until the kids are older, or moved forward, and if so, how did you do it and how are things working out?

[NotAHero]

Hi all, I've been using the Bettering a Relationship board for the past few months but this is my first post on this forum. My uBPDh became highly dysregulated in the spring, culminating in a really nasty split against me. My therapist and a close friend who works in therapy both gave me the opinion that he has BPD, and though I know he's seeing a therapist and has likely been diagnosed (he refers to himself as having a "mental illness,") he has yet to admit it to me. He told his friends he wanted a divorce, that I am emotionally abusive, and that he had written 8 pages of how abusive I am in an exercise instructed by his therapist. I drew some boundaries after he was really angry and abusive to me, and since then, things have been either distantly polite and occasionally friendly but luckily very rarely more negative.

Through the help of fellow members here, I've been reading Stop Caretaking Your Borderline as well as working with my therapist on my codependency issues. I've slowly begun to see my reality. My husband is a quiet BPD, and I can only remember 2 other issues in our 20 years together when he was "off," but this is clearly the worst.

I've gradually been taking off the rose colored glasses and finally begun seeing the reality of our marriage and family. We have 2 daughters, 9 and 12. Though he recently said he wants to try to make us work, this is the 4th declaration since June, so I'm not putting much faith into it. I've been convinced, though, that I should keep us all together for my girls. He can be an amazing father, but when he gets triggered or dysregulated or just moody, he either completely withdraws into himself or occasionally projects onto them. Nowhere near what I receive, but enough that I worry he can't really handle them for long periods by himself. I've gone back to work and went away for business for a few days, which went well, but I truly believe it would deteriorate if it became a 50/50 split. Here where we live, it is 50/50, and I'm fairly certain he would pursue that since he currently has an idealized idea of divorce ("I could come over every night to walk the dog," "I can get an apartment a few blocks away and come over for family dinner every few nights and the kids could walk back and forth between our houses."). And since he's a quiet BPD, I don't really have major evidence to fight that.

So my question is, I know the adage, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one," but how do I leave them alone with him without me there to diffuse? They would have 50% normal here, but the 50% abnormal there could be far worse than what we have in this house now. When he withdraws, as is his usual way to handle things, it's like I'm a single parent and things are fine, but I'd be leaving the girls in a situation where they'd have to likely fend for themselves, and they're too young for that. His parents are wonderful, but I know his father would never allow him to move back home as he's strongly against divorce.

Does anyone have experience with this? How have you made it work? Have you decided to wait it out until the kids are older, or moved forward, and if so, how did you do it and how are things working out?

 An excellent book to read next is “Raising resilient children with a BP/NP”. Basically if the home environment is down right abusive, children will do better in a 50/50 split as long as one adult models normal supportive loving behavior. Children can differentiate and as long as they have a model they will be fine.

 On a negative note though, BPDs are unpredictable and may change after divorce. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. Best we can do is do what’s right for the kids and hope for the best.

[mart555]

Does anyone have experience with this? How have you made it work? Have you decided to wait it out until the kids are older, or moved forward, and if so, how did you do it and how are things working out?

Your situation is mine 3 years ago...  See if you can find the threads I posted in this forum telling my story.   Mine had these rosy ideas as well..   she would come home when I'm at work so that the kids could use the pool, she'd live nearby, ..  everything turned explosive once she realized that she wouldn't get what she wanted.

It took a while for me and the kids to realize that she was toxic throughout the marriage and the cause of my oldest's chronic pain and my youngest's impulsive behavior.   I wish I had left earlier, they were 10 and 14 at the time. At first they hated me, but now they see things for what they are.  Relatives, neighbours, friends have all said that my kids are way different than before, that they seem "happy" and "well".  

Now, I parallel parent.  I do my stuff, she does her stuff. I don't ask.   The kids see her twice a week.  There's no way I'd be able to coparent with her because she feels like she needs to have control. 

[CoherentMoose]

So my question is, I know the adage, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one," but how do I leave them alone with him without me there to diffuse? They would have 50% normal here, but the 50% abnormal there could be far worse than what we have in this house now.

His behaviors, how he treats you and the children are the models they are being raised with.  In my fiancé's case, her son started treating her daughter the same way she was being treated by her uBPD husband at the time.  A counselor had told my fiancé to watch for that.  Lo and behold, she noted the behavior "suddenly".  It was there all along, she had grown numb to it.   She noted her son used the exact mannerisms and language to control his younger sister that her uBPD used on her.  That was a seminal moment in her decision to leave.  So her children would have a more normal life at least 50% of the time.  Tough decision for sure.  Many stories in here describing people in similar situations.  Several stories in here describe their only regret in leaving is not leaving sooner.  My GF has the same regret. 

As for protecting your children while he has them, document, document, document and if your husband is unable to safely parent, then with documentation you can move towards supervised visitations.  Read ForeverDad's story in here.  A primer on patience and process.  Be well.  CoMo