Best way to end it and coparenting

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 My original story is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350813.0

  We now have a parenting plan and child support. 50/50 custody. For the most part I’m relieved. She is still doing the recycling phase where she comes back and tries to move back in. Her official mailing address is still with me but she doesn’t really live here. Most of the time she devalues and attacks me so I know there is no way long term will work.

 My therapist said put boundaries right away and don’t let her in the house ever. Tell her it’s over and that’s that.

   I remain hesitant because it was with vagueness that I was able to convince her to sign the fair parenting plan and protect my child. I’m worried if I cut her off she will lash and make coparenting impossible. Right now I’m introducing separation steps slowly - like trying to convince her to change mailing address.

 Does anyone have experience with this ? Should I follow the therapist advice or keep going slow? 

[NotAHero]

 My original story is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350813.0

  We now have a parenting plan and child support. 50/50 custody. For the most part I’m relieved. She is still doing the recycling phase where she comes back and tries to move back in. Her official mailing address is still with me but she doesn’t really live here. Most of the time she devalues and attacks me so I know there is no way long term will work.

 My therapist said put boundaries right away and don’t let her in the house ever. Tell her it’s over and that’s that.

   I remain hesitant because it was with vagueness that I was able to convince her to sign the fair parenting plan and protect my child. I’m worried if I cut her off she will lash and make coparenting impossible. Right now I’m introducing separation steps slowly - like trying to convince her to change mailing address.

 Does anyone have experience with this ? Should I follow the therapist advice or keep going slow? 

[BigOof]

You need to set your own boundaries you can control. Don't frame the boundaries in terms of her, but rather in terms of you. Examples:

1) I will not let ex into the house
2) I will not engage in conversation where I'm being devalued
3) I will get a ring doorbell and record all interactions
4) I will throw mail that is not mine in the trash
5) I will do what is the the best interest of our child
6) I will have my own high boundaries

[Turkish]

My therapist said put boundaries right away and don’t let her in the house ever

This.

After marrying the guy she left me for, my ex asked to come back. She had separated from him and we were steadily spending more time together with the kids. We had gone out for lunch and the kids wanted her to come back to watch a movie. We had been separated like 3 years at this point, maybe 4. She and the kids were crying. The kids got mad at me for "making" mommy leave (I cured that by a walk to the convenience store to get candy, then they were fine).

She asked to come back within half an hour... by text! She can't be without her kids anymore and she'd been thinking about it for a while. Funny. First I'd heard of it! She was still married to a guy that didn't want to let her go either.

No more joint activities for a while, and I still minimize them... and she's not to this day invited to our home other than into the driveway to pick them up or drop them off on occasion.

Lock it down, politely, but firmly.

[ForeverDad]

The typical account here is that after the relationship ends you can't be "just friends" or have a half of a relationship.  Usually it's cold turkey or as much of one as the custody and parenting issues require.

That's what strong boundaries mean.  Sure, there will always be exceptions but then the ex will somehow maneuver the exceptions into the new normal.  Be aware.  Beware.

We have a couple threads about Boundaries on our Tools & Skills Workshop board.  Click the link.  Since pwBPD resist and undermine boundaries, then boundaries have to be for you.

[NotAHero]

 Thank you for the responses.

 I have to admit whenever my children are involved I don’t think straight. I’m introducing new boundaries daily now but it’s still mushy. At any rate I’m relieved that papers are official. I hope I don’t mess things up.