Feeling gross about hiding my research on BPD from my wife.

[Bara]

I don't like hiding things from my uBPDw and I'm a bad liar. I want to get books and openly do research, but I am relegated to sneaking around to educate myself. I'm wondering how others handle this feeling. Also, what do I say if she finds a book like Splitting and confronts me?

Thinking about these things makes me realize how afraid of her I am.

[bugwaterguy]

Your self-awareness of your own fear can be helpful.

I understand concerns about splitting if she finds the books.

Can you read them from your phone or computer?  Many local libraries have services like Libby and Hoopla which will let you download them on your phone and read discretely (for free!).

Best books IMO are:  Walking On Eggshells, Walking On Eggshells Workbook, Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Ozzie101]

Bug’s idea for reading digital copies is a good one. Much less likely for her to find out. When I first started educating myself about BPD and bought books, I was working in an office, so I kept the books there. Now, I work from home and finding a place to hide the books (which I don’t feel ready to get rid of) had been a challenge.

As to feeling guilty, I felt the same way. The way I handled it was by explaining to myself that this was necessary — for my mental health, for the future of our relationship. There were issues that just could not be resolved by talking to him. And, of course, things can get worse if a loved one knows you suspect BPD.

What, would you say, bothers you most? The morality issue or the fear?

[Bara]

I think the fear is more top of mind. As I have already resigned the fact that we will never have an open enough relationship to have real up front honesty. The morality piece is easier to reason with myself, as you said it's for the best.

The question still stands, what if she finds out and demands an explanation. My normal reaction would be to be honest about it, but we all know that will not end well. My secondary option was to say I'm trying to look at my own behavior and what I need to feel better about myself, but I feel like she would see through that and it would just add to her paranoia.

I want to find a way to be honest but also protect myself. Similar to validate feelings not facts.

[Cat Familiar]

I’ve put in place a strategy should I ever get *busted* that takes the spotlight off my husband. My mother was someone with BPD and growing up with her certainly affected me, ultimately leading to two marriages with BPD husbands, cause it felt like family. 

Fortunately my husband doesn’t snoop around my private storage areas. And I’m very careful to always be in privacy mode on my computer and iPad.

[alleyesonme]

I think the fear is more top of mind. As I have already resigned the fact that we will never have an open enough relationship to have real up front honesty. The morality piece is easier to reason with myself, as you said it's for the best.

The question still stands, what if she finds out and demands an explanation. My normal reaction would be to be honest about it, but we all know that will not end well. My secondary option was to say I'm trying to look at my own behavior and what I need to feel better about myself, but I feel like she would see through that and it would just add to her paranoia.

I want to find a way to be honest but also protect myself. Similar to validate feelings not facts.

I realize that others may disagree with me, but I don't think it's the end of the world to be honest in a tactful way. Looking back, here's something I may have said if I'd been caught and could remain calm enough to say it while she was raging at me: "Some of your behaviors lately have been very extreme, and I just don't know what to do to protect myself anymore. I spoke with a mental health professional to brainstorm about different strategies for coping with these extreme behaviors, and he/she pointed me in the direction of these books after hearing about your example A, B and C."

You frame it as you only discovered BPD after a mental health professional brought it to your attention, that you're committed to making your relationship work, and that you're doing everything you can on your end to make it work. IMO, if she still flips out about it after you've explained that, then that's very telling in terms of her potential to change in the future.

[alleyesonme]

I would keep some BPD books inside an empty suitcase that my W never used. She never found them.

[Bara]

"Some of your behaviors lately have been very extreme, and I just don't know what to do to protect myself anymore. I spoke with a mental health professional to brainstorm about different strategies for coping with these extreme behaviors, and he/she pointed me in the direction of these books after hearing about your example A, B and C."

You frame it as you only discovered BPD after a mental health professional brought it to your attention, that you're committed to making your relationship work, and that you're doing everything you can on your end to make it work. IMO, if she still flips out about it after you've explained that, then that's very telling in terms of her potential to change in the future.

Thank you for this. I am looking to behave in a way that is authentic and fair, if it causes conflict then it is informative to me as to if I should stay in the relationship.